June Sirius

This is from S5 gag reel and cross-compared with the real footage of the show.

Never realized this shot is actually body doubles!! Must be because of the exploding glass hazard being too dangerous. A lot of respect!

But now that I know that, I'd just look too closely at that split second and okay yeah, it's sorta obvious now.

Reading "John Winchester's Journal", and oh god, the difference in how he treats Dean and how he treats Sam is making me nauseous. Just looking at what he writes down, what they did on their birthdays.

Dean's birthdays are filled with guns and hunting ever since he was five (god, he's five!), and Sam's birthdays have schoolwork and new laptops as birthday gifts, and you're asking why Sam's considered the smart one in the family?

I'm crying so hard for the boys, for every year of their childhood when they can't be kids. They've never been kids all their lives.

I fear we didn't talk enough about Cas's "I'm not going to let you or anyone hurt the people I love." And the murderous look in his eyes right after Donatello cursed Dean.

And there's something else in the script that's not exactly how the show presented: Donatello did mention that digging into his mind could fry them both, and Cas didn't care. We didn't really see how much he suffered, but in the script, it says: it's painful for him too, so much that Cas screamed.

Donatello: What are you going to do? Castiel: Something I swore I'd never do to another human without their permission... He unbuttons the cuffs of his shirt, rolls up his sleeves... Castiel: I'm going to strip the spell from your mind. (beat) I'm sorry -- but I have to do this, because I know you cannot be saved -- Donatello: I don't want to be saved. Cas nods, absorbing that -- Castiel: Then let's begin. Donatello's mind races, trying to talk his way out of this -- Donatello: Unless -- we could work together!? My knowledge and your power? We could rebuild the world as God intended. That's what all you angels want, isn't it? On Cas -- tempted? Not even close. Castiel: That road... has evil ends. Dontello's really panicking now. Donatello: Wait --! (tapping his head) The power I've absorbed -- it'll fry us both. Castiel: It might. Donatello struggles in his restraints as -- Cas gently takes his head in his hands. Donatello's eyes roll back, Cas scanning his mind -- after a beat... the prophet begins to scream. An animalistic wail -- Undaunted, Cas tightens his grip. Focusing. Gritting his teeth. This is painful for him too. And then -- Cas starts to scream as well.

Cas could have fried himself... just because Donatello hurt the people he loves, because he hurt Dean, and Cas knows Dean is the people he loves, and he's not afraid to admit that to the prophet... But Dean doesn't know that. Dean doesn't even know how much risk Cas took or how much pain he endured (how much does it take to make an angel scream?) to get the spell for him, to open the door to the other Apocalypse world to get Mary and Jack back.

And why doesn't Cas care about his life? Oh the angel who only sees himself as a weapon -- we have that in the script but not exactly in the show as well:

INT./EXT. Impala - Night Driving down a country road... Dean glances at Cas. Dean: How you holding up? Cas stares out the window, detached -- Castiel: I'm fine. Dean: Look, man, think I can tell by now when something's botherin' you. Cas relents, facing Dean. Admitting -- Castiel: Lucifer... Dean: Yeah, I know how badly it burns you up we haven't been able to find him. I'm with you... Castiel: It's not that -- (reconsidering) Well, it is that. But... I've been thinking... about the time Lucifer and I spent incarcerated together... (as he forms the thought) The only way I was able to outmaneuver him and escape was by trusting my instincts, relying on my angel nature, instead of pretending to be something I'm not... He fall silent, but Dean presses -- Dean: Like what? On Cas -- an answer, a realization hitting him. One he doesn't want to voice. Dean picks up on his hesitation -- Dean: What -- like us? Human? Cas nods. On Dean -- as that lands. Cas pivots -- Castiel: Dean, I have to believe I was brought back for a reason -- Dean: You were. Jack brought you back 'cause we needed you back. On Cas -- part of him agrees, but another part believes -- Castiel: I was created to be a soldier -- a weapon in the service of good. Dean: Cas, you're more than a weapon -- Castiel: In times of peace I can be, but if Michael really is coming -- Dean: We'll figure it out. (beat) Don't take this on yourself... you don't have to. Cas absorbs that, stone-faced -- as Dean pulls the Impala into a field.

