i have been thinking a lot lately. i donāt think my parents intentionally planted a love of storytelling in me. yeah, they read to me, introduced me to stuff, most of which even they didnāt have super strong grasps of. my dadās media comprehension is terrible, momās is off & on. which means itās a touchstone of me somehow, something thatās mine. donāt know why itās there, but it is. always has been despite me treating my brain like garbage for a long time, & continuing to nowadays against my will.
once upon a time i wanted to be a director. i donāt wanna be a director. certainly not in the general sense of the term & what it involves now. i love writing. donāt wanna be a writer. sit me at a desk every day and tell me if i donāt produce something worthwhile in an hour i canāt pay my bills? iāll shoot myself, thanks. any artistic talent i have is, ehhhh. iām not great at drawing or painting, could maybe improve with more work.
i like editing & feel iām competent at it, but again, what does life look like if you edit for a living now? i donāt wanna sit in my 1 bedroom apartment at a desk 8 hours a day. that would make me go insane i think. much as i love editing, iām slow at it. & it comes when it wants to and not before.
i did discover iām pretty decent at painting objects by working my current job, but a stone is easy to paint. i know i canāt really fuck it up, if you get the paint outside the margins you can scrape it off or rough the surface, at worst you can dump chemical on it wash it out and start over. i genuinely love doing it, itās one of the reasons i keep the job even though itās such a rare opportunity, because iām good at it and people see iām good at it & it does bring me joy to see it done & know i did it.
where does that leave me for jobs? i donāt know. i think i donāt really like the idea of working for other peopleāiād like to maybe build a physical skill that i could sell to anyone wherever whenever i needed itābut i donāt think i would ever want to entirely work for myself, either. i like the peace that comes with just being a cog sometimes.
but when i think about my brother, who is a pretty remarkable artist, in concept & writing & imagination, instinctive emotion, language, grasp of themes, musical talent? it does make me sad. iād love to see him somehow find an outlet. nobody likes creating for an audience of no one. but i donāt think the answer is turning everything into the next mcu, because not everything is suited for it and nobody wants it. if there is something in the margins, why is it so hard to find?
turnnoffyourmind
prguitarman
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