That Brooding Gay

I'm scribbling cuts over my thighs and you're drowning somewhere in that lake down south. The child of your head, wide eyed and sleepless. I'm breaking the knife into things only I recognize. Catch my headache in my hands. I let go of the rope. You sink farther than I can reach. There's new stars in the sky today. You don't see them until you're underneath. My spine softens but I bend just enough to tell your you're wrong. You thought I was floating. I kick the chair.

You're just as distracted as me. Put the TV on so we can drown in sound.

Are we still around?

Because I feel everywhere except the ground. You're never gonna understand it. I see the pages and pages you let off steam. You reconfigure your hopes and logic about me.

Am I profound?

Is it deep, or am I just sinking further into the background? Reeling back my fists, punching at the sun. Passive and active, watching-

Cereal bowls overfull so I can eat my trust. Choke on empty words because your throat is filled with dust And distaste for lukewarm and soggy patience, watching-

It has come to my attention that it's aromantic awareness week, and I have some thoughts...

As someone who personally identifies on the aro/ace spectrum, I'm demi/graysexual and demiromantic, and I am sex neutral/repulsed.

Graysexual/Grayromantic is the rare-occuring fluctuation in romantic or sexual attraction/desire. It typically only happens a small percentage of the time spent with people you could experience those feelings with, or under cery specifc circumstances. And the amount of that feeling you experience and the frequency is what changes. Typically it stays a low percentage, and in my case, half the time I experience this rare feeling, I am repulsed by it, or I am neutral about romantic/sexual activity. But not everyone is repulsed to certain degrees. Some people are completely favorable, but rarely experience that attraction, some are neutral and maybe experience non-repulsive romantic/sexual attraction, but I typically don't care for it, because I have no need or sense of desire for it. Yeah, sex and romance is cool- in theory- but have you ever done anything besides that with your best friend? Honestly, I'm satisfied with just getting to say I'm married to my best friend! (But not in the heternormative way where they say that because the guy makes her laugh sometimes:/)

Demiromantic/Demisexual means I only experience romantic/sexual attraction with people I have a deep, close bond with. This does NOT mean I will experience these attractions with anyone I am close with, it really depends on the person, and so far, it's only been 1 person EVER in my life.

We're married :] in the past, we considered ourselves platonic partners, dating as best friends yk? But there are many people who are platonic partners that don't even get married, nor do they experience romantic/sexual attraction to their platonic partners. It can also be true, though, that these feelings are present, but they stay platonic and do not act romantically/sexually with eachother. It can be complicated, or pretty straight with the terms. I'll add that this is also determined by the fact most of us have absolutely ZERO necessity for romance or sex, including my partner, who is (most likely) not aspec. Some people are repulsed by it, some are neutral, some are favorable, some enjoy it entirely, and even more complicated relationships with romance and sex exist. It is this key factor, that I have no need for romance or sex, that helped me realize that, yeah, I CAN enjoy these earthly pleasure on occasion, but I feel completely satisfied just getting to be married to my partner, who is my best friend in my world. Yes, there's also a handful of people who are not on the ace spectrum/under the umbrella that feel no necessity for these things, either, so they only engage because they can, or they don't whatsoever. But this is because sexuality and romance is also a spectrum and is fluid from moment to moment, between everyone, with little personal distinction besides your own experience. Again, no matter how you experience sexual or romantic feelings, if it's not straight forward like 'yeah I'd get romantic/sexual with anyone I'm attracted to' or even 'yeah the same thing, but if I knew them a little better' as we see so, so often in media, you could very well be on the ace spectrum.

That is, of course, not to say that people who experience attraction like that owe anyone anything. They may also experience fluctuations in who they experience those feelings with, but that doesn't mean they are, indefinitely, aspec.

It really just depends on if your experience/feelings correlate to the definition of anything under the umbrella asexuality/aromanticism, and if you want to identify that way.

So overall, we called ourselves platonic partners in the past, but we don't really call ourselves this anymore because we have objectively experienced and behaved romantically/sexually with eachother, but my labels as graysexual and demiromantic still apply, because the desire and sexual/romantic attraction only appears with this person I have an extremely close bond with, and it appears very rarely, and a fluctuating amount. I'm also repulsed by those feelings half the time I experience them because overall, I'm completely repulsed or generally neutral about being romantic/sexual, cus I don't need it. It doesn't do much for me regarding our relationship overall because our intimacy isn't rooted in romance/sexual attraction and behavior, so I might engage if I feel like that intimacy would be cool on some occasions, but we pretty much behave as best friends daily who say we love eachother and hold hands. We also kiss sometimes, but most often on the head/forehead, and other kisses are out of soft romantic fluff and endearment, not cus we need to kiss to feel satisfied with our partnership, nor as our only way to be affectionate.

[We're also autistic, as many queer (and specifically aspec) people are, which means our affection is shown through other, non-romantic love languages, like quality time, sharing info, and acts of service, etc. Not to say these things can't have romantic undertones for some people, they just don't for us:P]

These things are specific to us tho, many people who identify similarly to me, or even just like me, might not hold hands or kiss at all. It literally just depends on the person and what they like to do and what satisfies them in the relationship (all between 2 consenting parties, of course).