The two of you really are the same... one thinking of himself as a weapon for Heaven, the other "Daddy's blunt instrument". And no matter how much they tell each other "you're more than a weapon", part of them still can't fully absorb that...

Dean's so soft and caring in this dialogue (probably exactly why they cut out the majority, leaving only the part he asked how Cas's doing, that they needed him back, which is just as sentimental as S08E17's "I need you").

"Seriously? You're a character from a book! Or movie! Or show! Whatever."

"Says a character from a book." Sherlock takes out a copy of Supernatural.

"Fucking Chuck! That's not... that writer is the God!" Dean huffs grudgingly. "Wait, don't tell me Conan Doyle is Chuck too, I'd kill him, again."

"I don't think Chuck's writing is that good, honestly."

Dean's relieved for a second. But tense again quickly. "Shit, he killed you off too, but then brought you back. How's that not Chuck?"

"Writer's common problem then."

"Enough flirting and get to the case!" someone yells.

"We are not --!" "I would never --!" Both of them turn at the same time and glare at the source of the voice.

---

"Is that really that difficult to accept Sherlock Holmes is real and breathing?"

"You're telling me you don't find it ridiculous? How ridiculous is our life?" Dean huffs again.

"Well, you've met Scooby-doo, lived inside the TV, been abducted to an alien spaceship, met Dorothy and had a friend who's been to Oz and back, your boyfriend is an angel, you killed Death. Do you want me to keep going? And you think meeting Sherlock Holmes is the most ridiculous thing in your life, seriously?"

"Uh," Dean shrugs. "Whatever. I don't like the dude."

"You don't like him because he's smart or because he's sassy?"

"He... he looks at me weird," Dean says weakly.

"You're being ridiculous."

"He's not like the book," Dean settles with that.

Dean doesn't celebrate his birthday, it's just another day like all the rest of the days, but at least he'd always "celebrate" Sam's birthday, because he enjoys trolling him about getting older with risks of having less hair and watching Sam turning into bitch face, that always cracks him up for a good five minutes no matter which year, especially when he got close to 30s, then 40s, then 50s -- what's siblings for, right?

Cas's birthday -- the one they just sorta all quietly agreed on the date a little arbitrarily, the day he came to Dean -- is always a blessing. Cas doesn't really see the point of birthday celebration, but whenever Dean is available, there'd always be some cake of some form: more than once, it's pie in the place of a cake, "It's round and sweet -- it's a cake, what's the problem?" Dean would say.

Sam would chuckle, and Cas would smile with eyes bright, so it's all worth it.

The three years when Bobby was still around, he'd give Cas something too; he'd grumble a little if Dean caught it and called it a birthday gift. "Just something I got around here," he'd say, "Thought it's best he take it. That's all." Cas would take it then, put it in his pocket. It was still in his pocket when Dean fished the soaked trench coat out of the water when Cas walked into the lake. Pages were all wet. Bobby had given him little pocket books. Dean made sure they were dried, later. But he hated that it got all wrinkled and he couldn't do anything to help. Like he couldn't help Cas come back -- not unless he comes back by himself.

Cas didn't mention those little books remained in his trench coat after. But Dean caught him touching and thumbing those wrinkled pages, contemplating, more than once, even when they were in Purgatory. Dean doesn't say anything. Just watches Cas stare at the book, then put them back in his pocket.

Bobby isn't around anymore.

Dean makes sure he gets Cas something every year.

The absolute hardest one is Jack's birthday. So hard that he'd almost always have to get himself half drunk on the day. The day he lost Cas. The day his world ended -- again. It had been, so many times, but his world always got pieced together, later, when Cas came back later. But that time, that day, was the day Dean fell down to the ground, knees in the soil, thinking, This is it. The scorched wings on the ground, Cas's wings. His heart got ripped out of his chest, his breath taken away.

