Truth
What is truth?
Is it the truth you tell yourself so you can sleep at night? Or is it the truth you tell on social media? Is it the truth you use to sweep uncomfortable thoughts under the bed so you can move on? Is it a truth that defines you? Or is it a truth that you define?
This past weekend, I went for our program's annual 2-night, 1.5-day SPRING RETREAT. No one is ever satisfied with its location, so it switches every year. This year, it took place in Palm Springs, CA.
The Pros: I have to say overall, this was the most fun I have had at a retreat in all 3 years. I think it had to do with several things - certain malignant people being absent, it was actually WARM outside instead of windy and freezing like last year, we actually had an afterparty vs going to someone's hotel room, and just the feeling that it was my last hurrah at the end of my last year of residency! I'm also really proud of myself for volunteering to speak publicly to hype someone else during the prelim graduation ceremony! I'm so surprised and thankful that everyone loved my speech. People came up to afterwards and said I have great comedic timing and never expected it from me. I just want to remember that feeling. It's floaty. :)
I'd also like to think I've matured more. I was okay and comfortable talking with one or two other people. I didn't feel bad about not being the center of attention or not being surrounded by a large group of people. But I'm not perfect, and I did find myself looking at certain people wondering why they're not paying me more attention in a self punishing (e.g. "am I not good enough?") and resentful way (e.g. "ugh, you besh, you think you're so great"). And honestly, I'm okay with that. I don't know if I'll ever reach that level of self-acceptance and self-confidence. I would love to, but even if I don't, I don't think I am a lesser human being or any less loved. So, even though I'm not perfect, the fact that this paragraph exists in this way is proof of how far I've become, and is the reason why it's a pro and not a con.
The fact that I've decided it's a pro automatically makes it a pro. If you seek, you will find. If you believe, it will come true. See what I did there? Yeah? :)
The Cons: Oh, where to begin. There's ALWAYS drama at these retreats. It wouldn't be a spring retreat without some kind of drama. And it's not usually 1 or 2, it's SEVERAL. It's an avalanche.
I don't want to bring in details for the sake of privacy, but suffice it to say, it almost always falls from games of "he said," "she said." There's almost always miscommunication and misunderstandings, whether purposeful or unintentional, but regardless, feelings get hurt and egos get bruised. It brings up for me the notion of empathy that my favorite book, "Feeling Good," by Dr. David Burns, talks a lot about. Namely, how a lack of empathy on at least one person's part plays a fundamental role in these situations.
Honestly, I'm only 30, and so I still don't know what is the best way to navigate through these murky adulting waters. I think one chapter of my life is over and tucked away, but suddenly it rears its ugly head at me, and I realize I never resolved it.
It was a lie I told myself so I could move on.
Empathy - true empathy, real empathy - is extremely difficult to achieve. I'm not confident I can achieve that for every situation I'm in. So, I think instead, I want to try to be open-minded to the possibility that someone else may live in a completely different world of what's right/wrong, fair/unfair, true/untrue. It's not really, "do unto others as YOU would have them do unto you." It's more, "do unto others as THEY would do unto you." Itās a good start.
And yet, you only know your truth. By definition, you can only know your truth. That is a truth you have no choice but to go to sleep with at night. It is beautiful, it is ugly, it is wonderful, it is imperfect...that truth is yours. And only yours.
And yet, that doesn't mean to me it's okay to hole up and only live within that truth.
āIf thereās any kind of magic in this worldā¦it must be in the attempt of understanding someone.ā ā Celine, Before Sunrise
That's all we really have in our arsenal - 1) our truth, 2) our honest effort in attempting to understand someone else aka creating the magic of empathy.
But there's a balance. There's only so much you can do if the other person or group of people are not ready for it. If it's not the right time or the right place. And that's always the hardest thing to know.
When to move on.
I don't think I can ever know per se. Rather, I think you feel it...when their memories become more relevant than their presence.
















