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he wasn't even looking at me and he found me
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JBB: An Artblog!
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Kaledo Art
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occasionally subtle
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dirt enthusiast
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@kdes
we're just skin and bones and endless mistakes just trying not to feel miserable every second of every day & it's okay to take a break from holding the whole world on your shoulders. it's okay to close your eyes and imagine a world where your heart can bloom and flourish.
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Your scent is lingering on my sheets and every time I close my eyes and breathe, I catch a faint waft of you and my breathe hitches in my chest and all I want is to hold you in my arms and whisper in your ear “I love you.”
And I remember that love hurts and it’s messy and I wonder, if I deny it’s existence between us can I preserve what’s here rn, the calm before the storm, the love that goes untamed. But it’s infuriating to look at you and not say those words that ring true at the very center of my being. Maddening to realize you could walk away, that I will leave in just a month. And I wonder if this heavy weight is felt in your chest too, if you feel like you might just die from the burden on your lungs, the lack of oxygen. But then isn’t that lack of oxygen euphoric? Maybe you would whisper back “I love you too,” but can I even say it aloud to prompt such a response? And what are we even, friends, lovers, in a relationship, or just a fling, heat of the moment, a warm body to hold on ur lonely days..
And as much as I know this will devestate me in the end, despite your promise to never hurt me, I can’t help but long for your laugh to fill my ears until it reaches my heart, for your contagious smile. The glimmer in your eyes when you look at me, I hope you can see mine too. And oh how I long for the taste of your lips, the gentleness of your touch. Devastation, it won’t be the end of me, no, I’ll survive, at least that’s what I tell myself at 3am while I look at the pictures of you and long to fall into your embrace.
The worst part is, I want to give everything I have, everything I am, to you. I want to lose myself in you, and how do I tell you that, how do I trust that you wouldn’t leave me in pieces. My heart is guarded, so even when I want to say those words to you, I turn away and you ask what’s wrong, but all I can manage is “nothing.” But you know that there’s something and I want so badly to explain how I can’t shut off these emotions that consume me, but I mumble something that sounds like indifference and you must think I’m unattached, that I feel nothing for you, the hurt in your eyes apparent. But I just don’t know how to say “ I love you.”
Recognizing Abuse Masterlist
Signs that you’re living in abuse:
Behavioral patterns of living in abuse
Was I abused? Checklist
Not knowing you are a victim
Signs your family is abusive
Making excuses for your abusive parents
Experience of living in secrecy
What they taught you was abuse
Emotional experiences of living in abuse
Shame and guilt: how abused children feel
What makes parents abusers (actions)
Have I been manipulated into believing abuse was my fault? Checklist
Am I being held hostage by abusers? Checklist
You are not allowed to mention the past
Why you still love abusive parents
Parental behaviour that isn’t normal
Shit parents aren’t supposed to say to you
Experience of “not belonging anywhere”
Red flags for abusive parents
Healthy vs Abusive Chores
Was my childhood abusive or just had some bad parts?
Rules always change (unpredictable environment is abusive)
Breakdown of abusive parent’s behaviour:
“This is my house” rule
Start living in the real life!
Why all the children aren’t abused equally in an abusive home
Common abuser hypocrisies
Do your parents want you to be happy or look happy?
Why do they try to convince you that you’re worthless
Why do they pretend you’re a burden? Controlling behaviour
Why your abusers are not good people
Abusive parents are keeping you in false hope they’ll change
Are your parents preventing you from succeeding?
