#deaf representation

Hearing Aids:

[Plain Text: Hearing Aids]

There are many different types of hearing aids. Which type someone uses will depend on their hearing curve, the features they want, and the type of hearing loss.

1. Receiver in Canal.

Receiver in Canal (RIC) hearing aids are the newest type, and currently the most commonly prescribed. They have a small behind-the-ear component with directional microphones and processors, and are connected by a thin clear wire to an in-ear speaker, which is covered by a piece called the dome.

RIC are most commonly prescribed for: mild to moderate hearing loss (although they can be useful for some people with severe hearing loss), high-frequency hearing loss, noise-induced hearing loss, tinnitus, and auditory processing disorder. RIC are also available over the counter.

Benefits: small and discrete, fairly powerful, best integrated noise filtering systems, highest mapping customizability.

Drawbacks: sizing is not infinitely customizable, not good for more severe deafness, usually don't come in fun colors, difficult to use with low dexterity.

There are several different dome types, as I mentioned. Domes are soft silicone or plastic pieces fitted in diameter to the ear canal, but come in a few different shapes depending on the type of hearing loss. I'll talk about the most common ones, but there are a few other rarer custom types.

Open/Vented domes have slits cut in the silicone. They are the weakest at keeping sound trapped, but have the lowest occlusion effect (hearing your own voice loudly). They are good for mild to moderate hearing loss, but they can cause a lot of feedback, especially at higher frequencies, so they're most useful for high-frequency hearing losses. The amount of vents in the dome can be adjusted to reduce leakage.

Closed domes do not have slits or have very few slits. They keep more sound trapped, but have higher occlusion. They are good for moderate broad-spectrum and low-frequency hearing loss, since they allow less high-frequency noise to escape.

Power domes have no slits and often have multiple layers for maximum amplification. They have the highest occlusion effect, although people using power domes typically have hearing loss in the range of 60-80 dB, so occlusion is often necessary to hear one's own voice. Power domes can make the ear pressure feel unbalanced since there are no vents.

2. In the Ear / Completely in Canal.

In the Ear (ITE) and Completely in Canal (CIC) hearing aids are a less popular, but available, type. They feature a solid combined processor and speaker that sits in the ear canal. There is usually a small wire or clear plastic loop that fits along the curve of the outer ear both to keep it in place and to pull it out.

ITE/CIC are most commonly prescribed for: mild-moderate hearing loss when RIC is not preferred or available.

Benefits: no behind the ear component can be more comfortable, microphones in the ear have highest directionality, subtle.

Drawbacks: fewer features available, higher occlusion effect, can fall out more easily.

(There are some ITEs that have a behind-the-ear component for volume/power control and structural support, but the processor, microphones, and speakers are all in the canal piece.)

3. Behind the Ear.

Behind the Ear (BTE) are the most powerful type of hearing aid. The microphones, speaker, and processor are all present in the behind-ear component, which is larger than other types of hearing aids. This component is connected by a replaceable plastic tube to a mold, which is custom-fit to the user's ear and allows for maximum sound retention/amplification. Like domes, there are several types of molds.

BTE are most commonly prescribed for: severe to profound hearing loss, moderate or higher low-frequency hearing loss, children.

Benefits: sizing is fully customized, easy to use with lower dexterity, good for athletics (less likely to fall out), highest aesthetic customization, most powerful amplification.

Drawbacks: larger size, high occlusion, higher risk of ear infections, molds must be replaced as ear shape changes, tubes must be replaced regularly.

There are lots of different mold types. An ear mold is custom fit by creating a cast of the user's canal and ear shell. More or less of the "shell" of the ear can be covered by the mold. All molds have a vent hole to allow moisture to escape, but some molds have more holes cut into them to allow airflow or reduce occlusion. Some molds are hollow, while others are solid. (Molds can also come in lots of fun colors, including marbled or glittery, although insurance won't always cover these.)

There are too many types of molds and considerations to really get into exact types here, but if you look up behind the ear hearing aids there are tons of references online. [One type of mold I've seen a lot in real life but that I can't find the name of online are sort of square-shaped solid (often colored) plastic with lots of holes in them. They remind me of a waffle.] In general, the more severe the hearing loss, the less "air space" there's going to be in the mold.

4. Bone Conduction.

Bone Conduction hearing aids (BCHA) are probably the closest-looking in real life to those headphone ones, although many of the over-the-counter devices calling themselves BCHAs that look like headphones are in fact just bone conduction headphones. Prescribed BCHAs are often two individual rectangular devices, attached via stickers or a headband. There are a few that go behind the ear, although no component of the aid is in the canal.

BCHAs are bone conduction rather than air conduction, which means they get the sound to the cochlea by vibrating the skull bones rather than sending sound through the middle ear. BCHAs are often temporary aids (see BAHA in the CI section of this post).

BCHA are most commonly prescribed for: severe conductive or mixed hearing loss, microtia/atresia, and young children.

Benefits: more powerful and safer long-term for conductive hearing loss, typically no in-ear or over-ear component.

Drawbacks: require an external component (stickers or headband) to stay attached.

5. Airpods / Actually just headphones

Did you know, Airpods were recently approved by the FDA as over-the-counter hearing devices? The noise filtering technology makes smart wireless headphones a possible alternative for mild hearing loss, auditory processing disorder, tinnitus, or anyone who can't get prescription hearing aids. These are not a long-term solution, nor are they used by audiologists, but for people who just need a bit of a boost, having their headphones in all the time might be their way of navigating the world.

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All hearing aid types have their benefits and drawbacks, and no aid will ever be perfect for someone. Even the best hearing aids available can't make someone become Hearing. Some people who are severely to profoundly deaf report hearing aids giving them around 60-80% of what a hearing person can hear, and this number improves with decreasing severity of hearing loss. Still, nearly all d/Deaf/hoh people struggle to some degree with auditory processing. They may use hearing aids to give them general awareness of background noise (eg fire alarms), or for a boost while lip-reading, even if they don't help in understanding noise more generally. Hearing aids can also die or malfunction, removing the benefits they provide.

