U N W R I T T E N

Tori: Nooooo, I couldn't possibly imagine :-p I mean, I love you to pieces, Kar, but sometimes I think you'd wrap me up in a protective bubble if you could.

Tori: Nope, I'm a very nonviolent person. And hopefully I'm raising a very nonviolent kitty, too. Only four, huh? Well, if you happen to be staying in Walt for grad school, maybe we could make it our goal for the next year to get that number up to five.

Karmen: If it helps, it'd be more likely to be an outfit of protective bubbles on you than one big protective bubble? LOL But WHY is being protective a bad quality in a friend?

Oh, that’s cool! Maybe I’ll follow Hollis somewhere and go try it out with her, she’s the family foodie for sure, she could tell me if what we’re eating is actually ‘good’ or not. I mean, left to my own devices, I’d eat kale with no dressing, but apparently that’s uh… nasty? Um… I don’t know, most likely to wear shoulder pads could be a thing for you?

A family foodie? How lovely! If you go, you must let me know how it is, both yours and Hollis’s opinion. I like kale, personally - I’m a huge fan of any food that’s green, so you won’t catch me calling it nasty, at least. Hey! I.... wish I could object, but I really can’t. They make me look taller!

J.C.: I didn't think of it like that, but it does sorta look like a chump with an f. A female chump, I guess. I haven't, no, Miss Karmen. What do they sound like?

J.C.: I guess the only thing I really need to be perfect in is diagnosing kids someday and making sure I get 'em feeling better on the first try. But I guess maybe I didn't need to be perfect for her. Maybe I just needed to be better than I was.

Karmen: Precisely what I was thinking lol. And llamas sound like a nasally squeal if you ask me, like a whine. It sounds kind of funny, actually.

Malcolm: A quick internet search says only like, one of the couples has actually stayed together fairly long term. Does that make it safe to guess you aren't going to be up for auction at the bachelorette thing this month?

Malcolm: Aren't those in now? I used to have this uh... fashion friend, and she seemed to think there was nothing wrong with them as long as they were easy enough to get on and off. Hey, well, there's always grad school for you to try the Malcolm method in ;-) You are staying, right? I mean, this summer isn't the end of Karmen Inca? Curious minds would like to know what they have to do to earn them, then. Or is that also top secret information?

Malcolm: Well, at the risk of sounding rude, then fuck them. Not literally, in the metaphorical ways. A fake backstory sounds fun. But maybe I've just spent a lot of time in my life imagining alter egos since being Malcolm Maleficent isn't great in, you know, name alone. Homemade pizzas. Dragons. Calculator games. Regular videogames, occasionally. This girl named Karmen, you might know her. Rubik's cubes.

Karmen: Oh, no, I'm going to be up for it! Have to raise money for the SHAW club, after all, it's a worthy cause; not that I think I'll go for that much but participation is important. Are you going to go? To bid?

Karmen: Ignoring the impractically for the fact that it's 'in'? Exactly why rompers are ridiculous! None of them are easy enough to get on and off, and if there are I haven't found them. I am staying, absolutely! I was on the fence but let's say the Malcolm Method helped me make up my mind :) You haven't gotten rid of me yet lol. Hmm. I suppose you could earn my secrets with time. That's the only price I can think of.

Tori: LOL whoever told you that probably wanted you to get scratched the heck up. Any chance you remember who gave you that advice so I can drop Toto on their head?

Tori: Hey, if she ever does hiss just think of it as being the same as like... you trying to clean up something before I've had my coffee or something. Everyone's grumpy sometimes, her hissing's like my grumbling. I've got too many cousins to forego human interaction completely :-p And I guess you're pretty okay too :-p

Karmen: It was somebody back home which, actually, I can see the 'scratched up' angle in hindsight. Can you believe I wasn't popular lol despite how fun I am?

J.C.: I wasn't real sure how to describe it so I asked the internet and apparently lady gators make a noise called a 'chumpf'. They say it's kinda like a cough-purr. You might need to find an audio clip to really understand. I'm real glad I can help, Miss Karmen. That's what I aim to do.

J.C.: That's okay, I understand that a whole lot. I still miss Aspen real bad somedays and try to think about what I coulda done better to make her want to stay. And that's just being perfect for one person, you wanna be perfect for everybody.