Abusive parents pretending “it wasn’t that bad”
Double Bind (why every choice you make ends wrong)
Incorporating trauma in raising children
Abusers will not allow you to call them out on abuse
Signs your parents are narcissistic:
Stuff delusional narcissists say
Shit narcissistis parents say
Recognizing emotional immaturity of narcissistic parents
Examples of narcissistic behaviours
Being punished for growing up by narcissistic parents
What children of narcissists go thru
Signs you’ve been thru sexual abuse:
CSA (Childhood Sexual Abuse) Symptoms
Signs you might have endured CSA
Was I sexually abused by adults as a child? Checklist
Signs of abusive friendship/relationship:
How to tell if a friend is not a friend
Am I in an abusive relationship/friendship? Checklist
Manufacturing insecurities
Red flags for abusers
Have I been thru social abuse? Checklist
You can recognize abusers by how they make you feel
How abusive childhood teaches you to stay in abusive relationships
Recognizing abusive friendship
Signs you’re struggling with trauma
Trauma processing information
Experiences of traumatized children
Signs you’re recovering from long term abuse
Things abuse survivors think/say
Thoughts of victims of child abuse
Your brain on trauma
How long term childhood abuse develops into complex trauma (comic)
Ups and downs of trauma
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
If your child has heard a death threat coming out of your mouth, you’re an abuser.
If your child is used to being called stupid, worthless, burden, or any kind of slur by you, you’re an abuser.
If your child knows every single way you’d like to hurt them and flinches away when you walk thru the door, you’re an abuser.
If your child knows their every vulnerability would be used as a weapon against them in your mind, you’re an abuser.
If your child was made to feel guilty and ashamed for the pain they’re being put thru, if they were told by your mouth they deserved it, you’re an abuser.
If your child heard you telling them to hurt themselves, or had you do nothing as they were hurting their own self, you’re an abuser.
If your child has to look elsewhere for the slightest bit of acknowledgment, attention and kindness, you’re an abuser.
If your child frets that other people would treat them so cruelly as you do, you’re an abuser.
If your child is afraid that other people will think of them as lowly as you do, you’re an abuser.
If your child had to beg for a necessity from you, you’re an abuser.
If your child was forced to offer labour, services or go thru strain and fear to gain basic necessities from you, you’re an abuser.
If your child had to fight to deserve to be part of your family, or to have you even acknowledge them, you’re an abuser.
If your child had no safety, support, security or love in your home, you’re an abuser.
If your child lived in fear of being kicked out, humiliated and abandoned by you, you’re an abuser.
If all you taught your child was how it feels to be hated, you’re an abuser.
If you refuse to acknowledge even for a second that you put your child thru all that suffering and fear, and still try to paint yourself as a benefactor in your child’s life, you’re an abuser and a liar.
No child has ever deserved any of this.
You could argue that all people have good parts and bad parts of childhood. And that much is true.
But your bad parts should be like, sometimes feeling you fucked up, or sometimes noticing your parent was a bit upset about something and didn’t react towards you the best way they could. Sometimes feeling like things aren’t best at the moment but you know it’s all going to be alright.
Bad parts should never go as far as you feeling terrified of what your parent might do to you next. It should never be you crying in your room alone because of what your parent did and said to you.
Bad parts should never go as far as you bending backwards to somehow try to deserve to be good enough and always failing, your effort never acknowledged, your permission to exist as you are never given to you.
Bad parts shouldn’t include violence, threats, slurs and heavy insults.They should never include ultimatums, your paths in life blocked, your desires sabotaged, your resources taken away, you being isolated and feeling like the entire world doesn’t care about you. It should never be as bad as you feeling like nobody in the world could possibly love you.
Bad parts should never go as far as you feeling despised, abandoned, worthless, like things would be better if you were dead.
Whenever you think there were good and bad parts of your parents, remember that when things are this bad, no good parts could ever justify it. Nothing could ever make up for this. And also remember, actual good people would never allow it to get that bad. And your parents were capable of never making it that bad either. There was always a possibility of only treating you good, and never hurting you so bad. If your parents didn’t go for that, they were no parents at all.
