kata cerita

Every word,

every shouts,

every pain,

every scars,

I'll bear everything.

Until words can't hurt me anymore,

until shouts can't frighten me anymore,

until my pain eased up,

until my scars healed up.

I'll talk with no emotion.

I'll care less about you.

I won't feel anything.

I won't hurt by you anymore.

Your words are nothing,

your shouts are bullshit,

you are no one,

you are no one.

It doesn't hurt,

it'll be healed.

it doesn't hurt,

You thought I am a broken item

Cause I don't feel the same

You thought I am wrong 

Cause I don't understand

I thought that I am sad

Cause I don't feel to smile

You thought I've changed

Cause I don't choose to stay

But oh I realise

That everybody's different

And now I understand

Why you called me a broken item

Cause I ain't you

1 Corinthians 13:4-5

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs."

So what’s the difference between us? Male and female, straight and gay, black and white, normal and drag, what’s the difference huh?

Don’t we care the people we love in a gentle way?

Don’t we cry in the arm of them?

Don’t we desire them like crazy?

Don’t we hurt them and by them?

So, what’s the difference? 

Hi, baby.

You know, I feel sad lately. Every time you come around you don’t smile at me like you used to. You used to be grinning when you opened the door to our room. Our room, you say, the room full of crazy things we did together, the laugh, the sex, the cries.

Baby, I know you don’t notice your scent is changing lately. You used to smell like a faint tabacco. Ah, you do have bad smoking habit. But now, now you smell like a vanilla, a sweet enamour scent. A smell of a woman.

I know, I know you must be doing fine out there with her. I know that the one you truly love is her. Oh, love. I begged you to give me one, but the only one you have already kept by her. If only I was the first.

Smile, sweetheart. I’m okay being your second choice. Smile, so I can forget this annoying feeling inside my heart. 

You can kill yourself. Of course.

And the pain will be stop, as your hand’s bleeding out.

As your breath is slowing down.

As your eyes are closing down.

But, also your efforts to live day by day were become so meaningless.

All your courages to smiles were wasted.

All your achievements were nothing.

Your cries before bed were pointless.

Indeed, your life was a mess.

You can kill yourself, of course.

You can hurt yourself, that’s okay.

But why?

Why do you have to kill someone that was so brave and courageous to live their life?

Why do you have to stop their smile?

Why do you have to abandon their life?

Just why?

Why?

I pick up the third book from the floor. Yes. I'm reading books this whole day and this is my third book. What? A nerd? Yes, maybe I am. I don't really care though.

"Hey, what are you doing?"

"Hey," I smile lightly and peek a bit toward him, "Reading my third book today."

He sat beside me in silent. 

"What?" his stares annoyed me.

"Nothing," he smiles.

My phone beep and without any hesitation I open up the new message. It says "UGLY! NERD! FOUR EYES!!!"

I sigh deeply. What the hell? I don't even know you. And, fyi, I've never even disturb you in any way. Gosh.

"What is it?" sound of curiosity in his voice.

"Nothing," I put off the phone on the table, "On second thought, am I ugly? Or weird in any way?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, nothing. Just a bit curious about the way people may looked at me."

He chuckles and reaches out his hand to my head, ruffles my hair gently and pulls my shoulder till I bump his wide chest.

"In my opinions, of course, without any doubts, you are weird."

"What?" I hit his chest lightly with my elbow, annoy with his statement.

"But, listen, everyone in this world are weird in one or any other way. So, I think, it's okay to be weird. For instances, I am weird enough to write using typewriter on this era. Well, hello people! we have laptops and smart-phones these days!"

"Ya, you are so weird in that way! So annoyingly loud every night."

"See? No one in this world except me using typewriter anymore. And because I'm different, I'm unique, so people tell me I'm weird. But, it's okay. It's okay to be weird, to be unique, to be different."

I sigh deeply, nod my head lightly.

"Whereas you can be the weirdest person in this planet or galaxy, don't ever let others to make you believe that being weird is equal with being ugly. Again, as cliché as it is, everyone has their own beauty, including you sweet pea."

I look at him with an unsettled stares.

"And, thanks to me, and of course my lovely wife a.k.a your beautiful mother, you have the ever greatest genes and stunning intelligence and undoubtedly magnificent, refine,  exquisite..."

"Okay, stop. You exaggerate the words, Dad," I cut his words.

He smiles widely and tap my arm in rhythm.

"But, believe me, that's really how your Mom and I feel. You are the most beautiful thing that happen in our life. So how can be you are ugly, while you are one of the fraction of beauty that universe has been given to me and your Mom?"

"Geez, seriously, you always exaggerate the words, Dad."

He's laughing now.

