just jay

How do you know if something is actually for you? Will there be a spark making everything feel as it should? I met this guy with whom everything feels simple, relaxing, and easy—no overcomplications. It feels too good to be true, to say the least; however, the problem is me.

I can't tell if my insecurities are running rampant in my head or if it's the truth. In previous relationships, I have ended things early because I just knew that specific person wasn't the one for me. How do I know I am wasting the person's time?  Or am I in the way of something more significant for him? Maybe this, for once, I finally found someone with whom I could see a future. 

The scariest thing anyone can do is stay and be brave enough to express yourself and hope you don't get hurt. Maybe all my life, I have been creating these emotional boundaries after each failed relationship to prevent myself from getting hurt from the last. The last time I truly let myself open up to someone, all I felt was humiliation and shame. I was already in the worst state of mind I have ever been in my entire life. I was clinically depressed; I had lost almost everything in my life to the point where I had to keep my items in a storage unit I could barely afford and move back in with my parents. 

Once I hit that point-rock bottom, I felt I had nothing to lose. I forgot what it felt like to be vulnerable with someone. It felt uplifting in the moment with this person in my past, and I felt seen and understood for once in a long time. I thought I had made a genuine connection with someone, but I was naive. My most mortified feeling is to misunderstand a situation and mistake someone's kindness for care and affection. Once I realized the feelings were not mutual and would never be reciprocated, I exposed my raw and bare emotions to someone who didn't honestly care.

After that failed attempt at a relationship, I worked toward breaking the cycle and overcoming emotional barriers in relationships. Earlier this year, I learned to love myself more and to get to know myself better. Instead of being too vulnerable with someone too quickly when feeling down and impossible to get to know when you're focusing on yourself, it's best to use your best judgment. Keep living your life and finding new passions; sometimes, you must be brave enough to let someone in gradually.

What if I catch feelings and make a fool of myself again? How do I know I am about to repeat the cycle? Am I too trusting? Questions like these make it so challenging to accept this one amazing thing I have going on in my life. Am I ready to lay down my roots in one area and settle down with someone? How do I know if he feels the same? Eventually, I will navigate my fear of repeating past mistakes in love.

I fucked up. You fucked up. We all fuck up no matter our age. Some are more naive than others. There is a song that is playing on repeat in my head non-stop after what I saw tonight. How can I live on the island of delulu. 

Intrusive thoughts. A song that I strongly believe we all can relate to. 

We swear that we are too smart or witty to be caught in a complicated situation. Either you think you have learned from your past or you’re just too pessimistic. Are you fearless or just stupid?

I run to feel pain. I fuck to feel pain. I loved to feel the pain. I don’t think I can handle any more pain. No more getting the chance to fuck it all up. Sometimes love is not for me or you. 

Always a distant friend, but never someone to be more than just that. I haven’t had this kind of emotion since I was 19. I opened up to the wrong person that I wished was the right. 

Would the kid or teenage version of yourself be proud of the person you are in your 20s? Are you still a reflection of yourself before your 20s?

I blame failures for the time you need these moments. Whether it stems from dating/sex life or crippling debt. If you ask someone in an older generation, they will tell you to never look back to a certain extent.

Recently, I met a new friend who is 19 years old, and it felt like I was talking to a mirror. Seeing him on the apps and have simlar problems that I use to have was a reality check.

I begin to ask myself: "Is that what I look like in front of my straight friends?"

Hearing all the questions I used to ask and analyzing every word from a message from a guy you had only known for 24 hours. My favorite was the, "he is too hot to hook up with only once and try to date him" kind of phase. I have grown a lot from 19 to 26.

My biggest takeaway from that experience is that our actions sometimes reflect our morals. The age-old question is, should I fuck this guy right away?

“Call me by your name and I’ll call you by mine.”(Aciman & Hammer, 2017, p. 134)

I have never felt so connected to a story until I came across this book Call Me By Your Name. The emotions that Elio, the main character feels is so relatable. After watching the movie and falling in love with its story, I had to know more!

After reading this book I can honestly say that this story has made me feel everything that Elio was feeling. It’s amazing how I read those pages and instantly felt the words come to life within me. I fell in love with Oliver just as much as Elio did.

It’s not often I come across stories like this one. I really value the story and the main character Elio. I love reading stories where I can relate to the main character to a certain a level.

Call Me By Your Name is a touching story that I encourage a lot of young gay adults to read. Dealing with the struggles of repressing your emotions to later working up the courage to be who you are. This is a true coming of age story where I feel like I have lived to a certain extent.

Growing up I was just like Elio, filled with emotions and had nowhere to express them. One of my biggest struggles, when I was younger, was coming to terms of who I was. I was too shy to even say the word gay. Before I came out I would gaze at all the men that I was attracted to but didn’t have that extra courage to do something about.

