Wanna Talk 'bout ME, wanna Talk 'bout I

I’m just so tired.

Wanna Talk 'bout ME, wanna Talk 'bout I turned 4 today!

I don’t really know where to begin this entry. I haven’t written one in such a long time…so much has happened. If you will recall, my mother was in the hospital last time I wrote one of these. I am happy to say that she pulled through just fine. The final diagnoses was Fournier's Gangrene. Very rare in women but common in diabetics. I had to do A LOT of stuff nurses do over the last few months. Bandage changing, wound cleaning, wiping butts, giving showers, etc. etc. But all that is over now. (Well except the showers part, I still have to help her with those.) She is fully healed. While we were in the hospital for a month, I responded to a romantic craigslist ad. I texted with the guy, Ronnie, for approximately two months. During that time he promised to take me on my first date and I got a taste of what it would be like to be in a relationship. But when we became friends on facebook and he found out that I was in fact asexual, he backpedaled and said he had met ‘the woman of his dreams’ somewhere else. So that ended that and I was left dejected and lonelier than ever. That was around December 2015. In January 2016 I got my drivers license and thus began my search for a real job. I got one within a week. Texas Animal Medical Center hired me practically on the spot. I had to work there for a few hours to see if I would ‘be a good fit’ and did training for four days. Then I actually worked full time for three days. During this time I and the other employees were continually harassed by Dr. Ervin. She cussed us out and threw complete tantrums in front of customers. (One incredibly nice lady gave me a $5 tip and told me she would never return because of how she saw me treated.) I witnessed Dr. Ervin throw and break a computer mouse and heard stories of her throwing things like staplers at her employees. Dr. Ervin also did not like her employees getting to know each other and kept lunch breaks separated so as to make fraternization less likely. She’s a penny pincher too. She refused to let us throw away stinky trash bags and threatened to take the measly 2 dollars out of our paychecks if we did. I’ve heard many horror stories of overcharging from former customers. Every night I came home crying and shaking from the emotional/verbal abuse. Physically my feet could not handle the amount of stress that came with standing, with only one 30 minute break, for 12 hours. My thighs chapped so bad they bled. After all of this, after only three days, I quit. Dr. Ervin cussed out my mom when she found out. When I got home my last day I googled my employer. Turns out she’s almost lost her veterinary license multiple times and has lawsuits against her. Almost all reviews on public websites were from former employees describing much what I went through. To sum it up, if you are in the area, never do business with TAMC. There are other, much cheaper, options for 24 hour clinics in Waco. The last thing I want to write about is the greatest loss I’ve faced in more than 10 years. If you know anything about me then you know I have four cats that I love dearly. Because of my shitty apartment landlords, I had to relocated my cats to my grandmas house. She’s been taking care of them for me for two years now and I visit them whenever I can. Then I came today to visit, two days after finding out that a neighbor was complaining about and threatening two of my more adventurous babies, to find that my grandma had gotten rid of my sweet Haru and Mama Kitty. With permission from her, my uncle took them to his home and placed one at his house and one at his other house. It is highly, highly unlikely that I will ever see them again. I didn’t even get to say goodbye. I’ve been crying for the past few hours and wonder: did they know I loved them? Are they scared right now? Will they be loved in their new homes? What am I to do? When my dog, Reddy, died in 2008 I was really messed up and it still gets to me when I think about it. The last time I thought I was going to lose Haru (and Kuro) I tried to kill myself. I spent a week in a mental hospital all because I loved my cats so much. Nobody understood and now nobody understands my grief. There is no good side to this story. Nothing good can happen when you lose something that you rescued and raised and loved with all your heart. God help me through this.

I’m writing this from my mom’s hospital room. This morning she finally decided she was in enough pain to call an ambulance. All because of a stupid boil. We all thought it was just an infected boil. We tried treating it with Prid drawing salve. But ti never seemed to get better. And the smell. When she got to the emergency room the told her it might be gangrene but it turned out to be some non-contagious form of flesh eating disease. My mom is still very emotional, in a lot of pain, and concerned about her physical appearance. But if we had waited just a few more hours she wouldn’t even be here. So thank God prayer works. I’m still not sure how I feel about all this. I still feel so disconnected from everything. I mean why does all this shit happen to us?

