jstodd pt 2

ive been thinking about that addict! dick idea i had a while back, and there is something so gloriously devastating about jason giving himself 5 minutes a day, crying in the bathroom as quiet as he can when he's sure dick is asleep. the way his chest stutters and the puffs of air get caught on trembling lips, the times he's bitten his hand hard enough he can taste copper, doing whatever it takes to keep this quiet, keep this private, keep this away from dick -- and it's for nothing

dick has gotten through most of the withdrawal process, he's a wake and coherent, the cravings are quieter and he can focus on what's happening around him and he can HEAR what's happening around him, and jason goes into the bathroom every night, and comes out exactly 6 minutes and 22 seconds later. he knows jason tells himself over and over and over again, "you're okay, it's okay" as if that will somehow make it so.

and dick gets to sit there and wallow in his guilt and self pity cuz this is his fault, he came here, he knew jason would help him and wouldn't tell a soul.

he knows that jason lied to roy earlier today. that jason's bailing on roy and lian cuz there's no WAY jason would subject either of them to this-- to him.

so dick will lay here, staring at the ceiling, the numbing sound track of jason's muffled but echoing neverending soundtrack of "you're okay, it's okay" until he comes out bc it's what he's earned.

dick will make it up him, he swears he will. he'll get better and stay by jason's side until he's washed his sins away, and he'll stay long after that.

i just got really weirdly into the idea that in that universe where bruce kills the joker, that instead of a murder spree he just. . . retires.

like i think there would be something fascinating about the whole utrh arc happens almost exactly the same way -- meaning he is still under the extreme emotional pressure to make a decision and in some universe his response is do exactly what jason asks -- which is nothing. he backs down, turns away, hell maybe he even leaves the building entirely and waits for jason to come outside.

he doesn't know if this is a dream, a bad dream, a nightmare, or a really good nightmare where all his deepest desires come true. he's got his boy back, the monster's gone, and he's relieved of all this crippling guilt and responsibility.

i have to wonder if in this universe bruce just kind of lets it all go, in the sense that he will still want to help gotham day in and day out, but he's not batman anymore. the decision he just made, the NON-decision he just made is decidedly not baman and he's. . . he's not sure how he feels, all he knows is that he wants to take the suit off and go home.

but he waits for jason first. he wants to put eyes on him, touch him, make sure he's real because that decides if this is dream or not. if it's a dream, then he'll put the suit back on no questions asked, but if it's not. . . if there's a real possibility that his boy is here and waiting for him, he'll take it.

there were only ever 2 things bruce had desperately and fruitlessly hoped for and it was parents and his boy back, a chance for things to play out differently and this is it.

batman wouldn't ever accept it, would look that gift horse in the mouth and shatter it with his own two hands, but bruce can't and bruce won't -- so he'll stand outside and wait.

and there jason is, his eyes are green now, and he's gotten so tall, so wide -- that jaded look that was always in his eyes is much deeper now -- like it's carved itself into his bones . . .

but that's jason, that's his jason.

there is so much delicious metaphor to be found in that singular concept, and you'll have to pry it from damn teeth. regardless bruce with an actual dad bod, and an egregiously horny and wildly inappropriate hot wife is exactly where this is headed.

but there is something so so so so good about jason quite literally forcing bruce to soften up. there is something about bruce eating "cheat" and "guilty pleasure" foods made by someone that he feels such complicated feelings of guilt and enjoyment. there is something about a bruce who lets himself HAVE things he wants, and it changes him in ways he has spent years trying to avoid. there is something about jason subsuming care of bruce from alfred -- neither of which approve of how the other handles bruce.

now, could jason think this through all the way, sure. it would better coincide with both the fanon and canon interpretation of jason and alfred. but i think there's something more. . . interesting about jason subconsciously latching onto alfred because alfred access means security. he slips into alfred's life with care, and all the innocence and simplicity of a child.

he knows not to bite the hand that feeds him, and he needs the owner of that hand to be as giving and gentle as possible -- so Jason endears himself to alfred. he spends time with him learning how to do the things alfred provides him with because jason is anything it's smart and a survivor and one day alfred won't be there.

it's may be harder to learn how to fish, but there's a dignity to it than being handed a fish could ever provide.

either way, we know how the story ends, and how it starts again, except the almost impossible shock when they try and hang alfred over jason's head and he still refuses contact. still won't waltz into the manor as if any of them are important enough to risk his safety.

he learned long ago how to take care of himself, and jason knows alfred's love is entirely conditional on bruce, and jason's certainly not holding his breath for him to come around.