"Geez, seriously. I tell you what are things that I find beautiful in you. First, your eyes. The color of your eyes is same with your mom. Black. So black. As if black pearl, so astonishingly beautiful and mysterious at the same time. Second, I love your freckles, it arranges so perfectly like stars in skies. I love how your face slightly red every time you happy and how deep you drawn in your books proves me how intelligent you are. I love how sensible you are to your grandparents and your nieces and cousins. You willing to share whatever you have. Ah! I remember that one time Sam tear off your favorite book and you just said 'nah, it's okay' while hold up your tear. Your kindness, compassion and understandings toward other is one of your hidden beauty. And...,"”

"Okay, stop it. You are making me embarrassed."

He laughs and pull me tight into him.

"How can I be someone so different in your eyes? I've never find any man that can adore his daughter like you, for sure."

He smiles widely, "Oh I don't only adore you. I adore, idolise, admire, worship, fall for and love  you."

"Geez, so embarrassing!" 

I bury my face deep inside his chest. What an old man I have.

You.

The first time I met you,

I finally understand what it means

to fall in love at the first sight.

As cliche as always,

this love poem says the same verses.

You came at the dark like a shining little star.

You came like a ghost, as mysterious as that.

Like a fool,

I'm thinking about you all night.

Ah, this damn sleepless night!

Why do I smile everytime I remember the shape of your smile.

And here I am,

keep rewinding the colour of the wind that night.

As you came,

as the verses of this universe.

Oh, my dear you.

Let me take you inside this darkness of my dream.

Hold me tight, imagine this filthy blanket as your arms.

"Whaaaaattt?" ia akhirnya mengarahkan tatapannya kepadaku.

Mataku masih memandangnya dengan penuh kerakusan. Mengamati rambutnya yang bergoyang-goyang seiring dengan gerakan kepalanya. Poninya yang terbelah berantakan. Wajahnya yang sedikit berkeringat. Bibirnya yang berminyak, akibat kuah mie yang diseruputnya.

"What?" tanyanya galak.

Aku tersenyum tipis memandang kerut yang tercipta di antara kedua alisnya. "Would you please stop glaring at me?" ucapnya.

"No."

"Huh?!" ia meletakkan mangkok di hadapannya dengan sedikit hentakan. Tangan kanannya menghapus sisa kuah dan minyak yang menempel di sekitar bibirnya dengan sembarang, "Are you that hungry?"

"Huh?"

"Aku bisa masakin mie, kalau kamu segitu laparnya," ia berdiri dari duduknya dan berjalan ke arah dapur, membawa serta mangkuk mie-nya. 

Kuangkat badanku, berjalan mengikuti langkahnya. Sesampainya di dapur, ia mencuci mangkuk bekas mie-nya, sementara aku berdiri di belakangnya, memperhatikan setiap gerakan tubuhnya.

"What do you want exactly?" ia menggeram pelan sembari membalikkan tubuhnya. 

Kulangkahkan kakiku lebih dekat ke arahnya dan menarik wajahnya mendekatiku. Kujatuhkan bibirku di atas bibirnya dan melumatnya pelan.

"Ugh, rasa mie," ucapku sembari menggosok bibirku.

"Serve you right!" kekehnya.

"You're so disgusting!"

Ia tersenyum lebar dan berjalan melewatiku. Setelah beberapa langkah, ia berbalik dan menjulurkan lidahnya – mengejekku. 

"God! How could I fall for you?" teriakku.

Aku pelacur.

Itu sebutan yang diberikan pada orang semacamku kan? Ah, ya karena aku membuka lebar kedua kakiku untuk siapapun yang mau memberikanku uang makan malam hari ini.Ya siapapun, tidak peduli dia laki-laki, perempuan, kakek, nenek, om, tante, mbak, mas... asalkan aku bisa memuaskan berahiku, begitukan ucapmu?

Dasar banci!

Dua puluh tujuh tahun sudah kuhafal dengan umpatan itu. Berapa lama kira-kira seorang manusia hidup di dunia? 70 tahun? 43 tahun lagi, 43 tahun lagi, hiburku setiap hari. Aku bertanya apakah kamu membenciku karena aku menangis saat melihat pengemis dan menyetrika pakaianku dengan sangat rapih? Ah, atau itu jangan-jangan pujian untuk diriku? Pujian atas keberanian melawan kuasa agama dan Tuhan, begitukan katamu?

Iyuh, homo. 

Kamu berlari namun tak juga berhasil mengubah raut wajah yang menunjukkan kejijikan itu sekalipun jarak kita sudah begitu jauh. Ahahaha, aku bahkan tak berpikir untuk membuka celanamu dan melakukan sesuatu kepadamu kan? Dan sekalipun kamu membuka celanamu dihadapanku, aku yakin pemandangan yang kaupertunjukan sama sekali tidak menarik untukku. Jangan terlalu percaya diri.

