:D

The morning after I killed myself, I woke up.

I made myself breakfast in bed. I added salt and pepper to my eggs and used my toast for a cheese and bacon sandwich. I squeezed a grapefruit into a juice glass. I scraped the ashes from the frying pan and rinsed the butter off the counter. I washed the dishes and folded the towels.

The morning after I killed myself, I fell in love. Not with the boy down the street or the middle school principal. Not with the everyday jogger or the grocer who always left the avocados out of the bag. I fell in love with my mother and the way she sat on the floor of my room holding each rock from my collection in her palms until they grew dark with sweat. I fell in love with my father down at the river as he placed my note into a bottle and sent it into the current. With my brother who once believed in unicorns but who now sat in his desk at school trying desperately to believe I still existed.

The morning after I killed myself, I walked the dog. I watched the way her tail twitched when a bird flew by or how her pace quickened at the sight of a cat. I saw the empty space in her eyes when she reached a stick and turned around to greet me so we could play catch but saw nothing but sky in my place. I stood by as strangers stroked her muzzle and she wilted beneath their touch like she did once for mine.

The morning after I killed myself, I went back to the neighbors’ yard where I left my footprints in concrete as a two year old and examined how they were already fading. I picked a few daylilies and pulled a few weeds and watched the elderly woman through her window as she read the paper with the news of my death. I saw her husband spit tobacco into the kitchen sink and bring her her daily medication.

The morning after I killed myself, I watched the sun come up. Each orange tree opened like a hand and the kid down the street pointed out a single red cloud to his mother.

The morning after I killed myself, I went back to that body in the morgue and tried to talk some sense into her. I told her about the avocados and the stepping stones, the river and her parents. I told her about the sunsets and the dog and the beach.

The morning after I killed myself, I tried to unkill myself, but couldn’t finish what I started.

God:

…no joke

i think the fic is somehow taking people’s accounts.

no fucking joke.

someone i was just talking to dmed me the link. they were nice. their account had posts.

now its empty, it has no posts, their header is blank.

DO NOT FUCKING CLICK ON THE FIC LINK. ITS SOMETHING THAT GRABS YOUR PASSWORD. I DONT KNOW WHAT IT IS.

I REPEAT. DONT FUCKING. CLICK. ON THE FIC.

Request: Hi :) could I request a fic where the reader is James twin & in Slytherin and he’s been lying and telling everyone they’re distant cousins or something and she finds out! Loads of angst ends happy with Sirius falling for her when he runs away to the potters house 🙂 Warnings: My English, language. Pics aren’t mine. Credits to their original owners. Kairos: A perfect, delicate, crucial moment; the fleeting rightness of time and place that create the opportune atmosphere for action, words or movement.The supreme moment. Word Count~4k+  MASTERLIST Pending Requests