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Cochlear Implants:

[Plain Text: Cochlear Implants]

Cochlear Implants, or CI, are surgically implanted devices that stimulate the cochlea.

More on CI in one second, because I promised a return to BAHAs, which are a type of surgically implanted hearing aids. They get to go in this section because they are implants.

BAHA stands for bone anchored hearing aid (as opposed to BCHA, which stands for bone conduction). BAHA are the long-term alternative to BCHAs. A titanium plate is anchored to the skull, and an external hearing aid component attaches to the plate and vibrates it.

BAHA are most commonly prescribed for: severe to profound conductive hearing loss, microtia/atresia. (One of the major use cases for BAHA is Treacher-Collins Syndrome, which often causes bilateral microtia. Since the hearing loss is purely conductive, and traditional hearing aids do not typically fit people with microtia even without atresia, BCHA/BAHA are the best aids.)

Back to CIs. Unlike BAHAs, cochlear implants are implanted into the cochlea to directly stimulate the auditory nerve. They bypass the outer, middle, and inner ear systems, so they are useful for any type of hearing loss.

In order to qualify for a CI, one needs profound hearing loss across all or most frequencies, and the presence of both the cochlea and the auditory nerve (CI won't work without those structures). Someone can qualify for a CI in one ear but not the other; even if someone is qualified to receive implants in both ears, they're expensive and the surgery has risks, so many bilaterally deaf people have only one implant.

In the United States, CIs are approved starting at 9 months old, but not any younger. (This is a problem for auditory development--although CI are often billed as a "cure" or "complete treatment" to deafness, the reality is that even bilateral CI users who received speech and auditory therapy from the moment their devices were programmed still lag behind hearing peers in auditory development, because they are deaf. But that's part of a larger conversation regarding deaf development and audism.)

CIs have a small disc that magnetically attaches to the skull near the implant site. That disc transmits the sound through the bone, which is then transmitted to the auditory nerve. Usually, the disc is connected to a wire, which runs to a behind-the-ear processor piece. CIs have a couple different types, just like hearing aids. I'll run through them pretty quickly.

1. "Button" CI.

These are fairly new. They only have the magnetic disc; all the processors and microphones are inside it. They're less visible, but less powerful.

2. Behind the ear microphone.

The BTE component contains the microphones and processors. There is a hook to keep it in place on the ear, but no part of the CI goes into the ear canal. These have similar directional power to BTE hearing aids.

3. In-ear microphone.

The processors are on a behind-the-ear component, but they receive signal from a microphone positioned at the opening of the ear canal. These give the best directional sound filtering, since they receive the auditory input from the same place as a hearing person, often with the benefits of the shape of the outer ear.

4. Mixed type CI + hearing aid.

These are also very new! Previous CI techniques, and many surgeons today, destroy residual hearing, so when the CI processor is disconnected, the user receives no auditory input, even if they had some before getting a CI. However, some new techniques can preserve residual hearing, and the cochlear implant can be combined with a hearing aid. This device looks like a BTE hearing aid with either a mold or power dome, but also connected by a wire to the magnetic disc of a CI.

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What type of CI a person has depends on the technology when they were implanted, what sound quality they want, or what they can afford.

The sound from CIs don't match how hearing people hear things. CI have way fewer neural connections than the cochlea has. Bilateral CI is often more effective for oralism than unilateral, but even then, CIs do not replicate natural hearing.

A CI can be implanted at any age, although it's most "effective" in infancy or adults with new-onset hearing loss, rather than people who have grown up d/Deaf. Getting a CI in adulthood is a very personal choice and can have a lot of meaning for a Deaf person.

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Gene Therapy:

[Plain Text: Gene Therapy]

This post has gone on long enough, and this isn't a hearing assistive device, but it is something to consider in a sci-fi or post-modern setting, and something we (the Deaf community) have to deal with right now.

There are currently new therapies (around 3 years in trial) that target OTOF mutations that cause severe to profound congenital deafness. OTOF mutations cause the loss of a protein that turns cilia movement in the cochlea into neural signals. The gene therapy introduces the gene that codes for this protein into the inner ear.

A small study on around 20 children, teens, and young adults with profound hearing loss (>100 dB) saw hearing curves change to 56 dB +/- 30 dB. I couldn't get the raw data because I couldn't access the study, but that means the average participant is still moderately hard of hearing and still needs hearing aids and accommodations. Depending on the metrics for calculating that error, there was likely at least one participant who remained severely to profoundly deaf after the gene therapy, and no participants became medically hearing.

We still have no data on if this gene therapy lasts forever or what kind of side effects it has. It also only works for a specific class of OTOF mutations, which account for many cases of congenital genetic deafness, but not all. Every single study on the gene therapy is produced by one company. This technology has not yet been peer-reviewed or tested for long enough. Nevertheless, hearing people are treating this as a cure, that the Deaf community doesn't want.

If a deaf person wants access to a technology like this, that is again their choice. Forcing this onto infants and children without autonomy or the ability to make an informed decision is horrible. The push to "cure" deafness goes hand-in-hand with the destruction of Deaf culture. It is eugenics. If you're going to include gene therapy or some other magical "fix" to deafness in your story, think about that.

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Keep writing, and keep sending in your questions!

He was your biggest support when you wanted to pursue your degree. Playing games had always been a big part of you so it wasn’t like he was surprised when you told them about it. Where you had your doubts because you started to believe what people told you, your father was the one to encourage you to follow your dreams anyway. ‘People will have their opinions regardless,’ he had told you. ‘Might as well do what you love while you’re at it.’ 

So there you were, in your final year of Game Design. Every assignment that you’d completed throughout the previous years suddenly brought you one step closer to your diploma and the thought of graduating was both terrifying and exhilarating. You could barely contain yourself when you thought about working in the industry and you knew demands were high, but you couldn’t help yourself. 

There were certain… obstacles that you had to face first. You had to complete a project before you could even think about going to work. At the very least it was fun. It had to be since you’d been studying this for three years. Something was very wrong with you if you thought otherwise.  