Alah, perawan tua.

Bisik kalian saat melihat keberhasilanku membuka usaha di usia 40 tahun tanpa bantuan seorang pria di sampingku. Duh, kenapa seumur hidupku aku perlu merasa bahwa aku dikeluarkan dari rahim hanya untuk bekerja di atas tempat tidur. Sepi sendirian seumur hidup, ucapmu. Lalu katakan padaku siapa manusia di dunia ini yang tak pernah merasakan kesepian, meski di tengah keramaian?

Anak haram, tidak punya Bapak.

I remember that one day I spent the night at your place. We woke up nearly at noon and like we always do, we drank a cup of coffee together. I sat on the wooden chair that circle your dinner table while sipped the sweet-bitter liquid you prepared for me. You enthusiastically showed me some videos in youtube, said how great the performances and how you want to do the same.

I remember there was a covered dish in the middle of the table. And when lunch time arrived, you opened up the dish and realize there were only two pieces of chicken for three people there - you, your friend and me.

I remember we had a plate with a plain rice on it. You gave one piece of chicken to your friend and take the other one to your plate. And I remember you said:

"This is the best part of the chicken," you split the chicken with your hands and place it on my plate, "My Mom said it the other night to my brother."

And I remember how happy I am to be cared like the way you did it to me. I was overwhelmed. I was not even remember how the taste of the best part of the chicken. But I remember clearly, the way your hands split it into two and place the best part of its on my plate.

And now, when I remember your (insensitive) little gesture (that has no meaning at all for yourself) that day is hurting me. Maybe that day you just acted like you always do, doing kind things for everyone. Yeah, I always know deep down that I am no more than everyone . You kind to everyone, smile a lot to everyone, gentle to everyone...

And it hurts so much, cause even now I still want to do the same. The same way you did, I'll give you the best part of the chicken.

Today, I saw you at the garden behind our school. No, I actually didn't see the whole you, but that 1/3 circle that attach in your face drawn me more and more. And the more I force myself to remember the whole you, the more I wonder how tall you are, what color your eyes are, what shape of your eyebrows are, does your cheek blush when you laugh so hard...

I don't know since when I'm so attach to you. We don't event talk to each other. Ah, but I remember that one time when you picked up my eraser that accidentally rolled over below your chair. Wasn't it funny how my eraser travel so far through 5 chairs? And the moment you picked up my eraser, I knew for sure you turned your head and looked me in the eyes before you talked to Sam - the one that sit beside you - for asking whose eraser that is.

Ahh, how can I forget those eyes? I remember perfectly the moment you looked at me in the eyes, so how come I not remember the color of your eyes? Well, I might check it tomorrow.

The color of your eyes.

And now I take the picture of the picture of us.

Angle-ing so it can be just the two of us, smiled side by side.

In that picture of us, our arms touched yet your heart so far from mine.

And after years gone I make up my mind just to acknowledge that I do really love you.

It's so sad, to know I love you 'til now.

It's so sad, to know I can't be yours.

And you can't be mine.

And now I take the picture of the picture of us.

Angle-ing so it can be just the two of us, smiled side by side.

In that moment we looked so happy yet now I look it with teary eyes.

It's so sad, how can I love you this much?

It's so sad, I keep on chasing this forbidden love.

And it hurts so much that I never be yours and you never be mine.

And now I close my eyes, force myself to feel enough of all of this.

To feel enough of many times you insensitively held my hand.

To feel enough of that two times I slept beside you.

To feel enough of your hugged as a friend to me.

To feel enough of your sweet talked to brighten my days.

And it hurts so much to know I never be in your future and you never be in mine.

And when you said "I miss you", it hurts so much because the meaning of your words are not the same with mine.

And when you stared at me, it hurts so much because I want it the way I stared at you.

And when you called me to ask me came to your place, it hurts so much because no matter how close I lay to you, the next day I will lay alone in my room.

And when you said "Sorry, I reply your text late.",  it hurts so much because your kindness is not the only thing I need.

And I realize now how amazing love can be.

Cause this thing people called love, brings me joy at one time and despair at another.

Cause this thing people called love, brings me life at one time and kill me inside at another.

Cause this thing people called love, brings me you at one time and take you out at the end of the day from my life.

Aku jatuh cinta, pada hari pertama aku melihatmu.

Saat itu kamu berdiri di atas panggung dengan penuh kecanggungan dan kerikuhan.

Tubuhmu bergerak kaku, namun matamu berbinar begitu terang.

Senyummu tipis, malu menutupi kegugupanmu.

Jika waktu dan semesta telah menentukan masanya. Jika dua hati telah menemukan jalannya. Ini yang akan kukatakan: "Mengapa kamu memerlukan begitu banyak waktu untuk menemukanku?"