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*Lazard opens the office door for Tseng with toddler Cloud perched on one hip, clutching his cravat and chewing it like a teether*

Lazard: May I help you?

*Behind him, toddler Genesis is aggressively painting on the wall in red marker, writing "DEATH >:)" while toddler Angeal is trying to wrestle chalk from Zack who is trying to eat it. Toddler Sephiroth is sitting silently on the floor drawing peacefully*

Tseng: I received a report of a massive materia malfunction at SOLDIER. I came to assess the damage. Why didn't you hand them over to R&D? Or, I don't know—your secretaries?

*Zack pelts a clipboard at the ceiling and yells "FIRAGA!" Genesis eats a crayon. Angeal cries. Sephiroth calmly draws. Cloud bites Lazard's shoulder*

Lazard: Because unlike some people, I know exactly what happens when a child grows up with a negligent father and too many locked doors. These boys need affection. Stability. Meaningful structure.

*Genesis starts chanting Loveless from atop Lazard's desk like it's a stage. Angeal tries to clean the marker off the wall with hand sanitizer. Cloud throws up. Sephiroth is still drawing*

Tseng: So your solution… was to raise five toddlers by yourself during business hours?

Lazard: Yes. I'm teaching them compassion, boundaries, and proper emotional regulation.

*Sephiroth holds up a disturbingly accurate drawing of Hojo being devoured by a Zolom*

Toddler Sephiroth: :)

Lazard: Ohhh! Very good, sweetie!

*Zack bursts through the door, dragging a very tired Angeal by the arm like a panicked golden retriever hauling a refrigerator*

Angeal: What? What now?

*Zack points to Sephiroth, dead asleep on the couch*

Zack: There was an accident with materia! I might've cast Sleep and now he won't wake up. The only solution is true love's kiss. So I brought you.

Angeal: You think I'm his true love? Then what's with the twenty lipstick marks on his face?

*Zack subtly shoves a lipstick tube into his pocket*

Zack: Science doesn't have answers for everything, Angeal.

Angeal:

Zack: JUST KISS HIM

*Angeal sighs and gingerly walks over to Sephiroth, who looks disturbingly serene*

Zack: Aww. Look at you two. The tension. The pining. The years of unresolved eye contact—

*Angeal slaps Sephiroth hard*

Angeal: Wake up, dickhead.

Sephiroth, awake: >:(

Sliver of Respite

They are small and fit in the palm of my hand. Because of their size, I’m missing some details like the bandage on Cid’s face, his coat patches, Vincent’s gun, etc.

They also have squeakers!

Angeal: It’s important to me that you stay healthy, Director.

Angeal: Aside from all the sentimental reasonings,

Angeal: I refuse to be put in a situation where I’m forced into being in charge of these hellions in any manner that could be construed as permanent. I will shower you in Phoenix Down to near immortality before we get to that point.

Angeal: So eat up! :)

Lazard: Oh, Angeal, don't be ridiculous. I'm as healthy as a chocobo. Besides, if anything were to happen to me, Heidegger is next in line to take over.

Angeal: Oh! Of course! Silly me, I'm going about this all wrong. Haha.

(10 minutes later)

*Angeal kicks open Heidegger's office door, shotgun in hand*

I found this stunner on my camera roll and now I wonder - if someone was making bootleg SOLDIER merch would the Firsts know? Would they care?

Would Shinra try to put a stop to it?

Would Zack absolutely purchase the most cursed version of each of them he could find?

Shinra would release a statement condemning it, then quietly sell their own official line at triple the price. The bootlegs still sell better. The guys would know, not all of them would care. Sephiroth wouldn't care until someone gifts him one. Then he silently places it in a drawer. The drawer is later found burning. Genesis would file a cease-and-desist. Not for legality, but because his figurine's receding hairline is an insult. Angeal's only comment is "People spend gil on this instead of groceries?" And Zack actively supports the economy by buying them. Not ironically. He thinks they're amazing. His favorites are:

The Sephiroth figurine with no eyebrows. Comes with a katana that's just a toothpick and a cape made of suspiciously shiny trash bag material. Hair is green. No one knows why. His nipples, for some reason, are rock hard.

The Genesis figurine where he's missing his coat, but his skin is red and he's holding two books. One is spelled "LOVLEES." His face looks like Sephiroth's, suggesting they didn't bother to make Genesis figurines but repurposed the Sephiroth ones.

The Angeal figurine that comes with three Busters Swords. None of them fit in his hand. His expression is painted upside down.