The lights of the room flickered and you looked behind you. One of your groupmates and your best friend, Ren, waved at you and closed the door behind them. They sat down across from you and blew their deeply red cheeks, making you chuckle. The redness nearly covered their freckles. 

“Tired?” You signed.

“I didn’t want to wait on the elevator so I walked three sets of stairs,” Ren replied, their hands waving in smooth motions. “Big mistake.”

You pressed your lips together. 

“Don’t laugh.”

You shook your head, but they didn’t buy it. Their shoe brushed your pants lightly and you flashed a grin at them. 

The lights flickered again and your other groupmates and friends arrived, their faces clear of any effort when you looked at them. You didn’t need to see Ren to guess the look on their face and shot Wonwoo and Eunae a grin. 

“You took the elevator?” You asked them, to which Eunae grinned back at you.

“Safe and sound,” she signed back. Her hands moved slower than Ren’s, but she was putting in the effort and she learned every day. 

With them sitting down, your group was complete and the meeting started. 

Just a week ago, you’d started your senior year and were plunged into the deep end with the biggest project of your entire degree. To show your professors that you were worthy of your diploma, you had to showcase your ability to design a game and take them through the process. You were divided in groups of four to six people so you had a small team to rely on for questions and to hold you accountable for your process. 

Obviously you and your friends teamed up for this.

Because you had only one school year they didn’t expect you to make a full running game, but a fraction of it was mandatory. They framed it as being valuable for a portfolio, but it was really just another standard to judge you by. 

Next to that, they taught some extra classes. Every student was required to follow three in extension to the project, each in a field that you were either interested in or that you wanted to learn more about. A lot of your peers had already chosen a branch within Game Design to specialise in and wanted to take subjects that corresponded with their desired field, but you were still exploring your interests. 

Your subjects ranged from visual storytelling to programming and maths. You regretted the last one, but at least Ren, the true math nerd, was with you. There was also the option to follow an additional subject and you did that, choosing game UX design. Eunae followed an extra one as well, but she picked something else. 

Ren was at the helm of the meeting while everyone was in the same sample report that your professor provided. It was so overwhelming, you got the feeling you hadn’t learned anything at all in the last three years. 

“Where the fuck do I start?” Eunae pushed her brows together. “I don’t even know what I want to do.”

“Maybe there,” you replied. “We can walk through all of this and then we can discuss our ideas and help each other along the way?”

Ren winked at you, as if they meant to say ‘you got it’. They turned their attention back to the document and you scrolled through it collectively, stopping at points that were unclear. Some of it would make sense when you were in the middle of it so you left that alone to pick it up further down the road. 

Eunae kicked the brainstorm off by declaring she had no idea what to do. She’d played a variety of games throughout her life and never picked a real favourite. She enjoyed everything, even the games that she didn’t like. You helped her pick by telling her to pick the games she remembered the best and treasured the most and see if they had something in common. She could work with that. 

Wonwoo had his mind set on an RPG game, but wasn’t sure what his genre or story would be. It would either be an open world or an action based game. He looked at games like Fire Emblem, The Witcher and Cyberpunk 2077 for inspiration, but hadn’t come up with anything specific. He would look at various genres that he liked, pick his favourite and come up with a first draft. 

Ren wanted to make an educational game, combining their neverending curiosity with a passion for gaming. Everything they’d done always boiled down to people learning new things in a fun and unique way. You helped them pick a demographic so they could focus on the type of education they had to look into. 

You wanted a game heavily reliant on storyline and choices, looking at Until Dawn and Detroit: Become Human as prime examples of how to do it right. When you carefully introduced the idea of working your own experiences into it, none of them missed a beat to encourage you and you had the basics of your idea nailed down. 

The rest of the time you’d booked the meeting room you spent on your own things. You chose to make a plan for the upcoming school year and saw that Eunae moved on to programming, bobbing along to her music. Her aids were covered by her headphones. 

Eunae dabbled between two worlds and felt a stranger in both. She was too hearing for the deaf community and too deaf for hearing people. Unlike you, she was the only one in her family and often struggled to keep up. Growing up, she never learnt sign language like you did because she had her hearing aids. It was only since you met that she started learning and it helped her incredibly to express herself when she was sick of her hearing aids. 

Surprisingly, that was more often since the summer. Eunae had shown up without them on multiple occasions, letting herself rely on sign and body language only. She grew much more confident in signing and told you at the start of the year that she stopped wearing them when she was home alone. It warmed your heart to hear that and you were proud of her for taking the first step to accommodate herself. 

You looked at the time and closed your laptop, tapping Eunae’s hand. 

She eyed you curiously. 

“Programming starts in half an hour and I want to get a sandwich at the supermarket, want to join?” 

“I’ll finish my paragraph real quick,” she signed back and turned back to her laptop. 

You nodded and started packing, shoving your laptop in the space that was just a tiny bit too small for it. Sliding in your jacket, you waited for Eunae to grab her stuff. 

From the corner of your eye, Wonwoo waved and you turned your head. 

He held a notepad up and you let your eyes scan it. 

‘I’ll see you in visual later (I don’t know how to say it in sign ): )’. 

When you looked at him, he pouted. A chuckle rumbled in your throat. 

You pointed at every word and made the sign, doing them altogether and watching him repeat after you. Your lips curved into a wide smile as the warmth spread through your chest. Just like Eunae, Wonwoo learned something new every day. 

As you left the room, you waved at him and Ren. You trapped yourself in there since nine that morning so you breathed in the fresh air like it was your first ever time outside, closing your eyes for a second. 

Something solid lightly tapped your ankle and your eyes fluttered back open, seeing Eunae come in motion. She looked back at you with a smile and motioned her head. 

You followed and fell into step with her, crossing the street to the supermarket across from your campus. The food they sold there was so good that you often ditched making lunch in the morning. Another win: you could lay down for a couple of extra minutes before classes started. 