Soft colors that faded into the bold and daring black; the sky was on fire and then it wasn’t. Clouds dancing and swirling with their magnetic force and then disappearing into thin air. Her eyes grew heavy just from glancing at him and made her understand why people often said that she shouldn’t stare at the sun… Almost. He was more like the stars and somehow the galaxy found its way into her eyes as the sweet afternoon gave its place to the effortlessly captivating night. She never felt like she truly belonged. Maybe it was because even her own brother didn’t want to talk to her while they were in school or maybe because their parents favored him and never really understood her and her own little world. So why did it matter that she was sorted into Slytherin while James was placed in Gryffindor? They were twins, not the same person. She wasn’t evil or even spoiled. Looking at the darkening sky while taking a drag from her cigarette, she thought that sometimes people broke and could never go back to being the same person again. That had happened to her, in a way. But that didn’t mean people weren’t able to heal… they just turned out to be different. When she had first hopped onto the train, she was a very vivid young girl but as the days turned into those months and months turned into years, she felt herself changing. Her mind was a battlefield as she was fighting every day just to make it out alive but she never knew who was winning the war because she was fighting against herself. People always had great expectations… Half of them wanted her to prove to everyone that she truly was a Slytherin while the other half that she wasn’t. Somewhere between the frustration and the headaches, she found out that James was lying about her all along. He had spread the rumor that she wasn’t family, just a coincidence… ‘besides, my last name is very common’ as he had said. At first, she didn’t want to believe it. He would never do something like that, right? Wrong. She got it now. All those times she had tried to talk to him and he had slipped away fast enough not to be seen with a Slytherin. It would hurt his popularity… and his ego. James always was the day while she was the night. They were the exact opposites. He liked bright colors and the sun, she liked the darker shades and the moon. He was famous, she wasn’t. He was a great Quidditch player, she sucked at it. He was a Lion, she was Serpent. And their parents, even though they had never said it, they preferred him. And she didn’t mind. Up until she learnt the truth. After an hour or so, she became furious. How dare he? She wanted to scream and bang his head against the wall, just in case it broke. But melancholy came in waves and a moment later she was drowning. Lightening up one more cigarette, secretly wishing that the smoke would eventually kill her, she felt so empty and full like the ocean that she didn’t realize she was crying. Numbness was all she was after at that point. She promised herself to wait all night before she talked to him. She had thought that she would sleep on it but she knew better. She was merely sixteen but she felt dead. The sky had turned a breathtaking shade of blue so dark most people would think of it as black. She always favored the night. A little envious of the stars and the distant planets, of the entire universes that were out there, of the galaxies still unknown to mankind. They were looking down upon all people but they were not here, already preoccupied with their existence and their need to evolve.  She was used to spilling pieces of herself here and there, in between all those meaningless conversations and meaningful silences; hoping that people will notice at some point and piece it together. The sad truth was that nobody cared enough to simply do that because they just want to be understood not to understand others. How could anyone see her for who she was when she has been scattered all around in everything neglected, when she was so good at hiding and being invisible? She shook her head. She didn’t want another round of that. She had already doubted herself enough to last her a lifetime. She simply smoked the night away, watching as the blue became black and noticing how it was always darker before dawn. The stars were looking at her but not really seeing, the moon made sure to hide behind clouds because her glance was brutally honest and raw and too heavy.   As the night was slowly giving its place to the day, she was fascinated- there was a war going on, right in front of her eyes. The darkness fought with the light, black against pastel blue and mauve in a velvet canvas. How was it that she only noticed it now? Each state of the sky reminded her of something. The innocence of the young and pure as the day dawned. Her great relationship with her brother until the noon, when the bright sun refused to give its place to the moon and shined even though it was past its time. All the lies and the hypocrisy and the finally… midnight and honesty. She looked awful, exhausted and broken but she waited for him right outside his common room. Once he emerged, along with the others, he saw her but pretended otherwise. She didn’t hesitate. “We need to talk” she stated coldly leaving four boys surprised. The others thought that she wasn’t being serious but James knew better. “Nope” he simply said. That was more than enough and all of the sudden she changed her mind. He was right. “You’re right. We don’t” she admitted, knowing that he had made his choice and making him want to take back his last word. He saw it in her eyes. She was deadly serious. She meant what she had just said. She walked away and went straight to her dorm, collapsing and sleeping within seconds.

