erotic grotesque nonsense

at 14, i was binge reading carl jung and jun mochizuki. at nearly 30, i'm binge reading carl jung and jun mochizuki. keeping time, time, time / in a sort of Runic rhyme, etc., etc.

it's always "why do you pace so much" and never "how was the pacing was the pacing fun"

i have [gestures vaguely] my tendencies

i am just moved by everything now. i'm porous and everything gets inside me

I feel like not enough people realize that people under enormous strain act really really fucking Weird

If someone is doing things that don't make Sense, try to understand that it is entirely possible that their brain is probably under an enormous weight and fracturing under the pressure. People who have been stabbed will sometimes talk a circle around the fact that they've been stabbed because stress and shock prevent you from recognizing the distress you are in and what you need to do to seek help for it. PTSD will do this also. You will find yourself repeatedly jamming a bag of frozen fruit into the same spot in the freezer where it doesn't fit and keeps falling, over and over and over, focused on nothing but that bag. You will decide that a beanbag chair is 10000% necessary to your life. You will lose your entire shit because you stubbed your toe on a table and that means the whole setup of your furniture is wrong. These are largely harmless examples. People under strain will also hurt themselves and others. Cornered animals bite. And it doesn't heal the bite to go "Hey, are you okay?" But it might get you to an animal that stops biting, so you can start to heal. And before you had an animal that bit, you probably had an animal that kept doing shit you didn't understand as stress signals

is that a gun to the back of my head or are you just happy to see the back of my head?

it probably feels so good to maul atsushi when you're an akutagawa prone to boredom driven, self destructive behavior. like, the thrill of chasing and snatching atsushi to sling him around and pull him and shake him must be, like, scintillating to the ingrained prey drive of an akutagawa. it just seems soooo satisfying and stimulating to tear into him and chew on him and needle him. like verbally but also with tines. then he says something like devastatingly percipient in the bitchiest intonation. probably feels effervescent.

yes i did figure out the most likely irl airport templating the airport in the fifth season finale of bungou stray dogs based on its geographic relationship with yokohama and general layout, and then yes i did scope out the most practical potential fuck space, and yes i did decide it was the nursery and more specifically the lactation booths within the nursery, and yes i did write accurate directions to the nearest nursery from where kunikida and tanizaki were standing in the last minute of the last episode of the fifth season, and yes i did do this so that kunikida can have cathartic phone sex with his boyfriend and his boyfriend's boyfriend from where they're stranded on the roof of european guantanamo alcatraz bay/château d'If

you know it's like. really a testament to fukuzawa's faith in kunikida that multiple people high key died in osamu dazai's entrance exam, one of whom dazai shot himself, another of whom was a minor, and fukuzawa just. accepted kunikida's endorsement of dazai. like if you say so, kunikida.

kunikida's yin/yang pin is something that can be so personal