Eunae walked towards the freshly made sushi and left you browsing the sandwiches. You watched as she picked up multiple boxes. She wouldn’t be done there anytime soon. 

Your attention was back to the stand in front of you.

They made fresh baguettes with a variety of spreads. Your favourite was a salmon with cream cheese and lettuce, but the display for that one was empty. With a wave, you grabbed the attention of the employee and whipped your phone out. Feeling her eyes burn into you, you typed in your notes with a rapidly beating heart. 

A notification grabbed your attention. 

‘Look next to you’. 

You did and stared right into the eyes of Soonyoung, who beamed at you. You smiled and waved at him. He turned back to his phone and you got another text. 

‘Let me help’.

Before you could stop him, you watched as he took over, ordering the sandwich you’d been looking forward to the entire morning. Your excitement died out and you offered the employee an apologetic smile. You weren’t sure what exactly you were apologising for.

Soonyoung grabbed a sandwich from the display and held it under his arm as he shot another text. 

Your phone buzzed and you looked. 

‘What’s sign language for spicy chicken?’

You had trouble making a big deal out of his interference and couldn’t help but laugh. You turned to him and spelt ‘spicy’. You turned your fingertips towards your lips, wiggling your fingers. Watching him repeat after you, you bobbed your head. For the word ‘chicken’,  you put your hand in front of your mouth again and tapped your index finger and thumb together thrice, like mimicking the beak of a chicken. 

Soonyoung repeated after you again, the corners of his eyes crinkling when he made the gesture. “Clever,” he signed, to which your lips curved in a smile. 

You put the signs after each other, wiggling your fingers and tapping your fingers together and Soonyoung did the same. 

He knew the very basics, which he put on display while you waited for your sandwich. Asking how you were, replying with ‘I’m good, a lot of dancing’, when you returned the favour and he invited you to hang out at his dorm tonight. 

‘A break from school’, he texted you and smiled. 

You chuckled and nodded, telling him you’d be there. 

“Dinner?” he signed at you, after which he pointed his finger at himself and then at you. 

You taught him the sign for together, forming both hands into fists and moving them around in small circles. 

Soonyoung repeated after you and your lips curved into a smile. He thanked you once again and you strolled through the rest of the supermarket together. He grabbed himself two six packs of sports drinks and balanced his sandwich on top of it. 

You watched curiously when he tried fishing out his phone, a grin tugging at your lips. You spelt out his friends’ names when he looked at you and pointed at the drinks. 

By his excessive nodding, you could conclude that he was buying them to share with his friends and his schedule was filled with dancing today. You asked if they were at the supermarket as well, but Soonyoung shook his head. He was probably sent on his way as a result of losing a bet. If you were to believe him, that happened often. 

You saw Eunae popping up at the self checkout and pointed at her, to which Soonyoung nodded. You smiled and waved at him before catching up with her. 

When you were back at campus, Soonyoung texted you again. 

‘Are we digging pasta for tonight? It’s one of the only things I don’t mess up’. 

You shook your head, feeling a laugh rumbling in your throat. 

‘Knock yourself out’, you replied and put your phone away, stuffing your lunch in your mouth before class started. 

You were already looking forward to eating dinner with Soonyoung. You hadn’t seen him over the summer because you lived two hours away from each other and he was packed with work. He provided dance classes for kids of all ages that wanted to get into professional dancing and for them, summer break wasn’t a thing apparently. 

Neither was it a thing for Soonyoung. Ever so hardworking and excited. 

You were lucky your class flashed by. 

Not much later after you knocked, the door swung open and Soonyoung stood in front of you. Fluffy strands of silver hair fell in front of his eyes and when you looked down, he was wearing flip-flops. 

You chuckled. “Shower?”

He nodded and beamed at you as he stepped aside. 

Vibrations drummed through you in rhythmic beats when you stepped inside. You looked aside, where Soonyoung was bobbing his head. His lips were moving and you quickly realised that he was singing. 

He looked at you and pointed at his speaker set, visible from the kitchen area. 

You smiled. “Can I see?”

“Of course!” 

You walked to the living room, the vibrations buzzing through you increasing with every step. The statues reached your thighs, so you kneeled down. You placed your hand on one of the speakers and closed your eyes, letting the music take you over. The rhythm drummed in every fibre of your being and your hand tingled. Your lips twisted into a smile when you recognised the blasting bass. 

You looked over your shoulder at Soonyoung, whose eyes twinkled. His lips were curved into a wide smile, a mixture of adoration and understanding. 

He put on your favourite song. 

You got up and you followed him to the kitchen, the tingling sensation in your hand ebbing away. He’d already prepped the meal and all he had to do was cook it, which he insisted was his job. You could sit and watch. 

So you did. You hoisted yourself on the counter as he stood by the stove, looking at his side profile. His cheeks were a lot less plump since the start of the summer, the definition in his jaw more apparent. His narrow, sharp eyes were fixated on the pan, his full lips pressed into a thin line and his eyebrows pushed together. Like he had to put in a lot of effort to concentrate on dinner. 

Strange. 

His head shot up and he looked your way. 

You looked back with wide eyes. 

“Something wrong?” he signed, arching an eyebrow. 

You shook your head and your hand moved upwards. The middle three fingers brushed your forehead before you held your pinky and thumb up, furrowing your brows. ‘Why?’  

“You were mumbling,” Soonyoung replied with a grin. “I couldn’t understand, though.” 

Your lips twisted into a smile, but you had no idea why his eyes lit up. 

He turned to his phone and yours buzzed. You fished it out of your pocket and looked at the notification. 

‘I like your laugh. It’s cute (:’ 

You looked up at him, but he already turned back to the stove. Your cheeks warmed up and you looked away. You hadn’t seen him like this before. 

Soonyoung was your group mate during your minor in Music Studies. You found common ground in how much music meant to you and you grew close. You discovered he was in your dorm block and you took the walk to the building where the Performance Arts degrees were and where your minor was. On days you were off earlier, you headed into the city together. You learned that he was a dance major and he wanted to be a famous choreographer and dancer. He’d already had job experience, which led him to be absent every now and then for dance competitions. 

