Jokes

 *Boy to Boy* 00:00:59

*Boy to Mom* 00:00:50

*Boy to Dad* 00:00:30

*Boy to Girl* 01:23:59

*Girl to Girl* 05:29:59

*Girl to Boy* Missed call

*Husband to Wife* 00:00:03

Bill Gates died in an accident involving a misguided pie which was thrown at him by an angry Mac protester. Because of his achievements in life, it was decided that he should go to heaven.

God Personally showed Bill around heaven, displaying the Waterfalls, Great Forests, Lagoon’s and Wet-T-shirt contests that are held regularly. Bill was impressed by all of them and kept nodding his head in approval, which pleased God because he enjoyed pleasing others.

Son (S) : Why is making love so enjoyable.

Father (F) : It is just like the sensation when you are digging your nose with your finger !!

S : Why do women enjoy sex more than man

F : It is because when you dig your nose, your nose feels more comfort than your finger.

S: Why do women hate it when they get raped .

F: It is like when you are walking on the street,someone else come over and dig your nose, do you like it ??

S: Why woman cannot have sex when they are having menstruation?

F: If your nose is bleeding, do you still dig it ??

S: Why man do not like to wear condoms when they are making love.

F: Do you like to dig your nose with a glove on your finger.

S: Why are making love carried out in private?

F: Will you dig you nose in front of your class? Stupid!

S: What is an orgasm ?

F:The same as sneezing. but the the other way round

S: Is it true that women love big dicks ?

F: Ever tried picking your nose with your thumb ?

S: What''s anal sex?

F: Picking your mouth

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. 

He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.        

The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"        

My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."        

Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"        

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.        

Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.        

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."        

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.        

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.        

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.        

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.        

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.        

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.        

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.        

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."        

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.        

Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."        

Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!        

Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.        

Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."        

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.        

Top economist Valentine's Day cards 

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. 

 His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. 

The man says, "I''m sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, ''Guess who?''" 

A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. 

After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine''s day. What do you think it means?"

 "You''ll know tonight." he said. 

Q: how many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: none, that's a hardware problem

Q: Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas?

A: Because Oct 31 == Dec 25!

Q: How do you tell an introverted computer scientist from an extroverted computer scientist?

A: An extroverted computer scientist looks at your shoes when he talks to you.

Q: "Whats the object-oriented way to become wealthy?"

A: Inheritance

Q: How many prolog programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job. "Okay," the sheriff drawled, "what is 1 and 1?"

"Eleven," she replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, "That''s not what I meant, but she''s right." "What two days of the week start with the letter ''T''?"

"Today and tomorrow."

He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.

"Now, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don''t know."

"Well, why don''t you go home and work on that one for a while?"

|The following is a comprehensive federal study, approved by the Attorney General: Everything Men Know About Women

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

End of Report

You are so poor . . .

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene? A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description? A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so- called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers? A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for you daily duties? A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room? A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker? A. Yes sir.

Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts? This goes in front

Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks. The 1st blonde said,"These look like deer tracks,"and the other one said , " No,they look like moose tracks". They argued until the train hit them.

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door to their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door opened,but they couldn''t. The girl with the coat hanger stopped to catch her breath,and her friend said anxiously,"Hurry up! Its starting to rain and the top''s down!

Why do blondes like lightning? They think someone is taking their picture!

What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA? "Look! They spelled MACY''S wrong!

nWhy can''t blondes take coffee breaks? They''re too hard to retrain.

What do you call 9 blondes standing in a circle? A dope ring.

Why can''t blondes be pharmacists? Because they can''t fit the bottle in the typewriter.

What''s the definition of eternity? 4 blondes at a 4-way stop