Recognizing Abuse Masterlist
Signs that you’re living in abuse:
Behavioral patterns of living in abuse
Was I abused? Checklist
Not knowing you are a victim
Signs your family is abusive
Making excuses for your abusive parents
Experience of living in secrecy
What they taught you was abuse
Emotional experiences of living in abuse
Shame and guilt: how abused children feel
What makes parents abusers (actions)
Have I been manipulated into believing abuse was my fault? Checklist
Am I being held hostage by abusers? Checklist
You are not allowed to mention the past
Why you still love abusive parents
Parental behaviour that isn’t normal
Shit parents aren’t supposed to say to you
Experience of “not belonging anywhere”
Red flags for abusive parents
Healthy vs Abusive Chores
Was my childhood abusive or just had some bad parts?
Rules always change (unpredictable environment is abusive)
Breakdown of abusive parent’s behaviour:
“This is my house” rule
Start living in the real life!
Why all the children aren’t abused equally in an abusive home
Common abuser hypocrisies
Do your parents want you to be happy or look happy?
Why do they try to convince you that you’re worthless
Why do they pretend you’re a burden? Controlling behaviour
Why your abusers are not good people
Abusive parents are keeping you in false hope they’ll change
Are your parents preventing you from succeeding?
Abusive parents pretending “it wasn’t that bad”
Double Bind (why every choice you make ends wrong)
Incorporating trauma in raising children
Abusers will not allow you to call them out on abuse
Signs your parents are narcissistic:
Stuff delusional narcissists say
Shit narcissistis parents say
Recognizing emotional immaturity of narcissistic parents
Examples of narcissistic behaviours
Being punished for growing up by narcissistic parents
What children of narcissists go thru
Signs you’ve been thru sexual abuse:
CSA (Childhood Sexual Abuse) Symptoms
Signs you might have endured CSA
Was I sexually abused by adults as a child? Checklist
Signs of abusive friendship/relationship:
How to tell if a friend is not a friend
Am I in an abusive relationship/friendship? Checklist
Manufacturing insecurities
Red flags for abusers
Have I been thru social abuse? Checklist
You can recognize abusers by how they make you feel
How abusive childhood teaches you to stay in abusive relationships
Recognizing abusive friendship
Signs you’re struggling with trauma
Trauma processing information
Experiences of traumatized children
Signs you’re recovering from long term abuse
Things abuse survivors think/say
Thoughts of victims of child abuse
Your brain on trauma
How long term childhood abuse develops into complex trauma (comic)
Ups and downs of trauma
reblog if the worst hatred you ever felt was from the hands of your parents
Here’s why even when you realize your parents are abusive you’ll still feel some amount of affection, bond and even love towards them, or at least feel like you owe them a whole lot and it would be insanely ungrateful for you to turn your back on them or have any unpleasant thoughts or feelings towards them.
Abuse starts when you’re still a baby, and even if you did have the ability to detect you are being treated with cruelty and wanted to get away - you can’t. You can’t just go “well fuck this” and crawl away, your entire survival depends on these people being willing to feed you, to shelter you, to accept you as a part of their community and deem your worthy of survival. So you have no choice but to offer them whatever they demand of you as a child, your survival is at stake and there is no question of choice, if they’re asking for obedience, you’re helpless but to grant it to them, if they’re asking for comfort, validation of their actions, forgiveness, affection, to forget things they did, to not hold them responsible for anything - you just can’t decide to not give it to them, you have no choice.
And since you’re a small child with no experience of the world, this is the only life you know, sacrifice and giving and feeling not good enough and scared and having this sense of unfairness and anger building up deep inside of you, but you’re helpless to do anything about it, you’ve already learned to accept that a lot will be demanded of you if you want to keep living. And your abusive parents will be very careful to not let you know that this is in any way unfair, quite the contrary, they’ll let you know you’re having it easy! They’ll tell you stories about people who do ten times worse to their children, who torture and starve and strangle and lock their children up and use them as slaves and footstools! They’ll remind you how grateful you should be and how you don’t even know how lucky you are, they’ll burst with anger if you complain because how can you, there are people out there having it worse and you’re ungrateful little monster! You should appreciate they tolerate you at all! And you should be grateful, because if they didn’t treat you this way, then you would have turned into a monster!