You came to watch when he was in town and fell in love with the art of it, feeling every vibration in your body. Since then, you’d taken it upon yourself to show up more often whenever he had a competition in town and when you were completely alone, you danced to the beats that vibrated through you. 

Soonyoung didn’t know that, though. 

He’d never been afraid to ask questions about your experiences being deaf and you were happy to answer them. In turn, you asked him about his experiences and it created a bond between you that lasted far beyond the minor. 

Both in your last year and tasked with graduation, you were extra happy to spend time with him while you still had the time. You knew that could change soon and you couldn’t help but falter at that thought. You liked spending time with Soonyoung. He made you feel at ease in a way that nobody could, not even your other friends. Whatever he did, he always kept you in mind and that made him a friend that you could always confide in, even if he didn’t always understand your struggles. 

You sat on the counter while he stood by the stove, the scent of onion and garlic greeting you. You smiled and watched him add paprika and tomatoes, letting it simmer with the lid on. The delicious scents were trapped inside, but you could still smell them hanging in the air. 

Soonyoung took a step back and smiled at you. In basic gestures, he tried to ask if you enjoyed the smell. At least you thought he was asking that. When he took the lid off and he moved his hands in small circles up to his nose before looking at you, you were sure of that. 

You grinned and shot him a text. 

‘If I enjoy the smell?’

He glanced at his phone before nodding heavily. 

“I do,” you answered in sign language. You repeated his question, moving your hands in opposite circular motions on your chest and belly, spelling out ‘enjoy’ so he would understand. 

“Enjoy,” he repeated back at you and you nodded. 

You did the same gesture as he did before when he was by the stove, spelling out the word ‘smell’, and he beamed. 

“I see!” You could read off his lips and you smiled, doing the entire sentence again. 

Soonyoung’s brows were furrowed together when he mimicked your motions. He beamed when he got it right and he held his hands out to you. “Do you enjoy the smell?”

With a chuckle you replied. “I do.” You rapidly rotated your wrists and he made a bow. “You’re getting better.”

Soonyoung tilted his head at the last word and pushed his brows together. He repeated your motion with curious eyes, starting in front of his mouth and bringing his hand up into a thumbs up.

“Better,” you spelled out and did the sign again. 

“Thank you so much!” He replied excitedly. “I’ve been practicing,” he added and although his motions were stiff and somewhat awkward, you understood him. 

Your lips twisted into a smile and you nodded. “I can see.” 

His eyes lit up and he turned back to the stove. 

Like Wonwoo, he was in a predominantly hearing environment. It took the most time for Soonyoung – both of them, actually – to get fluent in sign language, especially because you didn’t talk to him in person daily. You texted a lot, but that didn’t help him improve. It was a great joy to you that he was learning by himself and he could put his practice to use whenever you saw each other. 

And you weren’t lying; Soonyoung was improving. He was learning more words by talking to you and because he tried using sign language before resorting to his phone, he improved the speed at which he talked. Not that you minded his slower pace. You thought it was cute that he was trying so hard to mimic the flow of your speech. 

Ever so hardworking and excited. 

You could remember a time where your communication was filled with riddles whenever he started waving his hands around. Because you didn’t want to discourage him from learning, you rolled with it and you were glad you did. 

It was also recently that Soonyoung started to understand the value of body language and facial expressions. He’d watched you interact with Ren – fluent in sign language, too – and although he barely understood what you were talking about, he later expressed how he was able to read the tone from your face only. The big motions were intimidating to him at first and he genuinely thought that you were mad at Ren, but when he looked at your raised eyebrows, wide eyes and bright smile, he could only watch in awe. 

‘You were probably talking about gaming,’ he’d said to you. ‘Or music. Nothing gets you excited like those two things.’

It was proof that over the year and a half that you and Soonyoung were friends, he’d paid attention to you. 

A lot of attention. 

Something in your stomach tingled when that thought popped in your head, but you shook it off. 

Soonyoung was cooking the pasta as well and started setting the table. You slid off the counter and pulled on the drawer in front of you. You grabbed two sets of cutlery and turned around, shooting your friend a smile. 

“Sit down,” he signed. When you didn’t budge, he raised his eyebrows, shooting you a pointed look.

“I want to help,” you tried, but he shook his head firmly. 

“I treat you,” was his short response and took the cutlery from you. All you could do was watch in defeat. Why was he so deadset on doing things for you all of a sudden? Ordering for you in the supermarket – which was still unnecessary and he knew that you could do it on your own – and now he cooked for you, set the table and God forbid you stuck even one fingertip out to help. 

This wasn’t the Soonyoung you knew. He was being weird. 

You watched him put everything on the table, leaning against the counter with your arms crossed. 

He smiled at you. “Ready!” 

You pushed yourself up and took a seat before he could even remotely think of helping you with that as well. Eating dinner went in complete silence, the music lightly buzzing through your body as your only company. You inhaled the smell of the sauce, picking up on the chili that he put in there. Bobbing your head, you forked it in your mouth.

The air between you was like a balloon on the verge of popping, making you shift in your seat every now and then. You didn’t want to burst the balloon, neither did you like to thread into the territory of getting the pressure off it. That meant letting the air out and opening a can of worms that was better off closed. 

You glanced at Soonyoung from the corner of his eye. He was staring ahead of him as he absentmindedly put the fork to his mouth, unclenching his jaws and shoving it in. If you didn’t know any better, he could be a puppet on a string. 

His eyes locked on you and your heart made a small jump. He shot you a small smile and put his fork down. “Are you angry?” 

You tilted your head. 

“With me,” he added. “Are you angry with me?” 

You shook your head and he left it at that. 

In the somewhat uncomfortable atmosphere, you finished your food. The first thing you told him was that it was nice and you thanked him for preparing it for you. That earned you a smile and the night continued like nothing happened. 

