G steht für Gönnjamin

Getting down on my knees and thanking the humans who invented dishwashers and washing machines.

picking the torture option and the next day the first thing he does right off the bat is make me eat a really big live spider

the worst thing about those fancy pears is that you think “there’s no way a pear could be worth that much” but if you actually make the mistake of tasting one you will be forced to confront the fact that what you thought was pleasure is but a shadow of a shadow and there is a world out there more real than real that your senses have been waiting for, where the colors are richer and the water is wetter and sleep is refreshing. and you’re not invited.

got fired from being the entertainer at a bachelor party for twisting the groom-to-be's dick into a poodle shape

men will say “princess treatment ❤️” and then it’s just how i normally treat the cashier at the store

lemon is so so so fucking good in sweet food and savory food and spicy food and salty food and drinks. she has it all

Lancelot: Egad sire! Look at that. King Arthur: Hm, rare to see a VW Beetle this far north. Not impossible, mind.