[J.A]

pencils, hairpins, my mind I’m losin’ it.

It’s important for me to have flowers in my life. It’s important for me to have days of leisure, where I can sleep in until 1:42 in the afternoon and walk to get coffee and be happy to wait in line. It’s important for me to be able to walk to the corner grocer, the family run one that’s open on all civic holidays when everything else shuts down, and buy two almost-bruised mangoes for a dollar ninety-nine and a basket of blueberries. Because I have friends coming over later and we are going to make a meal together. She’s bringing brussel sprouts, and we’ll fry them in bacon and eat them with poached eggs, with mango-blueberry salad on the side. And it’s important for me to feel the leisure of the sun on my face. It’s important for me to know that this time I take is my time to enjoy and love myself. To feel peace. Because the roar of the city too often takes that peace away from me, until I have a knot in my gut and I’m struggling to breathe and slowing down the pace feels antagonistic to the speed of life that I am supposed to be living. Buy the flowers. Tulips are three for eleven. The bright life is contagious, and I need that vivaciousness to keep me alive. [J.A]

Sometimes I surprise myself. Sometimes I think, hey, I’m just this cog in the wheel of my life that others are in control of, and I’m just spinning along and I have no control. And I’m stressed and unhappy and buy things to bring me a temporary pleasure that only fills up my drawers and gives me more things to dust and makes me more and more aware of what I have in comparison to what I do not, and then compare that to what others have and/or what others do not. And then I’m spinning and spinning and trying to grab onto any concrete piece of sanity to hold onto and breathe and find control. I’m like, okay you’re stressed, that’s why you’re biting your nails, that’s unhealthy, let’s deal with that. So then I go to the pharmacy and buy three kinds of nail polish plus makeup pads and nail polish remover because nothing lasts forever, and now I have another thing in my life to maintain and keep polished, pardon the pun. And none of this is a surprise, it’s just what happens. But then I’m breaking down every 2-3 weeks, dissolving into uncontrollable tears, wanting to melt until I disappear into a puddle that drains into a sewer grate and gets washed away with the rain. And then I talk to someone who says, you’re only responsible for you. Which I knew all along, but I feel accountable for so many things and to so many people. And then that gets me thinking. I don’t have to be spinning anymore. I don’t have to be doing anything, anymore. And then I call. I quit my job. And holding that phone in my hand, thumb about to press the button, and it’s like standing at the top of a diving board. JUMP JUMP JUMP my brain is saying, just do it, just do it, just jump. But I’m frozen. And then I do it. I just jump. I just make the call. And it’s easy, and then it’s over. And life moves on. And I’m free. Because I made the call. [J.A]

[J.A]

[J.A]

I prefer to type in capitals and I prefer to drink red wine  I’d rather be in a relationship but casual sex is also fine  I used to bite my nails but now I get shellac  I used to eat big meals at three but now it’s a light snack I work on things too much at once  I’m learning to go slow  I’ve never been a rabbit  despite owning them  one thing at a time don’t fuck it all up never a rabbit  practice makes perfect I’m a tortoise  not a rabbit practice makes perfect not a rabbit master of none jack of all trades jack rabbit  jill rabbit  a tortoise blonde hair I’ve never been a speed demon  what would I think had changed date rape and alcohol abuse? my postal code? my age?

by all means  and my means are few  the world is at my fingers  I want you to know  my mind is empty  navy blue as the sea  I’ve got my mind dear I’ve got my blue  the summers over  the sun filters dead leaves  I’ve got my mind here I’ve got my blue at least  will it ever wash?  the sweat and stink of life?  will the heat that festers  ever shrink down will it cauterize?  I’ve got my mind dear  I’ve got my mind at least 

So I move. [J.A]

Reach for the moon and even if you miss you will have stretch marks the length of the pacific  ribs as spread as the sea  roots as deep as molten growls you will be the size of the earth wide and abundant it is not important where you reach to  as long as you’re reaching  the reach is the process the reach is what matters  the discomfort  the disjuncture the breaking  the stalemates the repairing  the new growth the healing the reach is the stretch is the only way  do not gloss over the time and pain it will take and if your reach shifts to grab for venus or other galaxies stars beyond the limits of our limited sight trust in your breaking trust in your repairing trust the strength of your stretch and that the stretch means more than the length ever will  [J.A]

These days feel good and right. I say, I’m doing really well right now! When people ask how are you?  These days are few and far between. But act as postmarks. book marks. post its? They act as lamposts showing me how near and far I’ve come and gone between them.  I’m in a dark day now My monster’s mad, I can feel him disappointed in the corner. He joins regret at the edge of my bed and they wimper  we have failed her we have failed her we have failed I pick them up off the bed put them onto the floor with the rest of my clothes I’ll fold tomorrow. [J.A]

Like all the things I love to do I love them for the love of you And you and you and you and you  My thighs grow big  i eat for you My face grows thin  I starve for you At wick’s end  flame burning too  too much too bright  a shitty candle I drink  I fish  I lounge  I dish  I dine and delight  I lay about all night eating cookies and wafers and pastes with molasses I watch things  and read things  There is an absence I try to avoid run away from ignore give the cold shoulder  BUT IT IS STILL THERE  I cannot go like a waistbelt kind of leash we’re attached  I’m a renegade child  unwieldy relentless a savage a monster in jam and red cords  My invisible monster holds my leash and walks me  saying it’s okay  no not today and I the disobedient child do anyway My invisible monster only wants what’s best.  [J.A]

When I’m tired my right eye is lazy  When I’m sick it’s my left  I’m sick and tired and blind and horny  touch with your fingers  right to left  [J.A]

I want cookies and ice cream I want them both with you I want ice cream on cookies on these summer days Everything’s always nicer with you

[J.A]