Karmen: A chumpf. That sounds like an insult lol. I'll look up a video clip, then! Have you ever heard a llama's noise? It's very strange and fun as well.

Sure, that sounds right! I mean, he just always seems to be yelling when I turn the TV on and browse past his channel, but that name sounds familiar. Does he even have his own restaurant? Or is he just a weird traveling chef? I think you might have already hit the ‘obsessed with cleaning’ phase! If we voted for a most likely to clean superlative, you’d win, for sure. You’d even beat Melody!

According to the Internet, Mr. Ramsey has several restaurants! Not as many as Bobby Flay, but a comparable amount. You really think so? That means so much! It’s probably weird that that means so much - I need to work on earning a new superlative before I leave. Any suggestions?

Malcolm: Am I getting the rocks embedded into a ring to propose to Shakira with at the end? Because that would be a plot twist. Not without a lot of prodding, no.

Malcolm: Shorts-overalls, the real mark of a girl who's lost herself completely in pursuit of popularity :-p I'm sorry I didn't witness your fake cool stage but I was kind of the opposite, actually. I got to my first day of class and I wanted to stay holed up reading my entire textbook the first night and of course I couldn't finish four courseworks of books in one night so I didn't go anywhere until I joined D&D club and math club and bowling team, so... you did better than me. Oh do you? So I'm guessing it would do me no good to ask what those secrets are?

Malcolm: Eh, if you want somebody to be your king and queen and they don't pass the rest of the world's test, then just ask them to change their identity and have fun creating a really elaborate fake backstory that the kingdom would approve of :-p But that's cool. You seem a lot more likely to find something that could make you happy if you're actually, you know, open to it like that. I see things that aren't numbers! I see Pokemon!

Karmen: Sadly, no :( Shakira is an observer, not a plot point, which makes it extra odd that she's even there. I was never a fan of Bachelor-style shows and games myself. Who could actually fall in love like that?

Karmen: I had rompers, Malcom! Rompers! The height of unpractical clothing! I was a fool. I'm glad you didn't see it lol and I'm even gladder you didn't fall prey to a similar school of thinking. The path you went down is so thoroughly yourself that I vote you did far better than I did. And nope, but nice try! My secrets are mine until otherwise earned :)

It’s not particularly polite conversation, but I’d hate to leave a question unanswered so no, I have not.

Malcolm: I haven't actually heard of any of those games, but Shakira seems like a guilty pleasure for everyone, so maybe I'll try that one. Except what kind of game even IS it? It's not The Bachelor, right?

Malcolm: You can say I have too much credit if you want, as long as you never plan to ask me for any kind of math help :-p You tried??? Damn, never would have guessed that. I want to know! How did you try? What did you do? Who were you trying for? You seem good to me, but you can have it your way, you know yourself better than anyone else could ever hope to, no matter how much they might want to know you. You could always just ask her. Or ask someone for a truth potion to give to her outside of Walt lol

Malcolm: I went with Dolly, before I, you know, kind of forgot about her. But I've never really felt the need to have a prom redo or anything. I'd rather just spend time with a cool person in a crappy place than time with a random person in a "cool" place. What do you think of dating as now? Exactly! That just makes you a more credible leader, people love credentials. I'll help keep you sane if the stress ever gets to you.

Karmen: From the look of it, it's just like a Candy Crush situation where you match three similar rocks (the Love Rocks, I assume?) in a row. And Shakira happens to be there lol. I'm not sure HOW it was dreamed up as a concept for a game but there you are. Why, would you not play a The Bachelor style game?

Karmen: In that case, you have the perfect amount of credit for yourself lol - I don't PLAN to ask you for math help but I'd be a fool to not admit that you'd be the most helpful if I needed it. I did try, though, I really did! I wasn't trying FOR anybody in particular except for, well, me, and it was when college started. I signed up for random clubs and I wore shorts-overalls of all things and I'd pick a place in Walt at random and go hang out there all night waiting to see if an adventure ever happened, and if anyone talked to me I dared myself not to tell them everything about me... and I failed so hard the first week of trying because I really can't fake cool :-P Truth potions are so creepy though lol I don't think I could do that to someone unless I had real reason to believe they were an enemy of the state or something. I wouldn't want karma to end up slipping ME a truth potion in return :-P I like having secrets once in a while.