Holidays had arrived and she had gone back home. It wasn’t ideal but she missed her life before everything became so chaotic. She hadn’t said a single word to her brother… no, scratch that. To James. She was acknowledging the fact that he didn’t want people to associate him with her in any way. She respected that but she wasn’t going to act like it didn’t hurt her. She had to survive somehow, and ignoring him was the best way she could think of. Not ideal, but bearable enough. The first two days were okay, even though the tension was a bit unpleasant but everyone understood it and she just stayed in her room for the longest part of the day. However, the third day everything was about to change. It had started out as a perfectly boring day. She woke up, grabbed a shower, put on some makeup because what the hell as she had thought, ate breakfast, helped with the chores a bit and went back to her room to read and let her mind travel. There were no signs that something was about to happen.  Soon enough, she was bored out of her mind and that’s why she decided to go and grab a coffee from that Muggle place, four blocks away. No one would bother stopping her anyway. It was pitch black outside, even though it was just five in the afternoon. Winter never seized to amaze her. Must have been her favorite season.  It was cold and chilly but something made her heart a tad warmer- maybe it was the fireplace that burnt 24/7, or the sweet smell of chocolate and pumpkin pie, or even the frozen snowflakes that landed upon her. Yet again, it might have been the hot cup of coffee she was holding in her hands. She was walking around the streets, while everything was standing still and her mind reprimanded her for thinking about him. It was strange, really. She felt like she knew him so well but in fact, they had barely said hello to each other. She did know him, thanks to James. He wouldn’t shut up about his friends all those times they got to spend holidays together and she still had no idea of his little game. Maybe she was a fool but she kind of missed that. Once she got back, the house was empty. A single note was waiting for her on the kitchen table saying that they had gone last minute shopping and they would come back later that evening. But she knew better. She felt her heart squeeze in a sad way until she had made herself comfortable next to the fireplace with a book on her one hand, a soft cookie on the other and a cup of tea waiting for her. As she got lost in the world of her book, she lost track of time and soon enough she stopped reading and begun daydreaming. She was thinking about the possibilities and the chances. Of all the unavailable guys in the entire world, she so happened to pick her brother’s best friend. Why someone may ask. Because she was a moron, she would answer. There was something so inviting in his stormy eyes that made her head turn. So chaotic and yet calm. Of course, she despised his arrogance and his confidence but when she looked closer, she saw that it wasn’t real. It was a wall that was put there in order to not only keep others from seeing him but to keep him safe inside. She understood very well that tactic as it was one of her own ways to deal with things as well. A loud thud forced her out of her state of mind. She didn’t bother looking at their direction. Why did people pretend? “We grabbed a bite while we were out. Do you want me to make you something?”. At least Euphemia was polite enough towards her daughter, she thought while shaking her head in a negative way. “No, thank you” she answered a bit coldly as she pretended to read her book. James was already upstairs, in his room. He felt guilty and couldn’t stand her honest glance. He knew that he shouldn’t have said any of the shit he did. Maybe he should try to apologize but then again… would she ever forgive him? He wouldn’t forgive him. “Okay, honey. It’s late. You should go to sleep too” her mother prompted her as she herself was heading to her bedroom. She didn’t want to admit it but she was waiting all day for the night. Everyone else was sleeping while she was wide awake, too captivated by the flames that consumed the logs and the serenity that was all around her. She had come to a realization. Everyone, even the wildest of souls, was looking for peace. They might not understand it right away but at the end of the day, everyone craved it. “I will. Just finishing the chapter. Goodnight” she smoothly lied. She wouldn’t go to sleep. Not before dawn.  She waited, patiently, until not a single sound was heard. Nothing but the crackling of the fireplace, and the howling of the wind outside. It always surprised her; how easy it was to exist at this time. Everything seemed to just flow… things that were meant to happen, would. Almost…like magic. She smiled at the thought. She had just made another cup of tea when she heard a suspicious noise coming right outside of their front door. She placed the cup down and waited for the noise to be heard again. And it did. It sounded like footsteps. “Oh, Merlin. I’m gonna die” she whispered to herself. One footstep after the other, getting closer and closer to the door. She turned the knob slowly and in one swift motion, she opened the door ready to face whatever was out there. Life had a very strange way to prove her point- that and a very strange sense of humor as well. At first, all she could see was a pair of stormy grey eyes looking at her confused. She was about to ask why on earth was he there when she truly saw him and gasped.  