That day Dean thought -- he knew, he was as well gone too.

And he lost his mom on the same day, and Jack, the kid lost his mother on the very same day.

How do you celebrate your birthday when you know that's also the day you lost your mother? That you never got the chance to even talk to her for once, when she was breathing? You can't. You just can't. But Jack deserves birthdays and cakes and gifts. Dean didn't do that too well back then, but he tries now.

If in S05 timeline Dean thinks this might be one of the ways to purify Sam's demon blood, make him clean, or maybe Sam wants it, and they think it might be worth a try, so they propose that Cas needs to make out with Sam. Both Cas and Sam are a little uncomfortable at the thought, but it's strategic, so for Sam's sake (and maybe potentially, they think, by helping Sam get rid of the demon blood, he wouldn't be the ideal vessel for Lucifer, then they could solve the Lucifer problem and prevent the Apocalypse, so basically maybe this is the solution to save the world), they have to kiss. And Dean doesn't realize how uncomfortable this makes him to see and he doesn't understand why, just secretly having a gay panic moment, rationalizing it as just because it's his friend and his brother, and they have the manly rule of not talking about these kinds of intimate activities or relationships. But Dean knows it's not any relationship, just a strategic move, but he's still so unsettled by it. He doesn't know it's jealousy.

But they can't tell if it works or not. Sam doesn't feel any difference. Cas can still see Sam looks different (Anna has said Sam looks different after drinking so much demon blood, it changed him, angels can see demons' true faces when they're in the vessels (separate thoughts: that might mean demon-blood-drinking Sam might can also vaguely see Cas's true face, and it looks different from the vessel, and Sam mentions that to Dean in some casual talk, like "Did you notice Cas looks different", Dean doesn't, then as Sam elaborates, Dean realizes something must be wrong with Sam and he gets worried but also secretly jealous that he gets to see Cas's true face but Dean doesn't, that even makes Dean has a split second of thought wanting to try some demon blood just to see what Cas's true face looks like but he doesn't, of course.)), so it could be because Sam has been changed by the demon blood and demon sex too much that simply kissing isn't enough to fix/reverse/purify him, they have the horrifying realization that they might need angel sex. All of them are uncomfortable at the idea at first, but once again, this is strategic, so Cas is onboard first (which surprised Dean because this is probably not too long after S05E03 and he's seen how flattered Cas can get around the idea of sex and he's "never has the chance", but somehow right now he's agreeing so quickly. Dean doesn't realize he's annoyed/upset too, for no good reason.). Sam would be bitching a lot, but Dean would be like, some meds taste bitter but good for your health; you should've thought about this before you went to have sex with a demon; he's sure this can be worse, having sex with Cas can't possibly be worse than demon blood rehab. So they went to some motel room to do that; Dean's in the separate room feeling overwhelmed and aching and agonizing and just a mess, and he doesn't understand why, thinking maybe it's just because he's worried about Sam.

And they come out, Cas says he thinks this is working; he can see less demon blood in Sam, but it still exists; they should continue doing this until Sam is purified. Dean has no way but to agree (and keep aching so damn much). Sam isn't happy but stops complaining.

So they do that until Cas announces Sam's clean; Lucifer is officially pissed that Sam's no longer his ideal vessel; they basically reversed all of Azazel's effort from all these years ago. Dean's glad (that Sam's safe now) and relieved (that he doesn't have to think about Cas and Sam doing that again) and still a bit devastated (that "you're not going to die a virgin on my watch" but Cas's first time isn't with him), and he's startled to realize he's actually thinking that (hoping his first time is with him without realizing), and he starts to understand that's jealousy that he's feeling and he doesn't know what to do about it, and he doesn't know what Cas thinks about this whole thing with Sam (nothing, actually, Cas really only does it for practical outcome) or feels about it.