In all honesty, not often at all. That isn’t exactly a part of my life.

I mean, they aren’t like gross or anything, they have normal underwear musk. They probably smell more like sweat than anything else, really, since no day’s complete without at least a little exercise. You could be a cleaning coach? Like, that cooking guy who comes and whips people into shape and has a reality show about it, but he doesn’t actually do the work for them. You know which guy I mean, right? Gordon somebody?

Oh, I agree, a little workout every day keeps the mind and body healthy and moving. Gordon Ramsey? I only know him as a chef, but if he’s a chef coach too, that makes lots of sense; I used to watch this show about a woman named Tabitha who went to businesses and whipped them into shape, so something like that but with people’s rooms could be fun! Or, you know, could make me irreversibly seem too obsessed with cleaning, one or the other.

Caspar: There's nothing wrong with that! You're in your twenties, it's not too late to discover new things! In fact, it's /never/ too late. Let's do it then 😄 Nowhere close to being popular. Maybe people appreciate us more now, but back in the day I don't think that was the case. Being nerdy and wearing glasses made me an easy victim, I guess. Yeah, but Malcolm is WAY cooler than I am 😎 Thanks though.

Caspar: Oh god, I didn't even think of that! I know your empire is important and all, but as a selfish friend I really hope you'll stay a bit longer. 🙂

Karmen: It's so funny that you say twenties like it's young, because it makes me feel old as heck to think I'm already here lol. But yay, movie night! You seem cool to me, perhaps that colors my perception too much. And PSH I don't want to agree that Malcolm is way cooler than you - you're in the same league, he's just a different flavor 😄

J.C.: I think you'd know if there were alligators among you, Miss Karmen. They make a real distinct noise. Well, cats don't like water so the gators don't really get them, if that makes you feel any better.

J.C.: I won't ask what that is since it's your business, Miss Karmen, but I'm sure your GPA is something to be proud of. Please stop before you upset yourself, you're a real nice person, you don't need to feel guilty.

Karmen: That's a calming thought, actually. What do alligators sound like? If it's a describable noise, anyway, because I know indescribable noises exist. And that actually does make me feel better. You're a very calming presence, Mr. JC :-P

Tori: I don't know, I mean, they wouldn't revolt against it if you picked them up the same way as their mothers, I guess, but I usually sort of cradle Toto like a baby. She's cuter that way :-p and can't get away as easily.

Tori: In my experience you get hissed at lol. I guess only they can lick their fur wrong and they don't want anyone doing it for them??? I still have so much to learn!

Karmen: Cradle like a baby, okay, that seems much easier! I've at least carried babies before. Not in a while but I remember how. Someone once told me you're to carry pets like footballs but lol even I knew that was wrong.

Tori: It's ill-advised lol but it's been done! It depends on how you're touching it, she lets me stroke it sometimes, but grabbing it to keep her from moving isn't something she loves lol. And I'd never try to pick her up from it, ouch.

Tori: What part of her are you petting? Cats don't like head pats as much as dogs, usually; they're more about like, stroking their whole back. And never go against their fur!

Karmen: Oh, yes, picking her up from her tail seems like a massive no-no! Are you supposed to pick cats up from their necks? I've seen mom cats do that to kittens. I've actually never HELD a cat because I've been scared of, you know, claws. And teeth.

J.C.: That's a real impressive drowning rate, Miss Karmen. I mean, accidents happen all the time. Back home sometimes dogs get eaten by alligators but they assume they drowned and stuff 'cause they didn't see it happen. You not having anybody go missing in all that water says a lot about your kingdom and how you take care of it.

J.C.: But you care enough to do well in school, don't you? And if you didn't do well at being empress your people might rise up against you and take that away, power doesn't just stay with people who don't deserve it all the time. Of course, Miss Karmen. It'd be real good for me, I think.

Karmen: Thank you. In all fairness, I feel I should stress that that rate is for our water parks and falls. Outside of that, the rate is existent, but at least we don't have alligators in our castle.... although there are some rumors of them being hidden somewhere within by Yzma so who knows? That's so sad that people have lost dogs like that oh gosh. I was never a pet person but I kind of share a cat now and it makes me shudder to think of.