Soonyoung took you to the living room and turned the volume down, the vibrations fading away to the background and merely brushing your soul instead of setting it alight. He put on the TV and you observed how he went to Netflix. In his list, right in the middle, you saw Black Mirror. Right at the episode where you left off last time. 

You looked aside with a smile and nodded, Soonyoung returning your smile. 

When you were bored out of your mind one day, hanging out at Soonyoung’s dorm after class was cancelled, he suggested watching a TV show together. You loved watching things that put every fibre in your body on high alert, making your jaw drop to the floor because of how bizarre it was. 

That was how you stumbled upon Black Mirror, something Eunae had endlessly recommended to you. You were in season two and started a couple of months ago. You vowed to each other to only watch it together and it became your favourite pastime when you were hanging out, next to listening to music together. 

Whenever Soonyoung looked aside at you with a smile, you knew you’d made a sound. Your stomach tingled and once again you pushed the feeling away, overrun by the emotional rollercoaster that Eunae’s favourite episode put you through. Your eyes were glued to the screen, your heart racing in your chest from the chase. The knot that formed in your stomach when the twist was revealed was almost unbearable, just like how you felt the first episode. 

You looked next to you where Soonyoung was watching with his jaw on the floor. Like you, his eyes were glued to the screen in a mixture of shock and pure disbelief. You smiled at the sight and patted his shoulder. 

You hadn’t seen how his cheeks had flushed. 

Soonyoung put the player on hold and your phone buzzed. 

‘I need a minute to process this.’ 

With a grin playing at your lips you agreed with him, watching how he threw himself back into the cushions. You turned your body to him and pulled your knee up, leaning on your chin. 

“Insane,” he signed before his arm fell next to his body. He blew his cheeks out and looked your way. “Agreed?”

You repeated his motion, bringing your right index finger to your temple before sticking them both out to him on chest level. “Agreed.”

Because you both needed a mental break from the show, you decided to listen to music the rest of the night. Soonyoung sat in front of the speaker with you, his arms wrapped around one knee while your hand was the connection between you and the music. You closed your eyes and focussed on the rhythm flowing through you. His music was bass emphasized – when you were there it was – you could feel that by the way it vibrated. 

“Fleetwood Mac.”

“Which one?” Soonyoung asked and you cocked an eyebrow. He shrugged, a grin playing at his lips. “It’s getting too easy for you.” He spelled the word easy out and eyed you in anticipation.

You lightly slapped the back of your fingertips twice and he repeated after you. You rolled your shoulders back with a nod. “Okay, I’ll try.”

“You’ll know.”

You looked back at Soonyoung, who gave you an encouraging smile. Placing your hand on the speaker again, the bass had intensified. Where it was one hard vibration every few beats before, now it was ten faster ones after another. Like it was playing more notes. You perked up and removed your hand. 

“The Chain!”

Soonyoung pointed at you excitedly. “Yes! Easy, right?” 

You agreed with a smile and traced the speaker with your finger, feeling the bass drumming through it. Soongyoung tapped your shoulder, his hands out in front of him. 

“How do you…” He paused, his eyes darting around the room. He spelled out ‘know’, and you did the motion for him, tapping your temple twice while you pushed your brows together. “...know.” He nodded. “How do you know?” 

“The music?” You asked, to which he nodded. In your friendship he never wondered about your methods, he just went along with it and created the game of you guessing a song by its vibrations. 

“I feel,” you answered. 

“I noticed.” His eyes widened when you grabbed his wrist and put his hand against the speaker. His face changed and he reminded you of the androids in Detroit: Become Human when they were taking in the information. His mouth formed an ‘O’ shape. “Wow,” you were able to read off his lips. His head snapped your way and he smiled. 

“Did I laugh?” 

He nodded. 

Soonyoung’s compliment from before echoed in the back of your mind. Your stomach tingled again and for another time, you pushed the feeling away not even knowing what it was that made you feel this way. 

You continued the game until you checked in for the night – your hand wouldn’t stop tingling anymore – having guessed almost the entire Fleetwood Mac discography by the time you were back in his hallway. With small eyes and a smile, you waved at him. “Thank you for tonight. I was glad to see you again.”

Soonyoung held his arms open and you walked into it, resting your head on his chest. He rocked you back and forth gently, lingering longer than he usually would. You didn’t feel like letting go yet either so you closed your eyes and listened to his breathing.

You stood there, just… living. That was how easy it was around him. He made you forget that there was a world of responsibilities out there that you stepped back into when you left his dorm. He grounded you in the reality of the present, not worrying about what the next day would bring. 

You let go of him and stepped into the hall, watching how he leaned his head against the doorframe. “See you again soon?”

Soonyoung nodded as his lips curved into a smile. “We’ll text,” he replied. 

You walked to the end of the hallway and took a left into the staircase, right back to your own level. Even though you were two levels above him, you were certain that you felt the vibrations of his music through your floor. 

Your family came to visit after your first week of school. Not that your dorm had changed over the years but they never failed to check in with you. Since you were graduating, they put extra emphasis on spending time with you before you were buried in work. 

You grew up a couple of towns away from your university’s city. You could’ve stayed at home and travelling back and forth wouldn’t be too overwhelming, but as much as you loved them, you looked forward to having your own place.

Sort of. You shared your dorm, but never really saw your roommate much. You doubted she was still enrolled, so you didn’t pay much attention to her. In fact, you didn’t mind having the place all to yourself. Your friends slept over more than your roommate did. 

Your phone buzzed and you fished it out of your pocket, revealing the notifications of one of your sisters. 

‘We’re outside.’ 

Before you had a chance to reply, another text followed. 

‘Prepare yourself.’ 

You shook your head with a snicker, grabbing your bag and closing the door behind you. The hallways were filled with people holding laundry baskets, grocery bags, crates with empty bottles, name it. You passed a group of people on your way out who were carrying a bedframe upstairs, stepping out of the way and holding the door for them. ‘Thank you’, you could read off their lips and away they were. 