He was shaking and was not even able to stand properly. At a loss for words, she helped him get inside and closed the door behind her as soundlessly as possible. He hadn’t said a single word even though he was confused as hell. She helped him sit on the couch but his face paled even more. He was hurt, she realized. More than what she thought. “What happened?” she softly asked, still unable to look directly into his eyes. She took off his jacket which was socked and tried to help him but her mind wasn’t exactly registering everything. His shirt was socked too, but not in water. Stamps of dried blood were very visible. And suddenly, she knew what had happened. “Do you want me to fetch James?” she asked as calm as she could be mustered. He looked at her and she found herself unable to look away. All she ever wanted was for someone to look at her and see the person she hid so well. And he did. All it took was one goddamn look. He got her. And she got him. “No. It’s okay” he managed to answer. He thought about it. He didn’t want to wake up James since there was someone else there. “Alright. Okay” she comforted him, giving him her cup of tea in case that made him feel any better. It always managed to calm her down and she hoped that it would do the same for him. He took it but she noticed that his hands were shaking as he brought it to his lips and helped him before she could stop herself, something that didn’t go unnoticed by him. After several minutes of silence and many attempts to say something, he finally managed. “What are you doing here?” he asked her. She smiled a bit sad but shook her head. “I’m guessing James hasn’t told you either… I am his sister” she said with a bit of venom in her words. His eyes opened wide in surprise. He did not expect that.  It came as a shock but he was in no place to be any more shocked than he already was. He didn’t comment it any further and so she just dropped it and tried to figure out a way to help him. She couldn’t be sure, but she firmly believed that she would find many cuts and bruises under his shirt, just like the one in his upper lip and neck. She bit her lip, not wanting to make him feel any further discomfort but she thought that if he removed his shirt, she could clean up any dried blood and even use the cream that James had for his accidents while playing Quidditch. He looked at her, being all puzzled and worried and he felt stupid for not noticing the similarities between her and his best friend. “I can help you with… ” she trailed off, pointing at his chest. He flinched at the mere memory. “But I need you to help me. Can you take off your shirt?” she finally asked him, hoping that he wouldn’t be his usual charming self and let the innuendo go.  He simply nodded, not taking his eyes off of her. “Alright, give me a sec” she softly told him as she got up and vanished in the background. His gaze fell on the fire that burnt brightly and then the window… The curtains were open and he saw that it was snowing. Any other time he would be ecstatic but now, he just stared. Before he knew it, she was back with a bowl full of water and a soft piece of fabric that was already dipped in water.  She placed the bowl next to her as he tried and failed to take off his shirt. She let down the towel and helped him. She was thankful that the fire was still burning because she blushed. He didn’t make any sound but his face was pale and his breath ragged.  "I’m sorry" she whispered once the shirt was off. Under different circumstances, she would have stared at his torso with an aw-struck look but now, she could only feel pain and… rage towards the people who had caused this. He didn’t say anything but it wasn’t really necessary because her eyes told him that she understood. The first sound that was heard after a while was the moment the towel touched his chest. He hissed in pain and she removed her hand but he shook his head telling her to continue. “So…Slytherin, huh?” he tried to lighten the seriousness of the scene. She was gentle with him, almost too gentle to be a Slytherin. “The Hat may have placed me in Slytherin but that’s about my abilities… not my choices. I am the only one who can define who I truly am” she informed him as she cleaned up the cut on his lip. Her fingers brushed against his face in such a delicate way that he found himself lost. He would wince in pain if it wasn’t for her soft demeanor. He was unable to think of something to reply but she smirked a bit, challenging him yet she saw how exhausted he was. “Dog caught your tongue, Sirius?” she playfully mocked him but her voice felt like water against his scars. She did know about them. Of course she did, he thought.She was the touch of love while he was the scars of war, she was caring and he was violent… somewhere between her tenderness and his roughness, he began to question all the stereotypes he once thought as true.  How could he be the one judging? He had grown up in a place where everyone judged him… He slowly realized how difficult it must have been for her. “Wait - wait” she warned him as she reached for the cream he hadn’t seen her bring. She applied a generous amount all over his torso, neck and even a bit on his face. Her touch burnt him but in a way, he thought of as impossible. It didn’t hurt him. When she reached his lip, his fingers were wrapped around her wrist, making her freeze mid-air. There was something stormy in her eyes, he got that much. “You’re gonna stay here” she stated, determination pouring out of her words. He still hadn’t let go of her hand. “What’s going on?” a bewildered James caught them off guard as she instantly became cold and removed her hand from his. Sirius tried to explain but not exactly. “I left.  Apparently, they didn’t want to let me go. I am officially disowned”  he summered it up but she saw the pain in his eyes and decided to speak up not before getting a very rude come-back from her brother. “And you didn’t tell me because?” James mocked her, causing Sirius to furrow his eyebrows -which hurt by the way. “He needs to rest, James” she stated nonchalantly. James wasn’t really happy with all of that…He was his best friend. He should have been the first to know. “He needs a Healer” he argued but it felt stupid even to him. “No, I don’t. Your… sister helped me. Thank you, little serpent” his voice was small yet tender and she couldn’t help but smile at her nickname. James saw it and he knew. That moment, when his eyes met hers, James knew it.  It was that moment that he wished to take back everything. And he lowered his head. “I can make us some cocoa or tea if you want” he suggested, offering his white flag. She was about to get up and leave when a firm grasp pinned her down again. She turned to look at him with every wall… demolished. His eyes made her understand why he felt like a tornado. He was a shooting star, spiraling down but just like a star, he was magnificent in all his tortured glory. She wasn’t sure if she heard it for real if he actually said it but a soft 'stay’ was forever imprinted on her mind. They slowly understood that maybe they couldn’t fix what had been broken, maybe they couldn’t turn back time but they could begin anew. 