And most often they’ll make sure you have no way of knowing if this is true, if all other children truly have it the same or worse. You don’t know if it’s true that you would turn out a worse person if not abused. You can’t go and check every single place in the world to see what the standard is. You can’t check how abuse will affect you 10 or 20 years in the future. You assume they might be right. Surely they wouldn’t just irresponsibly said all those things if they didn’t know it was true, right? You feel the threat in their words and their stories “if you don’t act more grateful then I too will treat you as bad as the people in my stories would”. You look at what little you have and try your best to be grateful. Grateful you’re not beaten to death. Grateful you’re not being starved to death. Grateful you’re allowed to sleep in a bed. Grateful that sometimes, it doesn’t hurt that much.
You are reminded over and over again about how much they’re doing for you, and how much you owe them, how much they’re sacrificing for you and how much you wouldn’t have without them, and this is not a coincidence. They’re making sure that you believe from the second you’re born, you were in a debt. Listening to that since you were a small child will ensure that it’s craved deep inside your brain, you are in a debt, every second of your existence is making that debt larger, every meal, every moment you’re in their home, the amount you owe is piling up. Are you truly indebted to people who decided to have a child and then had to feed it and keep it alive? Of course not. Do you feel like you are tho? You do. Nothing anyone says will make you feel free of the debt, even though it’s a lie. They’re not making you pay a debt, they’re making sure that having a child was a profitable decision, like starting a slave factory would be.
And in the end, even though abusive, these people set standard to how you experience your first years of life, they set standards for “good” and “evil”, they decide what’s right and what’s wrong, they decided who you are and what you’re worth, they decide what is love and how it feels like, and they decide what you deserve. They’re people who know you the best, who tell you all about you, who shape and generate your life experiences. No matter if it’s good or bad, you share a bond with them, and it’s hard to walk away from something like that no matter what’s the stakes.
And, you feel that it should be just as hard for them too, to walk away from such bond, to miss out having a relationship with their child, to not take your existence in their life seriously, to not care about what happens to you next. You feel that if you walked out on them, it would hurt them, betray them, it would make them feel abandoned, or lonely, or angry. You don’t wish to cause them pain, you’re not cruel like that.
But, at this point, they’ve already done it. They’ve already emotionally walked away from you. They’ve already proved it wasn’t a problem for them to betray their own kin, to disregard their own flesh and blood and treat it like trash. How could they have done it? The concept of it feels unbearable and impossible to understand, who uses their own child as an outlet for cruelty and hatred? Who betrays their own child and looks at them as a way of profit, and disregards their safety and happiness? They could have been decent human beings and value the bond they had with your life, they could have kept you safe and protected from abuse, they could have made sure you weren’t being hurt, They could have stopped hurting you anytime and they didn’t. They could have had something fucking special in their life and they walked away from it. How could they not even feel guilty for lying to you?
These are not easy questions to answer, and even when you do get answers, they’re hard to accept, hard to deal with, hard to acknowledge as the truth. Only monsters could act this way towards their own child. But then, your entire life was shaped by monsters. Then, everything you know is a lie. Then, you haven’t experienced parental love at all. Your entire reality breaks down. It’s painful. It’s filled with grief and despair and anger and fear. Nobody rushes into that. Nobody wants to put themselves thru that. That’s why minimizing and holding on to hope that your parents just “didn’t know” or “didn’t mean it” is comforting for a while. It’s okay to be there until you can deal with what’s coming next.
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If you wish your parents had hit you and left marks on you, it means they already hurt you worse than that and you only wish you had any proof. If they put you in situation where you wish you have been physically harmed, it means you’re already tortured beyond that. Invisible abuse is worst to fight with and hardest to prove. Them getting into your head and taking away your point of view leaves deeper scar than injuries could. You’ve already been abused bad enough.
you’ve gotta start romanticizing your life. you gotta start believing that your morning commute is cute and fun, that every cup of coffee is the best you’ve ever had, that even the smallest and most mundane things are exciting and new. you have to, because that’s when you start truly living. that’s when you look forward to every day.
