#daybook

Yuriko Yamawaki "Day Book"

“If you knew that it would have been the last time in a while, where would you have gone instead?” I’ve asked this time and time again now that I have been staying home and most of my days are spent working my way through the chaos.

It’s been a long time coming, and I knew that returning here will not be easy. It took a lot for me to look back and filter posts and stories I wanted to keep. The years of 2015 to 2020 was a whirlwind. I wanted to be so many things all at once. I’ve gone through ups, downs and a whole lot of turns. I’ve been to four countries (photos of which have never even seen the light of day) and did some things which 2015 me could not have imagined. Although I was able to scratch some things off my bucketlist, I know that I am an unfinished work. These past five years seem to be always: “go go go! no time to think and just do it.” 2020 has somewhat “forced” me to stay still. Despite all the havoc this pandemic brought into the world, a part of me believes that this forceful slowdown is what I need to take a step back, assess my life and see where I am headed. While I’ve been working so hard to reach my goals, I have always felt empty and tired, like there is no end to this race. 

I’m at the point in my life where I’m not sure where I am headed, yet staying still is not an option. I really must have taken it to heart, this phrase I coined for myself five years ago: lost & free. It is only now that I have discerned what it truly means to me: not being part of anything or anywhere means that I could do whatever I set my mind into. After all, being alive means having infinite potential. Maybe, being lost & free in a world of chaos, is not such a bad thing. 

Hello again Tumblr! Thank you to old friends who stayed and to new ones: I hope you don’t find me too weird for your liking.c: 

Kocaman yazılarla anlatmak istiyorum kendimi. Graffiti yapar gibi çizmek istiyorum, ruhumdaki derin izleri. Kararmış lekeler var sayfaların üstünde. Kirlenmiş kalemler masadan düşüyor yere. “Bir yazıyı birkaç kalemle yazmak gerek”der ünlü bir şair. Oysa mesele ne kalem ne de kağıt.