You took the exit towards the parking lot and started looking for a black SUV, maybe a head with grey hair sticking out next to it. You jumped from a hand on your shoulder and looked next to you with your heart throbbing in your throat. 

Soonyoung grinned at you. “Did I scare you?” 

“Very much so, yes,” you replied with a chuckle. “Where are you off to?” 

“Supermarket. Sunday is grocery day.” He pointed at his sweatpants. “Only time before dance practice. What about you?” 

“I’m going into the city with my family,” you told him. “They’re visiting.”

He beamed at you. “Awesome, have fun!” 

“Thanks!” You returned his bright smile with one of your own. “Good luck today.” 

“Thank you!” 

You rubbed his shoulder gently before walking into the parking lot. When you spotted the SUV in question, they were all standing outside of the car. Your sisters – both older than you – were grinning and your father was the only one genuinely focussed on seeing you again instead of whatever they saw happening between you and Soonyoung.

He embraced you and ruffled your hair like he always did, feeling a laugh rumbling in his chest. When you pulled back, he told you how much he’d missed you, even though the summer break didn’t end too long ago. 

Your sisters were next, but left your hair alone luckily. They both pinched your cheek before everyone got in the car. 

The oldest of you, Jia, slid into the passenger’s seat next to your father, who got behind the wheel. You were in the backseat with Iseul, who didn’t hesitate to turn to you. 

“Who was that guy that you were talking to?” She signed to you, her hands moving in fluent motions like yours did. 

You glanced at the people in the front, but your father was focussed on the road and Jia was on her phone. You looked back at Iseul, whose eyes probed you. “That was Soonyoung,” you replied. 

Iseul’s mouth formed an ‘O’ shape and from the corner of your eye, you saw your father looking through the rear view mirror. 

“The guy from your minor!” She exclaimed excitedly. She grinned and nudged you. “He’s cute~” 

You were afraid to agree before she went around to tell everybody, but yes. You thought Soonyoung was cute. 

“I didn’t know he could sign,” Iseul continued and curled her upper lip upwards, bobbing her head up and down. 

“He’s trying,” you said. “He’s getting better at it and he wants to learn.” 

She smiled at that. “He looks so sweet.”

Again, you were afraid to agree before your entire town would know. You merely nodded and hoped Iseul wouldn’t run with it. “What have you been up to?”

“A lot of designing.” Iseul blew her cheeks and you saw your father’s eyes looking at you through the mirror again. “I’ve been so busy.”

You snickered and patted her thigh. “Poor you, busy doing what you love.”

“I can take that shirt you’re wearing right back from you without a sweat.”

“Try me.” 

Iseul stuck her tongue out before both of you focussed on your own stuff. You looked out of the window, watching the city ring flash by. 

All four of you were deaf, but only your father wore cochlear implants. He’d never really spoken about why, since he highly encouraged all of you to swear them off if you didn’t want to wear them. He wore them every day, too, and you hadn’t seen him much without them outside of the house. 

Neither you, Iseul nor Jia decided to wear them. Jia had a period where she briefly considered it, but she decided not to in the end. Her husband – it was still her boyfriend then – supported her every step of the way and learnt sign language for her. For all of you, actually. He was fluent by the time they got married and you enjoyed spending time with him and Jia. 

You didn’t expect less of your sister.

Iseul had a girlfriend that was also deaf so communicating with her had always been easy. She didn’t wear implants either so all of you were completely reliant on sign language, even your father. Not that he struggled to sign, not at all. You noticed that he liked to rely on his hearing more than on the rest of his senses, something that went against everything he taught the three of you.

You’d tried talking to Jia about it. Jia knew everything – just like Iseul told everything – but she just whisked it away with a vague explanation that left you with more questions than answers. She stepped in when your father wasn’t around so she must know something. She’d never let anything loose, like she swore herself to silence. 

Your father parked the car and you got out, pulling your bag after you. You walked to the front and helped Jia, whose belly was getting in the way of her movements. She offered you a smile and gently brushed your cheek. 

“How are you doing?” You asked and pointed at her belly. “Getting along well?”

“My back is hurting much more and I can barely bend over anymore, but other than that I’m doing well.” She patted it with a smile. “And so is the baby. We’re having a great time together.”

You asked if she knew the gender, but she shook her head. It would stay a surprise until the baby was born. 

Your family took you to your favourite lunchroom, where you’d visited every year since you started university and every time in between. The head server, one of the sweetest people you’d ever met in your entire life, waved at you and directed you to a table further in the back. It was quieter there and it was your favourite spot to sit in. You could look out over the shopping streets, watching a variety of people pass by in the city that you’d called home for almost four years. 

He’d followed you down and put the menus down for you. He had an athletic build, broad shoulders hugged by a shirt and an apron that accentuated his waist. His sharp features were your point of recognition and through Soonyoung at the start of the minor, you found out that they were friends. After two years of going to that place, you could finally connect a face to the name Chan.

You could read off his lips that he asked for drinks and he started scribbling something down on his notepad. He turned it to you, your eyes scanning the words ‘Fresh mint tea?’. With a bright smile, you looked up at him and nodded. 

You watched the people outside, seeing Chan disappearing from the corner of your eye. It was busy for a Sunday, you noticed it immediately. You hadn’t caught wind of any special events planned, but the weather outside was nicer than usual for the time of year. You didn't need more than a light coat to keep yourself warm. 

When you turned back to your family, you tuned into a conversation about Iseul’s upcoming vacation. She’d worked throughout the entire summer and was leaving for a couple of weeks in November. She was the only one still living at home – apart from you during holidays – so your father would have a quiet time. He didn’t mind, he declared to all three of you.

When she wasn’t looking, he turned to you. “I like the peace and quiet,” he told you, to which you giggled. He smiled at that and you looked outside again. 

Your father was a calm man. He gladly let you and your sisters take centre stage while he sat back and watched you blossom into the people you had become. His priority was the three of you, even despite working himself to the bone to provide for you. He wouldn’t have made it without the help of his parents – your grandparents – whom you sadly said goodbye to a couple of years ago when you were still in high school, and he was honest about that. They watched you when he had to work late shifts and you ate dinner there every Monday night. You loved sleeping over at their place and you missed that sometimes. 

