minding the snap

Bio

I'm a 32yo bi trans dyke and extroverted shy girl and this is my blog for kinky shit. Minors DNI (others list age in bio/pinned or you will be blocked, probably won't follow back if you're under 22). CW for everything, see below.

Author and psychoanalyst Avgi Saketopoulou acknowledges that many aspects of sexuality are bound up with trauma such that they are inherently risky, but rather than focusing on healing the trauma, Avgi thinks about what we do with it. Since these encounters are not necessarily possible within the realm of affirmative consent, Avgi proposes the concept of limit consent, something that probably will feel familiar for people involved in any kind of kink. I've only just finished the first chapter and there's a lot I don't understand, but so far this book is incredible. The next bit isn't from the book, it's just me thinking about how sex and ideas of consent play out in society.

I've been looking forward to this book for several months, ever since I heard it was going to be released. The way people invoke affirmative consent as gospel has honestly bothered me for years. Not because it "kills the mood" or something, but because I think it's really common for people to have positive experiences that break the rule of affirmative consent. If I tell a friend about a good experience that wasn't technically "consensual" (quotes because I don't believe affirmative consent is the only model of consent), it doesn't help anyone if they point out that my consent was violated. Worst case, that could reframe my memory of the experience from a positive one to traumatic. Sometimes that might be good and necessary, but it can also be harmful. I've had memories and experiences reframed like this in both positive and negative (you might even say nonconsensual) ways. And I think the focus on affirmative consent is part of why you see overzealous call-outs or witch hunts or shunning in some communities when certain formulaic ideas of "safe" or "consensual" practice were not followed.

I also think it's interesting that sexuality gets a special model of consent that society doesn't apply to any other area of life. To me, sexuality is very similar to therapy. You enter into a relationship knowing you're going to make yourself extremely vulnerable to another person, but not knowing how it'll go. Both sex and therapy can end up being painful experiences, positive experiences, or traumatic experiences, or even all three. A good therapist will be careful to make sure you're engaging consensually, but there's essentially no protection from bad therapists who can even take away your freedom by having you involuntarily committed. Similarly, children are legally protected from sexual violation, but they are not protected from other forms of abuse that are potentially far worse. While affirmative consent is seductive for it's simplicity and specificity, it's an overly simplified black and white model for a complicated subject. It prevents us from taking valuable risks (like Avgi argues), while diverting focus from the (imo) more fundamental but politically fraught principle of bodily autonomy. I think Avgi is charting out a better model for understating consent and sexuality.

Like I said, I've only just started reading this book. It's pretty heavy on philosophy and psychoanalytic theory for my science brain, so it's slow going, but so far it's absolutely fascinating.