Remember in 1993 when Jurassic Park was like…the end all, be all of special effects?
not gonna lie that still looks intimately real
I’m still somewhat convinced that someone sold their soul to create the special effects in Jurassic Park because that shit is over 20 years old and it still really, really holds up, better than the stuff in a lot of current movies, even.
Fucking witchcraft, man.
fucking look at this shit though
Literally see this post flying around with a few different responses added to the bottom each time so I’ll say it for this one myself:
THEY ACTUALLY BUILT A GIANT MASSIVELY DETAILED FUCKING ANIMATRONIC T-REX FOR ALL OF THIS THAT’S WHY THE EFFECTS ARE SO GOOD. CAUSE IT AIN’T CGI. AND IT AIN’T GUY IN A COSTUME. IT’S A BIG FUCKING ROBOT DINOSAUR. AND EVERY PART IS DESIGNED TO MOVE. IT COST LIKE HALF THE BUDGET OF THE FILM.
amazing
And they had the film it in small increments, especially in the outdoor scenes, because the rain fall kept soaking into the ‘skin’ of the rex and would slow down and mess up its movements. So they would stop filming and have a crew out there drying off this massive, fake dinosaur, and then they’d start filming again until it was too wet. Repeat until the end of the scene.
They used animatronics and detailed costumes for most if not all of the dinosaurs in the first movie.
The triceratops for instance, was also animatronic.
And the raptors were dudes in suits. I shit you not.
One of my favorite anecdotes I’ve read on tumblr is how the t-rex robot from Jurassic park would malfunction while it was drying out. How did it malfunction, you might wonder?
Motherfucker randomly started moving.
So apparently if you were on the jp set you would sometimes hear people screaming bloody murder even though they were all well aware that it was a giant animatronic puppet and wouldn’t actually, you know, eat them.
(link to said post about malfunctioning t-rex)
Did not know this, had to reblog for awesome movie history insights.
So, I knew about the animatronics bit but I did not know the raptors were guys in suits and the malfunctioning t-rex sounds terrifying.
And i just googled malfunctioning t-rex and was not disappointed. Apparently in order to put the skin on over the steel frame a guy had to crawl inside the t-rex while it was turned on and glue the skin down. And if somebody turned the t-rex off or the power went out the guy in the t-rex stood a very real chance of getting mangled and killed by the hydraulics.
So of course, the power goes out.
And this guy is still in there gluing the skin down.
Apparently the way to survive getting sheered to death by huge sheets of metal while you’re inside a giant t-rex robot is to curl into a ball and hope for the best.
And this guy hoped for the best and got it.
Some other people on stage pried open the t-rex jaws and glue guy crawled out of its mouth and was totally okay.
This is getting better and better.
I think they only had like 6 minutes of CGI
I’m just waiting for the T-Rex to come to life and leave its stand.
@spinosaurus-the-fisher is this the kind of content you love?
Realism comes at a cost, it seems.
i mean ok but why has nobody posted this:
It’s a three piece raptor suit.
Old movies had the best special effects
The thing about this that gets my special effects nerd going is the fact that EVERY single dinosaur was sculpted by artists based on the current existent archeological evidence of the time.
@jurassicparkandrecreation
@shepfax
Even better than that, this movie ADVANCED our best understanding of dinosaurs at the time. They were blowing out a budget bigger than anything Hollywood had ever seen, and along with employing almost the last hurrah of incredible physical FX, they had a bank of those newfangled digital SFX computers. Nobody’d ever really created convincing dinosaurs in a movie before. It’d all been stop-motion animation, and even when the models were exquisitely crafted, you could just tell there was something OFF about them. Spielberg wanted THE BEST DINOSAURS EVER, and he figured on using the cutting edge of digital modeling and animation technology to build them for him.
So they got hold of some of the best paleontologists they could find and said, “We want you guys to take this tech that your labs could pretty much never afford and use it to build us the most realistic, accurate dinosaur models the world has ever seen.”