One of my friends is aroace and has a platonic partner, and they're not married and they aren't romantic/sexual whatsoever, but their relationship is much closer than with their other friends, because it's still partnership. The lack of romance or sex doesn't make their relationship any less valid, in my opinion, it makes it even more valid, because so many non aspec and amatonormative relationships all show the validity of their relationship through the fact they have sex and are romantic with their current partners, which is what differentiates that relationship from their platonic ones. People don't actually bother to get as emotionally intimate with their partners as good friends before they get into that stuff, mostly because for these people, it's a casual one, and it's unnecessary for a successful relationship. But that means that they define a relationship as being with the person you're willing to be romantic/sexual with. Whereas, people like us, who are partners with their best friends, have no need for romance/sex because we are wholly satisfied with getting to have a relationship with our favorite person in the whole world and experience life with them, and emotional intimacy as people.

(This is not to say there aren't other relationships that are between actual best friends that are less valid due to being sexual/romantic, I'm just being specific)

We're partners. Soulmates, even, but this is seen as invalid if you don't have sex/romance together because that is everyone else's determining factor for relationship validation. It's quite sad, and they're missing out on a lot of what a relationship truly entails due to the amatonormativity of the general population.

Also, to clear up any assumption, I have nothing against people in casual/serious romantic/sexual, heteronormative, or technically amatonormative relationships. The validation and acceptance of the people who experience these relationships make up a large majority of our population, so it's been incredibly normalized, as all kinds of consenting relationships should be, but they aren't. This is why we HAVE aspec awareness week, as well as awareness for so many other sexualities, romantic and gender orientation. Because our experiences are deemed as "less than" or "abnormal" because the narrative that all relationships should be straight, sex/romance positive, or if they're queer, at the very least they fuck, is heavily forced on people irl, and heavily implemented in media. I've always felt so dissatisfied with many popular queer ships/cannon relationships due to this factor. Because, as a Demiromantic and Autistic person (cus ya'll understand the correlation, I'm sure) I always feel the queer relationships I see portrayed in most queer positive media, is still incredibly sex and romance positive, which is okay from a general perspective, but it's because it tailgates the concept that the couple IS a queer one, but they are only cannon if they have sex/are romantic, and this is incredibly misinformative and sad to see as an aspec person with very little representation in media, even more so for my fellow aroace people. Again, there's no problem with these relationships in general, but the queer representation we have is limited to trans people being "accepted" because they date another person of the the opposite sex and so they're straight, they date a person who is trans how they are, so it's gay, then there's LOTS of gay men, with the same, cliché roles like top/bottom, big, aggresive guy and his twink, bisexual guys who dont actually like women and only end up with men, bisexual women who end up with other women AFTER being with a man, and then lesbians who are always sex/romance positive, because media fetishizes female/non-men sexual relationships because if they're gonna HaVe To SeE queer people on screen, they better at least be having sex or say they're romantically dating to be valid. It's honestly disturbing. Not to mention the amount of porn-brain rotted people that are homophobic/transphobic to us irl but lesbian and trans adult content is their favorite in private. These concepts all go back to men and the patriarchy, but this isn't my topic so I'll move on.

I feel a similar way about queer ships that aren't fully cannon that are really romantically/sexually tense all the time, because people only ship them due to their tension, they never once think about the fact that the two childhood friends or unlikely duo they're watching could love eachother in an incredibly intimate way, without being romantic, and have a lovely, platonic relationship. They dont think about it, even a lot of queer people who aren't aspec, because their relationships are ALSO socially, and in the media, validated because they are romantic or sexual with eachother. Not to mention the lack of aspec representation that we have because, even if the writer gets it, people aren't literate enough to see the undertones and intimacies of a platonic partnership, especially between two aspec people, because they always have to assume that there will be hate for those characters, or judgment, or the whole "you just haven't found the right one" take, because they cannot accept the lack of emotional intimacy in their friendships because they reserve it only for those they are willing to have sex with. That is what intimacy and love has been boiled down to in today's culture. You can't say you like someone without everyone assuming you're fucking, and if you're not, you must not be into them. Like, no, I actually love them more than any of you, but I wouldn't have sex with them because I don't need see them sexually, nor experience sexual attraction to them, and I dont need that to love who they are and want to be around them a lot, or feel understood by them. Like????

(TW childhood s*xual abuse)

8 or 9 in bathroom lines.

Sun coming down on the parking lot.

My father's waiting for me inside,

I think that I got lost.

Remember nothing that they've told me.

Nevermind these little talks.

I try to not look so distant, but in my head I feel so small

It wakes me every morning,

This sickness in my bones.

A thorn was made into my side where innocence was supposed to grow.

A shallow look through cold-faced mirrors.

A palm against my skin.

A question I will never have answered

"Should I have known better then?"

So dismissive for my age

Try so hard not to look "that way".

Harder and harder, every night, I'd pray,

for God to take away my pain.

Nothing ever came of God, or him, or me.

But something came of this disease.

I still wince at kisses and struggle to hold hands.

I still can't go alone in spaces everyone else can.

Often I look at my body and forget that it's mine.

I should've been protected, instead of contemplating the existence of a merciful God when I was 9.

I remember how empty and confused I was, waiting, helplessly.

Sometimes I remember more than I believe.