On My Mind

I feel really really stuck in life. It’s like I’m watching all my friends move forward in their lives and I’m completely stuck. Health problems set me back but if I’m being honest with myself I wasn’t going anywhere before them. And now I just have no future plans, I feel like everyone around me doesn’t really need me and i just want to sleep for like 1 year. I just feel tired and anxious and stressed and deeply sad. And I’m trying to be gentle with myself because it doesn’t do any good to beat myself up. But it’s so hard to be gentle when you wholeheartedly believe the mean thoughts you are having. I just wish I was someone else doing something else and moving forward. And it just feels like with each setback they are getting harder and harder to bounce back from. I just feel like giving up would be a lot easier than this, but I know it’s not the right decision. I just want to be anything more than what I am now. I feel like I’m such a disappointment to any one whose known me. I had such great potential and I just got stuck somewhere along the line.

I’m not okay I’m not okay I’m not okay, how bad will I get before I think it’s too bad? Like I’ve just slowly been getting worse. But have I? Is it all in my head I don’t even know. I feel like no one legitimately cares about me. Like I’m here and I’m in their lives and that’s great but it’s not like they couldn’t live without me. And I’m really really trying hard to convince myself that it shouldn’t matter, that I should want to be better for me and then people will want to be around me more. But I can’t fucking breathe and my mind won’t stop racing and I just want to fucking die but I don’t want to kill my self. I just need it to fucking stop. I need to stop being so sad all the time. I need to stop putting so much energy into things. I need my brain to just shut the fuck up!!!!!!!!!!! Not good not good not good. What do I do what do I say idk. Maybe I don’t want help maybe I do. Maybe I don’t want to get better and maybe I can’t.

I feel like such a burden lately, like I just don’t want to be a bother to anyone by bringing up the fact that I’m not okay. And my friends won’t answer my texts for hours which is fine they’re out living their life but it just feels like confirmation for the fact that I’m annoying them or sort of a task they have to do. And I really don’t know how to get my mind to stop thinking like that. But I can’t reach out to them to ask because that just creates even more of a burden that they have to be attached to their phone to make sure that I know they’re not annoyed by my existence.

I think one of the trickiest parts of mental illness is the fact that your own brain is not a reliable source. Like I’m realizing this week that I genuinely have no idea what is real and what isn’t inside of my brain. “I want to die? But do I do? Do I really? Yes? But do I? Am i exaggerating” or “you shouldn’t rely on your friends for help so much you need to solve this yourself? Leaning on your friends is good for you it’s good to talk about things. No I’m a burden don’t tell them, no you’re just not that bad or you’d want to tell them, no you just want attention, no you should talk to them it will help, no it’s not that bad not worth worrying them for” and I’m going fucking insane trying to figure out what the truth is!! Like am I severely depressed?? Am I just anxious? Am I confused? Am I totally fine and this is just how people feel?? I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know.

I’ve been doing really really bad lately. Like I don’t wanna get out of bed, have no interest in doing things, constantly feel so anxious I could throw up, cry every day for no reason, hate everything in my life, feel numb and worthless and like I would rather be dead then keep going. And I have 1 friend that I’ve opened up to about things and I’m really really struggling with how much to bother her. She’s going through so much of her own shit that it just feels like a burden, like another thing that she has to deal with. Like on top of everything going on in her life she also has to deal with her stupid best friend that just can’t get it together. And I feel so so so bad every time I talk to her because she’s not a therapist, she’s not my personal dumping ground; she’s her own human who is dealing with things too. And I’m trying to be so supportive and make sure that she feels okay which I hope I’m doing but I just base so much of my self worth on her right now. And it’s just not healthy and it’s not fair for one person to be entirely responsible for my well being. I need to be able to deal with this on my own. So then I go too far the other way and I don’t say anything. I don’t reach out, I don’t talk about how bad I’m feeling, if she doesn’t ask I don’t bring it up. And it’s so so shitty and I can’t breathe and my thoughts are overwhelming. And I can’t even talk to her about how I’m feeling because I don’t want her to feel guilty about the fact that on the days she doesn’t ask me how I’m doing my entire brain and self worth crumble. Because it’s not her fault, it’s not her intention, it’s nothing she’s doing wrong it’s my own stupid confirmation bias. I’ve just never really had friends that were very good at checking in on my mental health because I’m really really bad at talking about it. And she was the first person who was really good at it. And on the days she doesn’t ask if I’m okay it makes me feel like I really am worth nothing because if no ones ever cared about me then it really is that I’m the problem and no one else. Like I really am just a burden. Which isn’t fair to put on her because she obviously is just having a rough day, so I don’t bring it up and I sit here and I sob and I don’t do anything and I hate myself and I think about how much easier life would be if I just was fucking dead. I’m just really not doing good right now, I don’t want to kill my self but I don’t want to be alive. And I’m trying to stop self harming for good and I’m going insane without that outlet. I just wanna be better, be different, be prettier, be kinder, be more understanding, be funnier, be smarter, be anything and anyone else but me. I know this is dramatic I really fucking do I just really feel so fucking dumb and so fucking worthless and such a burden on everyone.

I think I’m maybe done reaching out to people for a bit. It just feels like talking about it never helps and I end up feeling wayyyyy more anxious and depressed that I even had the audacity to be anxious and depressed when everything in my life is going fine. And I know my friends don’t care but everyone around me has so much shit going on their life it feels so dumb to be like ‘I’m depressed or I’m anxious’ when there’s nothing for me to feel that way over. It just feels like I’d rather suffer in silence than feel the anxiety that comes from opening up.

I don’t want to talk about how I’m doing when I’m not doing well. My friends try to be supportive and that’s nice but I don’t want to hear how it’ll all be okay or how I’ll get through it. I don’t want to hear that my anxieties are just being created by my brain and I’m overthinking. I don’t want to hear that me hating myself isn’t how other people think about me. I know. I know. I know. I know it’s my dumb brain and my dumb thoughts. I know that people have it worse and I literally have no fucking reason to be this way. Then I just get so mad at myself because in hate who I am. I hate it. I don’t want to be someone who just locks away how she’s feeling and is mad because no one can say the perfect thing. I don’t want to be mad at my friends for trying to help. I don’t want to be mad at my family for not understanding. I just struggle to find anything I like about myself and it feels really shitty and overwhelming sometimes.

I’m so depressed today.... like I don’t even have anything to say right now i don’t even know why I’m typing I think I just don’t have anyone to talk to. Well I have people to talk to but I don’t want to be a bother I just am finding not a ton of enjoyment in things and want to sleep all the time and have been thinking about death a lot. I don’t want to kill myself but I think it would be okay to die. I know that’s fucked up to say and I’m not going to do it I just feel so fucking sad and heavy and lonely. I don’t know. I just don’t know.