Sometimes, life has very unexpected ways to reveal its secrets.  Sirius saw the mystery of her soul every day. And every day he found himself walking into loving her - not falling for her. She never felt like falling because falling meant hurting and she was always so gentle with his heart, his mind, and ideas. Him.   She was staring at the sky once more, but she wasn’t alone this time nor did she feel hurt, broken or betrayed. She had partially restored her relationship with her brother - there was work to be done, but at least they were in it together. And even though she had always been careful her entire life, she had finally let another walk around her mind and her heart.  She trusted him enough to place her essence in his hands, willingly. The sky was vivid; the stars shined down upon them, the moon came alive just to witness a tale that it could later whisper it in the hearts of millions before it disappeared again. Rain clouds took over. But they both loved it when it rained. His scars weren’t visible anymore, and he had her to thank for that. She hadn’t healed his skin… anyone could do that. The cuts she helped him cure ran deeper than blood. As she gazed at the sky being mesmerized, he gazed at her. “What are you thinking, little Serpent?” he gently asked her. She smiled before looking at him. “How is it possible for a moment to be able to change a life?” she whispered as the last candle went out and they felt free in the dark of her room.  He didn’t answer.  He laid down on the bed on his side, with his eyes still on her as he patted the space next to him. She didn’t question. The room felt so small to contain her feelings for him…She could only see his eyes, silver like poison and alluring like thunderstorms. Somewhere between the twilight and the dawn, she realized that she had always craved a love that wasn’t holding her tightly but rather a love that whispered to her gently and tenderly like the soft breeze. Somewhere between the sun and the moon,  he knew he wanted to be the one she talked to until the hues of the night mixed with ochres of the dawn. Her eyes held the most tremendous truth and her lips could bring galaxies to life. “Like this” he finally replied but he had already captured her lips in a long overdue kiss before the end of his sentence. And the raindrops danced like fairies as they promised to keep their love a secret so the Gods would not envy them.

1. I want to keep this piece in a way that I can easily find it again