Now that you were all grown up, you wondered if he was interested in finding love again. Throughout your childhood and teen years, he never brought someone home. He never talked about going on dates, or trying it out for that matter. 

He’d watched countless boy- and girlfriends come and go on your side, though. Before Jia’s husband was introduced, she wasn’t shy about bringing people home. Neither was Iseul, even behind his back. She sneaked countless girls in and out of the house and she still didn’t know that your father knew about all of them. 

They were both in happy relationships, you were just living your life and love was on the backburner in your graduation year. When was it his turn, after everything he’d done for you and your sisters? You hadn’t been brave enough to ask him about it. You were still the youngest of the family so in some way, you felt, it wasn’t your place to know. 

Chan came back to get your food orders. His eyes darted to your father, right across from you. His lips were moving and you were in time to catch the words ‘share’, ‘platter’ and ‘no raw meat or fish’. You hadn’t even touched the menu and it seemed that the rest didn’t know what to get, so the solution was to get the surprise platter for four people. Two and two. Jia and Iseul would share one and you’d share one with your father. 

“Have you thought about what you want to do for your project?” He asked you, his soft brown eyes looking at you curiously. 

“I’m thinking about a choice-based game,” you signed to him. “I don’t know the setting yet, but I want the protagonist to be like me and have the game mirror that experience.” You shrugged. “It’s not much yet, but I have time.”

“And I think that you have a beautiful basis to work with.” He smiled and nodded, looking at you for a good second before he moved his hands. “What is a choice-based game again?” 

You felt a laugh rumble in your throat. “It’s where the choices you make actually matter to the story,” you explained. “You have different outcomes for every scenario as the game progresses. Which means that the game can end in different ways.”

Your father bobbed his head. “That makes a lot of sense, I could’ve known that.”

You rubbed his hand, a gentle reminder to him that he tried.

“Is the protagonist being deaf the point of the game or is it just part of their identity?” 

You hadn’t thought about that before. It hadn’t come up in a brainstorm with your friends either and you started to realise how trapped you already were in your graduation bubble. It was all you thought about, even when you weren’t buried in school work. 

“I don’t know yet,” you answered your father. “I think the latter.”

“You can always think about scenarios where hearing can help you survive and see what you can do with it when the protagonist is deaf.”

Your smile reached your eyes. “That is a wonderful idea, dad.”

He returned your smile warmly and rubbed your hand. “You’re doing wonderful, peach. I’m curious what you come up with.”

Chan brought a coworker along to put two big platters and four plates to the table, grinning at you directly before he asked for another round of drinks. You opted for a homemade lemonade and Iseul went along with you, while Jia got another tea. Your father skipped and so began your lunch. The table fell quiet until you finished. The only thing you’d said was to Chan, telling him it was delicious. 

Your father paid – and didn’t let any of you protest against him – before you went on your way. The rest of the afternoon, you walked in and out of stores. Sometimes you left with new clothes, some stores left you with nothing short of disappointment. 

Watching you and your sisters having fun, your father tagged along to every store. He never commented, just looked with a smile whenever you came out with something on. When Jia asked if he wanted to visit somewhere, his only request was the bookstore in town and it was your turn to watch with a smile as he got lost in his own world. 

You plopped down at a terrace around dinnertime, two bags of clothing richer. Iseul announced that it was cocktail time and you glanced at Jia, who patted her belly. 

“A mocktail for you, then,” Iseul added, making you chuckle. 

“Mocktails are nice as well,” you told Jia. “They make a mojito with ginger ale here.”

Her ears perked up, her eyes scanning the menu. “Oh! Here it is!” 

You scanned the QR code and put her order in, letting your phone go around the table as you decided for yourself. Iseul had a Cosmopolitan, but you opted for a Moscow Mule. You sent the order. Food could wait, you had the entire evening at your feet. 

Just when you wanted to put your phone down, it buzzed in your hand. 

‘Look to your left’

You did, scanning the terrace and beyond. You got another text.

‘Oops that was left for me. Look to your right’ 

You turned your head to the other side and almost immediately, you locked eyes with Soonyoung, grinning at you. He was in the back of the terrace on a couch joined by two other people across from him in chairs.

You felt a flame of heat rising to your cheeks and you turned to your phone again. 

‘I thought you had dance practice’, you replied to him. 

‘We’re celebrating that we survived’

You looked at him and he was blowing his cheeks, to which you chuckled. You shook your head and put your phone away. 

He looked back at you with his eyebrows raised and eyes wide and pointed at your table. He put his index fingers on top of his thumbs and connected them before moving them away from each other in a circle. 

Family.

You nodded with a smile and in return, you pointed to his table and tapped your index fingers before switching places. “Friends?”

He nodded excessively. 

Your phone buzzed again. 

‘Chan’s on his way from work.’ 

When you looked up, both of them had turned around and you smiled at them. One of them returned it weakly while the other waved at you, flashing you a wide grin. 

You told him to have fun and he stuck his thumb up. You turned back to your own table, where everyone was eying you curiously. Desperately fighting the heat spreading to your cheeks again, you explained that you saw Soonyoung, the friend you met during your minor. You kicked Iseul under the table when she nudged you and diverted everyone’s attention to dinner. 

At least they knew what they wanted this time. 

You let your phone pass the people at the table again and saved your own order for last, glancing over at Soonyoung’s table. His eyes were almost invisible because of the bright smile that was on his face. His shoulders were shaking and he leaned forward, indicating that he was laughing. Your heart skipped a beat at the scene so you quickly looked away, just too late to see Soonyoung looking back at you with the biggest smile on his face. 

𝕤𝕧𝕥 .𝕞𝕝𝕚𝕤𝕥 ✦ 𝕟𝕒𝕧𝕚𝕘𝕒𝕥𝕚𝕠𝕟 ✦ 𝕚𝕟𝕓𝕠𝕩