Apparently, vessels consenting to be possessed don't have to be true informed consent; the ones tricked by believing they're consenting to something else would also count. Lucifer pretends to be Nick's wife and Vince Vincente's girlfriend to make them say yes; Dean allows Gadreel to pretend to be Dean to make Sam say yes. And so there is such an easy and obvious solution to make Dean say yes in S5: if Michael pretends to be Cas.

If there's any angel in the world that Dean would say yes to, that would be Cas. Remember 05x13 when Cas passed out flying them back in time and spitting blood everywhere? And Cas also said even that is actually better than he thought, and when he flew back to the original time, he said he's surprised he made it. Which means, for all he knows, Cas doesn't think he'd survive that time travel trip (which Dean has no idea of the danger, but asked that of Cas anyway, just like he did at S4 finale, basically asking Cas to sacrifice for him and Cas just did; that's a whole topic for another day). So what if, as soon as they landed and Dean found Cas lying on the ground and bleeding out, Cas is actually looking like he's really going to die right then and there, blue light in the mouth and eyes kind of a life-threatening situation, grace flying out of the body, and Dean panicks and has to act quickly and the only thing he can think of to save his friend (which would also be ensuring the only way they know how to go back to their own timeline) is to let Cas go into him before they figure out what to do, possess him, use Dean as a vessel, so Dean just says yes to Cas without much thinking. It's so easy to say yes to Cas. And voila, reveal that it's actually not really Cas; it's Michael pretending to be Cas (the real Cas is probably bloody wounded somewhere else nearby). By giving himself up for Cas, Dean essentially accidentally said yes to Michael, and Apocalypse 1.0, off we go.

So John met Adam's mom on January 9, 1990, on the ghoul case, having his "not a monk" life. That's when Dean was 11 and Sam was 7. And you know what else happened around that time? Dean made his first sawed-off shotgun in sixth grade (which was probably just the same year or the year before that) (which John kept it forever in his storage). And the Shtriga case that almost killed Sam, that was "sixteen or seventeen years ago" from 2006, making it right around 1989 or 1990.

Adam was born on September 29, 1990; he didn't have any contact with John until he was twelve -- until the year 2002. This is the year when Dean's 23 and Sam's 19, the Stanford era. Which means when Dean's solo hunting, and Sam doesn't want to talk with either Dean or John, what's John doing? Taking Adam to ball games on his birthday, September 29, 2002; teaching him pool and poker. Imagine there's a case in September around that time, and Dean says to John they should go investigate together, cover more ground, watch out for each other's backs. And John goes, "No, I can't, I need to go somewhere else; it's on you now, Dean." And he drives to Minnesota and takes Adam to watch games, because it's his birthday.

John bought Adam his first beer when he was 15 and taught him to drive in the Impala. That's the year 2005. And oh boy, don't we know enough about what 2005 was like for Sam and Dean. The year of "Dad's on a hunting trip and he hasn't been home in a few days". Guess what, his "hunting trip" includes driving all the way to Minnesota to buy Adam his first beer and teach him to drive in the Impala. John wouldn't be able to drive the Impala to Adam's 15th birthday now (because Dean's driving it to go find Sam in Stanford, on September 13, 2005), but he can still drive his truck to Minnesota on September 29, 2005. And you want to know what Sam/Dean is doing at that time? September 27, 2005, time of "Dead in the Water", Dean almost drowned saving a kid from a vengeful spirit in the lake. And he doesn't pick up his phone when Dean calls him, crying, needing his father's help.

Young journalist Cas doesn't know his first job assignment to an award gala is actually an erratic adult entertainment industry award gala (porn movie awards), and Dean wins the star of the year, and Cas needs to interview him.

Cas maybe come from a conservative religious family background and has some minor misunderstanding of the industry, but tries very hard to be just professional and ask questions as his job requires, but can't quite, because Dean notices he can get bashful very easily and keeps making gay porn jokes (because that's literally his job and he just got a reward for it) and flirt with him. But then Cas starts to understand Dean's motivation and decision on a deeper level underneath all the superficial charm.