I drew all of these today after not drawing for about a year. Forgive any mistakes!

I haven’t written in a while, which is sorta obvious. I’m feeling really panicky right now and I’m really depressed so this might not be the best time to write. I’ve been to a few parties since the last time I wrote in April. They were so much fin and I can’t wait for the next time I get the chance to go. The last party I went to was a clean up get together at Hurricane’s house. Hurricane has been super depressed for the past few years and it really shows in her house. So a few of us got together to help her clean up. I didn’t do much, alphabetized a few DVDs, but I gave her 20 dollars to make up for not cleaning. We grilled some hamburgers and they were delicious!! I talked to a guy about making homemade dream catchers for like 45 minutes. Cleaning gives me extreme anxiety and it sucks that I have to do it so often at home. I’ve decided to dye my hair. Orange and black, my favorite colors. I’m going to get it done at a salon because I don’t think I could get the shade of orange I want on my own. I’ve also decided that I want to get my septum pierced. But I’m terrified of needles! So I’m scared, but it looks so cute I just might do it anyway. My mom said my dad will kick me out if I get it pierced but I could care less what my dad wants. My mom said it will break her heart but I think she’ll get over it when she sees how cute it is. I have a folder full of ideas for tattoos that I want. But I have no money and no job to get money. And no one will lend me the money to get a tattoo. Who would I even ask for something like that? I’ll just have to dream for now. My mom says tattoos are trashy. Do you agree?

It’s been another month since I wrote here. It seems I’m always at Mawmaw’s house when I write these things and that’s always about once a month. Mawmaw is making some cabbage stew. Kuro has been between the chair and down on the floor all night, having me pet her till my arm practically falls off. Sassy is still declining. She’s so skinny and she sheds like you wouldn’t believe. I don’t think she’s going to make it to the end of this year. I hope she does though. My heart feels numb when I think about losing her. I haven’t lost a pet since Reddy died back in 2008. I just don’t know what to think. Maybe I’m in denial. I’ve been writing like crazy since I got to Mawmaw’s. I’ve already written two chapters of Mudd in two days. Believe me, that’s crazy! But now I’ve gotten stuck again and don’t know where to go from here. I’m so uninspired when it comes to my other stories and I feel like I’m disappointing so many people. I ended up not going to my driving test cause every time we wanted to go it was raining or sleeting. Now we’re going to have to wait till May. I got an okcupid profile. I haven’t met anyone really interesting yet ‘cept for one girl named Ashley. We only talked once but it seems we really clicked. On an ending note: Guys are gross.

Well it’s been a while since I wrote one of these. Nothing has really happened since Christmas. (I’ve only gotten to wear the dress I got once!) I’ll try to think of something to write about though… I’m still going to munches, though I missed a few, and I’ve been to two parties. The first party I went to was pretty awesome. Most everyone, not me, played a card game called Cards Against Humanity. Then I watched some people try the Violet Wand. I touched it and ran it across my leg to try it. I think I’ll get the full massage next time they bring out the tables at a party. The second party I went to was a girls only Valentine’s Day party. We made valentines and ate a lot of wonderful food. The violet wand was there again but I didn’t feel confident enough to get the massage that time. But mostly it was just a lot of talking. It was a lot of fun though and I made some new friends. One girl, Moon, even said she wanted to go on a shopping trip with me, but I haven’t heard anything more about it so I don’t know if it will happen. Daddy is making me get my driver’s license. He keeps making me practice. I hate it. HATE it. I hate driving with him, it drives me up the wall and makes me depressed. I really can’t stand my dad sometimes. Next Thursday is the day I take the test. I put in a bunch of applications lately. I haven’t gotten a response from one place, but everywhere else has told me no. I guess I’m just not good enough. Nobody wants to hire me.