Even after coming out I still don’t have the strength to tell someone who I adore so much how I really feel. When I was reading this book I can openly and honestly say that I have yet to find a connection as powerful between Elio and Oliver. However, I can think of someone special in my life that I miss as much as Elio missed Oliver after he left. This story made me reflect the time I burned a bridge with a genuinely nice guy. If only if this book before graduating high school, I would’ve handled my situation differently.

One of my biggest regrets is breaking one of the strongest connections I have ever had with a guy. I couldn’t help but envision myself as Elio and the guy like Oliver. He was in college like Oliver, and I was in high school like Elio.

For me, the scariest things to do is to throw myself out there and just bare and vulnerable in front of other people. That is a trait I value the most in Elio.

After reading the book I envy the connection that Elio and Oliver have. I understand that the meaning of the title. Elio and Oliver learned to love and value each other so much that they become the same person. Age is just a number to them. Their differences are what complete each other, while their similarities made them stronger as a person.

While I was reading this I felt the pages tug at my heartstrings, and blush with excitement. I felt like each character in the story taught me something for the better. Elio inspired me to take the leap of faith with life since we only live it once, even when it seems scary. Oliver’s careless attitude moved me with how much of a free spirit he is.

There is one character in this story who has his moment of inspiration and that is Elio’s father. His accepting mind and words of wisdom towards the end of the book struck tears in my eyes. He tells Elio that life can have its moments where we feel lost, weak, and just broken down, but it’s important that we feel these emotions and to get through them to help mold us into being someone stronger and better.

People react to being called beautiful

Strained Heart

Bright upon the moonlight

dwells an innocent

crushed.

Febel from the inside

desiring the warmth.

The warmth's that feels

invincible.

In midnight

the luminous moon illuminates

for all.

All that has felt strain in their heart.

Being a virgin to this strain,

only desires

love,

redemption,

and truth.

Lay down bathing in the moonlight

howls to the moon.

Bring back my non existing

For me, discovering shows and movies that are relatable is difficult. I find myself on YouTube searching for the best LGBTQ movies and series. I feel as if I am constantly smacking the refresh button on Netflix’s LGBTQ section just to see if there’s something that is interesting and new. The only show I have managed to fall deeply in love with is Queer as Folk, which can be found on Netflix. I managed to finish the whole series within a couple of months. The show is amazing, but I have had a seriously challenging time in finding a replacement; until now. I am not sure on how this little gem managed to enter my "suggestions" tab on YouTube, but I am for sure grateful for it! I saw The Horizon web series, and after the first episode, I was already addicted.

To begin with, The Horizon is an Australian LGBTQ web series that follows a closet case, Jake, who just moved to Sydney. Jake moved to the big city where he will finally meet a guy who he has been chatting online with for months, AJ. Little does he know that he is on his first step of becoming comfortable with his sexuality, where he meets an exotic Drag Queen who acts as a mentor for this young protagonist. Later, he has his whole world flipped upside down when his best mates decide to move up to the big city with him.

What I thoroughly enjoy about this web series is how I can actually relate to the main character at times. I know what it is like to be meeting up with people from the internet. When I was in high school, I battled hiding my sexuality. In a way, this web series is a coming of age story and is about a shy guy who is learning to be comfortable in his new skin.

Another bonus from this series is all drama with dealing with relationships, whether it’s with your partner, family, or friends. The series really shows how complicated relationships can be and displays the struggles of battling your own inner demons as well. Without a doubt, this series has its comedic moments, especially with a sassy quick-witted drag queen roaming around. More importantly, The Horizon manages to cover important topics that should be discussed such as HIV and PrEP. They show the struggles and display a perfect example of how to educate the LGBTQ youth on the importance of safe sex.

Moreover, I am so glad I came across this series after my winter break and I have managed to be fully caught up and impatiently waiting for season 9. The episodes for this show are extremely short, especially during the first 3 seasons. On average, episodes were only 5 minutes long, however, they managed to tell as much story as they could within such little time.

Furthermore, The Horizon has managed to accumulate a large enough following that there is a movie. The movie can be found on Google Play store, iTunes, and other media stores.  

Lastly, this series has what it takes to be the next big entertainment series for the LGBTQ community. The creators of the show know how to exemplify the struggles of each letter of the acronym. What makes this show really have me thriving for more is the fact it makes our community seem like it’s the social norm. The Horizon turns our lifestyle into something that shouldn’t be overlooked. For too long I have had to watch comedies, dramas, and other genres where it’s mainly with heterosexual characters being in the forefront. The Horizon has the potential to deliver high-quality entertainment and having a relatable lifestyle for me and other members of the LGBTQ community.