Wait so I'm still processing, so Jax is trans? Confirmed? Cuz I'm crying rn. Happy pride. I'm not joking I cried so much when Ribbit put the bow on Jax. I hate this so muchhhhhhhh like, why can't the LGBTQIA+ community ever be happy in peace 😭🏳️⚧️🏳️🌈
Internalized homophobia/transphobia is real dude, and I hate that. It's the worst, having to hide, and if not, it being normal to be hated in, discriminated, ridiculed, whatever the f, to the point of even your life being put at risk JUST for BEING.
I'm going through a point in my life where I'm trying to finally better accept myself, I've always known that I like girls, literally my first crush was a friend who was a girl, I hid it. Then I figured out another part of myself at 10, I loved that there was a label for it that I wasn't alone, I hid it. Then at 12 I rediscovered it and finally accepted it and loved that part of myself ♠️. Then at 13, I finally came to terms with the fact that I liked girls, still told myself that I preferred guys tho. Then at 14 I started to experiment with my pronouns, found an amazing community of people who used affirming pronouns on me, I love them. I still hid it. I went through the hardest peach if my life, I wanted nothing more than to stop feeling what I was feeling, I just wanted everything to stop. It almost did, but something stopped me. At 15.
Then I denied everything I felt about my gender, I'm still struggling with it till this day, I don't even like the concept of gender, I don't like it on me or care about it when it comes to the people I might be romantically interested in. It's too much.
At 17, I moved out, went away for university. I didn't even get to attend my graduation ceremony. At 18, I finally stopped hiding it, I didn't care who found out. I like women, I don't know about men, at least I know that I don't like most "men", there is very few men, friends, who I consider close.
I settled on They/She, for now. It's what makes me comfortable. 'They" because it feels right, "She" because it is what "looks" right, what "suits" what I look like. It doesn't bother me anymore, if someone calls me a girl or whatever, it's not correct to who I AM, but it's ok, because I still dress and look like I do and I don't expect anyone to automatically know, because I don't dress or intend to dress in an "androgynous" manner.
I hated dresses, skirts, anything that made me look "girly", I loved dresses and skirts, but not on me.
I started wearing shorts and tighter fitting clothing, cropped shirts, not because I felt more like a girl, but because I am starting to feel more comfortable in myself. I still wish I had a completely flat chest, and that I didn't have the parts that made me a "woman", but that's all.
I want to allow myself to be. To exist and be free. To breathe.
I don't want to be scared. But every time that I see my family, hear the things they say about people like me, I get scared all over again, I hide again. With friends, I don't hide, not all of me at least, still, there are things they don't know about me, but I don't have to fear for my life.
When I see my father, my brother, any family member. Even my mother. I get scared, I put on a fake face, I don't pretend to be someone I'm not, I just don't say who I AM.
I know that I'll never be able to say it. Not without risking my life. I think I'm ok with that now. Because I don't owe them anything, I almost didn't make it. They weren't the ones who saved me. The people I chose did.
Anywayssss all this to say that I cried at the finale and to say that you should check up on your trans friends, even if they push. Even if they yell. Because we learn to hide away, we learn to push the things we love away. We push and hide, sometimes we even abstract away, and there's no going back from that. We just go away.