There is someone following him.

Normally, that particular alarm would set him off in ways that leads to things getting loud, messy, or both. This time it doesn’t cause any of that because the person following him is just a kid. And with the life he leads he knows underestimating children is stupid, they can be just as dangerous if not more dangerous than any other adult; he knows from experience; being that he was one of those children.

The point is he knows there’s a small pup following him, and more importantly, he very on purpose, does not know this specific pup’s name. He has taken to calling him everything from munchkin, to nugget, to variations of little monster, but he doesn’t know his name, for the simple reason that Jason knows on an intrinsic bone deep level that he will be so far beyond fucked if he ever find’s out the kid’s name.

Regardless, there is a kid following him, and he’s the Red Hood, a promised safe adult for the pups of the alley before he’s some heart sick wanna be omega with a maternal instinct a mile goddamn long for this—

He’s getting away from himself.

There is a kid following him, a kid that he keeps bringing back to the little shelters he sets up for the abandoned and orphaned, a kid — that for some god forsaken reason — refuses to stay put.

A kid that refuses to not only stay put, but refuses to stay away from him.

So he slows down just enough to let the little gremlin have an easier time following him without giving it away that he knows he’s there, and leads him right to the front door of a building marked with a red bat. Nugget looks up at him without an ounce of shame. In fact, he is practically sparkling with how much pride is encased in those big brown eyes, round and rosy cheeks turning a shade darker as his plump little face squeezes out every dose of joy he feels for “sneaking up” on the red Hood.

(Jason’s willing to admit that proud little snaggle tooth smile is the best part of his night.)

Jason sighs, the voice modulator turning it to pure static, “I brought you here 2 hours ago kid, what are you doing out here?”

‘Following you, ain’t I do good!”

Jason has two options here: crush the munchkin’s hopes and dreams, like an absolute fucking monster, or say he did well and pretend he isn’t completely and utterly terrified someone isn’t gonna snatch the kid up while he isn’t paying attention.

im just picturing them going out somewhere, a bar, and they introduce themselves to other people as brothers, and YES they are seen making out by those exact people who just learned they're siblings. is it a narcissistic thing, is a control thing, is it fucked up little game they like to play with strangers. is it that it scratches the itch that comes with knowing that you have ownership over this person in a way that is truly untouchable to an outsider.

jason's a virgin until he finds his person

jason has a high sex drive

mind you, this guy has been my beta in every fandom except for this one yet, i love him to pieces

NOW....

jason eating anything is BORING, how about jason essentially having to choke down food on missions that he needs for the calories and nutrients, but it feels too much like when he was kid, desperate for anything to sate the hunger. it makes his stomach roll, and his tongue feels to heavy for his mouth, but he needs it -- so he eats it.

and when he gets home, he wastes no time finding his way to the high end grocery store and carefully picking out exactly what is going to go into his house, his fridge, into his mouth, and settle pleasantly in his stomach. the shopping takes a majority of his morning, bleeding into the afternoon, but this is relaxing, the meticulous nature of it is comforting.

and when he gets home, he spends the rest of the day cooking, it's a several course meal for one and jason focuses on nothing but the food in front of him. how appealing it looks plated so pretty, colors and scents mixing in a way that he never thought he would comfortably have -- and all because of him.

his money.

his cooking.

his skills.

his own two hands.

im so mentally ill about him, and you know who else is mentally ill about him? bruce

idc idc idc, im standing by my assessment that brujay would absolutely fix them (and fuck up everyone else's dynamics) but i stand by that.......

if jason got shoved into a lazarus pit mid scuffle and everyone is geared up for this "pit madness," cuz he absolutely just drowned the guy that knocked him in there, and he is 100% cursing up a storm and when that's all that's happening dick tosses out a tentative, "jason. . ."

only for jason to snap his neck in his direction, teeth bared like a goddamn dog, and barks, "the FUCK do you want, my fuckin socks are wet"

he hadn't taken a breath that wasn't heaving, and he is doing his absolute best not to start flapping his arms and cry but his clothes are sticking to him, he's skin's soaked and somehow dry, everyone is staring at him

and his fucking socks are wet

jason is already stomping out towards the plane cuz they got what they came for, and he's about to use his teeth to peel layers of his skin off and if they keep staring at him like he's a freak of nature he's going to act like one