i wanna fucking kill myself all the fucking time

i hate being misunderstood. i hate when people dont get it. i feel like my entire life has been an effort to learn how to communicate only to be told repeatedly that nothing i say or do matters. it contributes to this overwhelming feeling of helplessness that i just cant handle. i dont know what im supposed to do except try my best and expect disappointment from every corner. every time i try to contribute to a conversation theres this feeling that im bothering people or that what im saying has no real relevance. i decided to get a degree in language because i wanted to communicate better and i didnt want anyone to have a reason to doubt my abilities but that just never mattered. if someone doesnt want to understand you, they wont. and you cant get mad. if you get mad youre unreasonable and stupid and a bad person.

shes become increasingly loving towards me and i cant tell if its just her being herself or if im actually a repressed incel psychopath. id never ever hurt anyone other than myself and if i were a real danger to others i wouldnt be around them but i also feel like im not allowed to talk about how distressing this all is. i want her to love me. maybe i should do what i should always do and stop talkign to her completely. over time she'll forget me like everyone else but at least she'll avoid being around me. rigth now its fine. great even. but i feel like i am destroying myself because i havent gotten what i wanted, which is a relationship. i am not entitled to anyones time but at this point im just constantly grieving what could have been. i am a loser. i will never be loved and i cant even be bummed out about it.

i only really use this when im REALLY not okay or i cant talk to anyone and rn im just not ok. i feel like im gonna snap

had an extremely ugly panic attack in public yestrday that im still recovering from which is a real shame. i havent had a panic attack properly in a month or so. i took a xan which completely knocked me out all day. my mental health is getting worse and its very frustrating because ive been doing this FOREVER. almost 20 years of treatment just to stay alive.

i had never been in a bpd relationship before but i was finally someones fp and....i hate it. i fucking hate it. is this what im like? am i obnoxious and irritating? am i constantly monitoring people? i felt stifled so i broke up with her and i just wish she'd leave me the fuck alone. i dont even really care about her, i just want her to leave me alone. it makes me an absolutely evil person but seeing negative traits in others makes me think about my behavior a lot more than before.