Dean used to be a Homeland Security officer and married (to a man, Benny maybe?), but wasn't happy in the job and got into severe depression. always knows he has a high sexual drive, knows he can do really well in performing porn movies, but doesn't want to do it without his partner's approval, but his husband can't bear the idea that he's married to a porn star and divorced him. Dean had suicidal attempt but survived. and then "getting into the industry is the best decision I've made in my life", he starts with performing in a friend's private show and unsurprisingly is really good at it; then get connected with studios, have some more closed scenes, then more group scenes, then with bigger studio, then more visibility and fame, things get better after that, he's way more happier and he thinks he's living the life he wants.

(virgin Cas, mindset is still a little intimidated by the idea of a porn star's life, think S05E03 frightened angel Cas in brothel)

Cas realizes he's labeling Dean before even talking to him, just imagined him someone not knowing what he wants and stumbles into the industry without much choice and can't get out, pretty much the stereotypical tragic story of prostitute in most artistic movies, but realize Dean's none of any of that, Dean's actively taking what he wants, knowing what he wants, even if this life means he has to divorce his ex-husband, if he can't get supported for what he wants to do, then he considers it the right decision that they aren't meant for each other.

Unlike most stereotypical prostitute in artistic movie or novels where the girls usually have low self-esteem and very likely get abused, Dean has a healthy amount of self-esteem and self-respect, he can recognize the assholes in the industry when he's doing the job (and he understands it's nothing degrading for his job, it's a proper job), and has the power and ability to reject these assholes when he doesn't feel comfortable to perform with. (Some assholes come late for work, having the audacity to demand other stars to perform/fuck: "Aren't you all professionals?" Dean has the ability and right to choose who he wants to perform with and who he doesn't: "You, you, you, not you, you.") The ones he rejects are usually the ones who get pushy and kill the vibe. He also values his body enough to know he has a job to do, so he wouldn't hurt himself in the act more than he knows he can take or beyond what the pleasure takes.

Cas gets attracted by Dean talking and sharing his real life, realizing he's really a real and interesting person instead of just a mask or symbol or doll most people may tend to perceive when thinking about porn stars, realizing he's a little obsessed with his stories. as chaste and morally bound as his upbringing is, he secretly/guiltily (though he knows it's not something wrong or to be shameful about, but his upbringing has too deep of a brand to ignore or overcome just yet) watches Dean's films and starts feeling things. He gets aroused when watching Dean enjoying himself in all kinds of different settings, starts wondering what that might feel like, unreasonably starts feeling jealous and upset that Dean's sharing this side with these other performers but he's not a part of, but he's not sure if he really wants to be a part of this or is comfortable being in a setting like that. (asexual Cas) Cas knows sex is a big part of Dean's interest, passion, his career, and in general his life, but that's a part Cas isn't comfortable with and can't imagine changing and so can't imagine he can share a life with Dean. So Cas POV: repressed unrequited love, a lot of uncertainty and hesitation

Dean POV: getting intrigued by this young little journalist who's different from everyone he knows from previous like (not as masculine as anyone he worked with in Homeland Security or military) and different from everyone in the gay porn industry that he's most familiar with now (not as interested in sex or porn, even seems troubled most of the time). But Cas is nerdy in a way that Dean can very easily relate to, so they just start sharing other parts of the life that they're comfortable sharing with, watching movies, hanging out in bars, on street, getting out, pooling, arcade, movie nights at home, playing cards, cooking, reading, helping each other out when they need, just like what friends would do, but somehow getting more domestic feeling. until Dean realizes he's spending more time with Cas than anyone else outside work. and even if he knows he has strong sexual drive and lust and according to his own words, "He'd be a happy man if he can have sex all day every day and get paid for that", when he's with Cas, he's not actively thinking about sex but still feeling very relaxed and happy, and this surprises Dean so much. until eventually one day he realizes he's in love with Cas, but the two of them haven't even ever talked about sex (not counting work talks when Cas needs to interview him or when Dean just shares something happened in his work, which is rare, because he notices Cas isn't very happy to hear them, he thought it's because Cas isn't comfortable with sex topic, starts teasing a little and wonders if Cas is ace, gets a little discouraged thinking Cas might has bias against his job or the industry, but Cas has been so friendly to him in any other aspects and reassures him it's not that, so Dean's able to brush it off and not think too deep on that. He knows not a small amount of people look down on his job and role, and he has enough self-respect to know it's their problem, not his, but he'd get really hurt if Cas is one of them, but he doesn't see any proof that Cas doesn't respect him, and he knows Cas enough by now that Cas doesn't look at him differently because of his job, so he's comfortable interacting with Cas just normally friendly like friends do.)

