hey so if yue qingyuan had the svsss universe version of hanahaki disease, he would absolutely die alone if left to his own devices. he would never even consider saying anything to shen qingqiu. because how could he burden him with such troublesome feelings? how could yqy let himself be so selfish to even consider a possibility where sqq could actually love him back, much less want to pursue an actual relationship with him? as long as sqq continues to meet with him for tea here and there, allows yqy to check his meridians every now and then, even so much as glance in yqy's direction once in a while-- that's more than enough for yqy.
(and maybe, just maybe, sqq would be better without yqy there. he knows sqq holds so much hatred in his heart for him because of his broken promise. he knows that it's his fault that sqq had to suffer for far, far longer than he ever was supposed to. the flowers that spill out of his lungs are a twist of awful irony: a symbol of the enduring love and loyalty that sqq always deserved, and yqy failed to give. yet another visual reminder of his perpetual inadequacy.)
he holds out for a long time. cultivation significantly slows the speed that the flowers grow, and yqy has always been good at hiding his pain.
mu qingfang figures it out while doing yqy’s routine meridian examination. he brings up the possibility of surgery, but yqy’s stubborn refusal is unsurprising, albeit exasperating. mqf wants to press harder for the surgery, but the fear that momentarily flashes in yqy’s eyes is too reminiscent of the way he looked at mqf after exiting the ling xi caves as a young disciple…. like a caged animal, flinching at sudden movements as if expecting to be hit… he remembers how administering any kind of medical treatment on yqy was near impossible for at least a year after the caves incident. surgery was still off the table, even after all these years, even if it meant he could die.
as his death grows closer, he writes letters to all of his fellow peak lords, giving them guidance and enclosing his final farewells. he keeps them tied together in a pile in his desk drawer to eventually be discovered once he is no longer here. he ends mqf’s letter with a simple request: please don’t tell sqq the truth. (yqy can’t bear the thought of sqq blaming himself for this, not after he’d already saved yqy’s life twice over.) with sqq’s letter, he struggles. it’s addressed to him, but the contents remain blank.
he collapses on his annual visit to the remains of the Qiu manor. a special type of self punishment— he refuses to let himself forget the consequences of his failure. he suddenly stops being able to breathe and slumps to the ground, suffocating on the flowers coming up from his lungs. as he loses consciousness, he swears he can hear sqq’s voice faintly in the background.
(he doesn’t expect to wake up on qian cao peak, a furious qing jing peak lord pacing around his bedside. his throat feels raw and scratchy, petals still buried in his lungs. but he’s alive— at least for now. )