The paleontologists knew an opportunity when it bit them in the ass. They plugged in everything they knew about dinosaurs, all the skeletons and their best guesses about soft tissue and all that. And when they’d created those dinosaur models, they had the computer start moving them as they realistically would with anatomy like that. One guy took a look at those walking t-rexes and velociraptors (really utahraptors, but whatevs, fam), and he said, “Wait a minute, I’ve seen movement like that before.”
He called up film of a chicken walking. Everyone in the room said, “Holy shit.”
Prior to 1989, the idea that birds were descended from dinosaurs existed–we knew about archaeopteryx, we knew there was some minor connection there–but the idea that DINOSAURS LIVE IN THE MODERN WORLD AND THEY ARE CALLED BIRDS was not pre-eminent. Jurassic Park changed our scientific understanding of dinosaurs.
That paleontologists’d be Kevin Padian. Who is awesome.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kevin_Padian
This post just gets better and better with time
Let’s start a follow train! If you’re part of the lgbtq community like and reblog and make some new friends!!😛🏳️🌈
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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hey there LGBTQ kids who are also Christian/Jewish! If you feel like you’re disobeying God, questioning your faith, or feel wrong and dirty for loving who you love, there’s this fantastic site I found today called hoperemains that accurately and thoroughly combs through scripture and its (many) mistranslations, validates your orientation, and basically let’s you know that you’re not pissing off God. It’s insanely thorough and after reading through every page on the entire site it’s super helpful. Go check it out!
No no no! Jewish LGBTQ kinderlach! Go to Keshet!
hoperemains is completely from a Christian perspective, and not pluralistic or interfaith at all.
If you reblogged the first post from me please reblog this amendment so the Jewish peeps can access this resource too!
Trans Jewish kids, you can go to TransTorah as well!
Muslim LGBTQ kids, you can go to iamnotharaam! It’s run by a mod squad of different genders and orientations, and they take submissions from everybody!
–BB
MAY ANYONE WHO REBLOGS THIS BE ELEVATED TO THE EQUIVALENT OF SAINTHOOD IN THEIR RELIGION BLESS ALL OF YOU OH MY GOD.
REBLOGGING THIS AGAIN BECAUSE IT’S SO FREAKING IMPORTANT TO ME AND ALL MY FOLLOWERS TO READ THAT DEAL WITH GRIEF AND GUILT WHILE BEING LGBTQ AND RELIGIOUS
behavioural and emotional patterns of living in abuse:
you spend most of your time shut in your room
you’re scared of footsteps approaching your door
you prefer not to come out unless there’s nobody home
when they come back you run to your room/safe place
you’re nervous and anxious if you have to spend time in presence of others
you try to get away from your home, you wish you could live somewhere else
your self-confidence is very low
you worry about making too much noise (have a feeling you’ll get yellet at or abused for it)
you try to move around as silently as possible and try to not be noticed by anyone
you feel uncomfortable and uneasy sitting at the same table as rest of family
you don’t feel like you belong here
you feel like a burden to your housemates
you don’t feel like you’re worth having around or supporting in any way
you don’t feel like anyone will ever love you or believe in you
you don’t feel like anything you do is good enough
you can’t stand someone watching you do things like cleaning or anything else you need to get done
you try really hard to still find good points about your life and cling to them
you strongly worry that you are somehow worse than anyone else
you feel like you’re behind on everyone and that you’re failing to live your life properly
you don’t feel like anything would have changed if you died, or even that it would be better if you did
if you’re experiencing most of this, you’re going through abuse. Your value isn’t in any way less than other humans, and you are absolutely not any kind of burden. You are human who is forced to live in a way humans aren’t meant to live. You are in living conditions that disable you from feeling happy, fulfilled, or even seeing yourself as a human being. You are suffering. What is being done to you is not okay. You deserve better than this.
I spent last week with my aunt and she said I was super easy to deal with and always quick to help... I couldn't help but think that years of abuse and hiding in tiny spaces, staying silent, praying not to be found were to blame..