Dean realizes he's in love with Cas but it's mostly romantic attraction without sexual impulse; it's the first time he realizes he can separate his sexual drive from his feelings and it surprises him so much. He starts wondering if it's because of the job that desensitizes him from feeling the real intimate feelings during sexual activities and it worries him. He starts doing not so well in his job or showing up less passionate, mostly doing it only because it's his job and he's good at it, but he can feel less fun and joy from doing it. Meanwhile Cas feels angsty about Dean continuing to do his job but he doesn't say anything because he doesn't think he has a right or place to say anything, just carrying on the repressed feelings and hanging out normally as Dean's friend.

Something happens that changes the dynamic, maybe it's Dean losing control during one of the filming and called Cas's name during orgasm and it's captured by camera and somehow Cas sees the footage (maybe like, it's not super obvious and the scene is hot enough the director lets it pass but warns Dean to be more conscious next time, Dean's really startled after realizing what he was just fantasizing during that scene and he's imagining the other party is Cas), and Cas gets startled watching the film (secretly) and fully notices it has to be his name Dean's sighing even if the filming crew and other actors pretend it's not, but he clocks Dean's immediate scared and worried and startled glance at the camera that he knows he's not hearing wrong. But maybe Cas as Cas, he would still not say anything, and Dean would continue to wish Cas didn't know it happened. But Dean might find out eventually that Cas has watched that footage, either accidentally finding the DVD in the house (if this is set in a slightly older time) or accidentally seeing the watch history on Cas's laptop, or Cas accidentally sharing screen and Dean saw it on the screen when they do video call or something. One way or another, Dean knows Cas has seen it, and Cas is being awkward about it (which makes Dean even more certain and angsty), but Cas never says anything about it (which is a huge torture for Dean).

(That "something happened" can be other different incidents, like something related to Dean's Homeland Security background and Cas gets involved and possibly in danger, something angsty, Dean has to get out of his way to stick his neck out for Cas, gets really worried about Cas, really caring a lot for him. both would start realizing they'd be willing to give/sacrifice more for each other than they normally would for anyone else, and start realizing for themselves and for the other that they're falling for each other.)

The tension keeps growing like that, until to the point Dean thinks he won't be able to live or keep working if he doesn't clarify this, he'd combust, so maybe one day with some really small friction, or not even friction, just in a super normal setting when they're just doing their normal thing together, like a movie night or something, very mundane time, Dean suddenly just starts asking if Cas feel uncomfortable about what he does for a living, and Cas isn't prepared for the conversation and gets caught off guard and stutters, but Dean pushes a little to get the truth, and Cas has to admit feelings, and then Dean confesses too. But they're still both very worried whether this contradiction would work between them or not (Dean still needs the job and would like to have sexual activities, and Cas still isn't comfortable with it). But they agree they can separate sex with love, Dean says something like "sex is just one way to show love, sometimes not even for love, just for fun and joy." There're so many other ways they can express and enjoy their love and feelings, like watching movies together. Cas's surprised, "You prefer just watching movies with me more than having sex with your coworkers?" and Dean's like, "Oh yeah, one hundred percent. For sure. Do you even have to ask? That's work, dude." (this dialogue is inspired by Wait)

So they get together, and they'll figure out their boundary and other things together later.

---

(The porn star interview and the majority of this story idea are inspired by the real interview of a porn star, and I was seriously surprised and caught off guard by his charm (and his films are actually really hot).)