welcome to my homeland

No matter how small.

"Waiting Gradually Eats The Soul"

~My interpretation and thoughts~

This symbolized the pain that many adult children who are healing have while waiting for their parents to be better. We think to ourselves: when are you coming? I'll light you the way. We lay down, surrounded by candlelight, beautifully tragic for nobody ever to come to us.

We try and try and try but nobody will understand our signs. The ones we love are searching. We watch them suffer in the dark, fight for their lives, dying broken without ever seeing the light ever in their lives.

And it breaks our hearts. We have seen the light. The fullness of life. And we want to share with the people we love so dearly. But even when the candle flames reflect in their eyes, they will close them just to stay in the dark.

I wish I could pull her with me. To here, to a life that is worth living. I wish her small, anxious, worthless feeling little inner child would've been hugged, the nooks and crannies of her personality appreciated. I wish I could have see her full personality bloom. Her likes, her dislikes, her passions. But that all died down two generations ago, never for my eyes to see. Today she is no more than a shadow of what she could have been.

My Nana, I love you with all my heart and I am so sorry. It breaks my heart in many pieces. I wish I could've given you what you never got. If I had been your mother I would've hugged that little girl and let her play without fear. Nana, I wouldn't make your worth dependent on how much you can work. You wouldn't have had to move a finger for being the most precious thing I ever had. You would've just had to exist for me to hug and kiss and cuddle you many times. I could've been the mother you should've had.

But that is not real. I can never undo what had been done. I can only care for myself. The damage that has been done can't be reversed. I can break the cycle only in the present, feeling the grief of thousand generations before. I take this burden with the biggest honor, no shame and no complaints. I take it on me to break this hate, to break this emptiness and fill it up with deep real love.

So my great-grandchild can say that their Nana was loved, cared for, hugged and kissed all her life. I want them to look back on the family line with a smile, with pride of who their Momma, their Nana, and their Great-Nan were. I want them to carry the family's blood generations further. To spread the love, the passion and the care further in the universe. It is my greatest honor to embrace the traits I inherited and uplift all that is good about my blood. I am also honored to heal the trauma and the wounds that war, abandonment, grief and loss, and so many other things probably, caused. I will tend to the wounds my whole lifetime so that generations yet to come can embrace our blood with joy.

(If you're tagged, your challenge is to create 13 goals for your own magical craft. These can be practical, philosophical, devotional, ethical, creative, practical, silly, or whatever. They don't have be profound, and they don't have to match anyone else's practice. They should be principles that guide your craft specifically. When you're finished, tag a few people to add their own 13 goals.)

13 Twitchy Witchy Girl goals:

1. Write down the foundations of my beliefs and practice (I've been wanting to sit down and dissect my views and the actual frameworks of my practice)

2. Make altar space for a new deity that has opened communication with me and build a relationship

3. Protective practice overhaul (after a recent spell for a friend I had some realizations and have to create a whole new system because the old one is out of date and no longer effective for the work I'm trying to do)

4. Make a list of my own associations for different herbs/animals/holidays/etc

5. Finish the first page of my grimoire

6. Learn how to better care for my plant friends

7. Gather all of the looseleaf and scraps of paper I've used as grimoire/spell book pages and put them in one spot (I'm a dragon so it's all controlled chaos with things scattered about)

8. Continue working to build self confidence in my abilities and practice

9. Engage with other witches to gain more perspectives and develop a space in a community (rather than staying a lurking moss monster)

10. Commit to a schedule for maintenance that is more than just full moon and New moon nights and random when I notice times.

11. Honor my body with the same compassion and care that I encourage others to for themselves (recognizing my body as part of my soul and just as important to be cared for as my energy etc)

12. Grind up the many small jars of eggshells so I can have one large jar of eggshell powder

13. Do more research in general. And not just casual- read through and say "ahhh mhmm" to myself. I mean like I used to, where I would take notes and add anecdotes or jot down related sources and deep dive

I am tagging: (if you want to, of course!)

Been feeling hella Craftsy really. Just allowing my inner child and inner whimsy come out. I've painted flowers on my door frame and thinking of painting vines on some of my window sills. Just allowing myself to be creative and messing up physically without having the undo button makes me a little more experimental with my art and with Beltane and Spring starting this past weekend just has me in such a whimsical mood and I plan to enjoy every second of it.

this is exactly how certain spirits feel to me — not fully person, not fully landscape, but something in between.

the kind of presence you would meet at the edge of the woods, half-grown from light and moss, carrying a branch like a staff and saying absolutely nothing because it doesn’t need to.