Shining Bright

It's you I want and no one else

I played a dangerous game

Only to repay the hurt

I hate myself for stooping so low.

Why would I become something I hate?

I want to try again

To build us up and fix the hole.

Please help me to rebuild us.

When I look within

My heart beats for you.

Yes we've been through a lot

Neither is perfect

I mean it wholeheartedly

I want no one but you

I hurt both you and me

I apologize for everything

I should've had more faith

I should've been more positive

I should've been more supportive

Most of all more forgiving.

I love you more than you know

I love the hard times

They bring us closer

I pray its not over.

For I can't get over you

You're my soulmate

I feel like a disease

Bad always follows me.

Forever running

Always cunning.

Happiness is just within reach

But I'm a diseased leech.

Always thinking of the negative

Why can't I be positive?

Once I was free

To be anything I wanted to be.

Now I'm caged within

Fighting this disease again.

Always giving to others

Trying to make up for my mother.

Forever trying to heal

I do not know how to deal.

Childhood trauma

All started due to my momma.

The disease I was born with

Forever I'll always down a fifth.

Someday I will die

By then I'll learn to fly.

The disease will consume me

Because the disease is what makes me.

Slowly my fingers become numb,

I'm vigorously rubbing them,

Wasting valuable energy,

How long has it been?

The wind picks up,

Blowing trees from side to side,

Causing powdered snow to fall,

Sparkling like diamonds through the sun.

My fingers have lost all feeling,

Frantically placing them between my legs,

In a final attempt,

To bring feeling back.

Its starting to get dark,

I find a place near the cliff,

Breaking off branches,

Laying them against the cliff base,

I now have shelter.

The sun is gone,

Not a cloud in the sky,

I lay in the fetal position,

Staring at the full moon,

Hanging like a night light in the sky.

Slowly I become too cold to move.

I am unable to stretch out,

I cannot feel my face,

Slowly I loose consciousness.

A howl is heard in the distance.

Crunching of snow is heard,

As large paws are getting closer,

Drawn to the smell of my fear,

Excreted in my urine,

In a desperate attempt for warmth.

Howls are heard,

Signaling food has been found,

A small scream erupts, Echoing through the still night,

Followed by snarls and growling,

And a victorious howl.

I watch in horror,

As the wolves close in,

Drool dripping from their jaws,

A large black one heads for me,

Opening his huge snarling jaws,

A sharp pain followed by my shout,

Then darkness and coldness,

The cold has consumed me in death.

Since I was little

Life's been so cruel.

Made me so brittle

Darkness has become my rule.

All smiles are rarely real

A small price I pay.

Like looking for my next meal

Living life day by day.

Growing up being teased

Teased for my looks.

Constantly trying to appease

The almighty Gods from books.

I've lost my way

No longer living.

Taking things day by day

Always giving.

On the outside

I'm the nicest.

While on the inside

Negativity exists.

Picturing those who cross me

Implode upon one glance.

In some monstrosity

Loosing their chance.

While I continue to struggle

To find what is normal.

I feel like a mere muggle

Something extremely paranormal.

Someday I hope to find

My mere meaning.

While making the daily grind

Slowly finding I am weaning.

Darkness is fading

The weight slowly lifting.

I can finally start grading

Understanding my gifting.

The abilities I was given

To make it through the hell.

I can hope to be forgiven

That all can be well.

As I start to climb out

Of the darkness deep.

I can finally shout

Here comes eternal sleep.

I love too much

Try to hard

Put my all into things

For I'm a loving soul.

Yet I can't love myself

I don't try to fix myself

I'm always putting me second

Never putting me first

I give too many chances

Care too much

For the wrong people

Cut myself short

When is my time

When will someone treat me

With kindness and respect

Point out my flaws

Help me to work on myself

Show they truly care

Does no one act as I do

Does no one care for anyone other than themselves

Our children should come first

Yet they come second

Sometimes they come last

God help us

Help us to love ourselves

So we know when we're cut short

So we can put those who mean the most

Where they should be

Only then can we truly love

And be loved and treated

How we expect to be

By loving ourselves as much as we love our expectations

Every time I'm caused pain

By someone I hold dear.

I have to cause myself physical pain

To match the emotional pain caused.

At first I cry and question

Why me? What did I do?

Do I really deserve this pain?

Why do I still care even?

They continue to repeat the process

Giving empty apologies.

Repeating to cause me internal pain

What do they have to gain?

Slowly the heat rises

My head tingles

At first I have vocal outburst

Punching anything near by.

When I feel no pain in my hand

I start to shake and get tingly

Its like my soul is outside,

Watching my body acting.

I watch with fear

As my body takes my head

Repeatedly screaming in a voice

That is almost demonic.

Bashing the forehead against a wall

Then against a door

Finally taking my fists

And hitting myself.

In an effort to fight

I feel as though my soul

Is yanked back into my body

Frantically looking.

I find a pair of scissors,

I grab these feeling the fight.

Mind against body.

Soul against an unknown entity.

I open the scissors,

I hear the demonic "No!"

Shaking my hand struggles.

My arm is fighting.

I out stretch my arm.

One swipe not so hard.

An internal scream is heard.

I swipe again.

This time digging deep

Red crimson flows from the slash.

"What have you done?!"

The demonic voice screams.

Suddenly the scissors

Are torn from my grasp.

My body jerks

Then relaxes.

The demonic voice says

"Until next time!"

I'm filled with so much

Relief, guilt, too much.

What have I done?

I collapse to the floor.

Covering my face with both hands

I sob uncontrollably.

Tears mix with crimson

The mixture runs down my arm

I'm handed a tissue

I look up into eyes.

Filled with love and hate

How can the one who triggers

The release of this internal demon

Try and be so caring?

Especially after all this.

They saw everything.

They watched me scream and fight.

They called me crazy and unstable.

I just want to release the demon.

Allow it to consume me.

Yet I'm afraid.

Afraid of the damage it'll cause.

So harming my physical body

Each and every time

The demon is triggered and released.

Is the only way to control it.

I wear the scars.

Ashamed of the demon inside.

I keep this person at a distance.

Because they are its key....

Trapped in a mind so cold,

Dying to become more bold,

Even with a heart of gold,

My security has begun to fold.

Constantly pleasing everyone,

Why does my life feel so gone?

I'm dying to be the one,

With the strength of that someone.

Yet the noise is such,

That it's just too much,

Unable to feel my minds touch,

That I cannot find my crutch.

I just want peace,

For this all to cease,

When will I create the crease?

So I can give my piece.

I'm in an eternal dungeon,

Noises piercing like a gun,

Where is the sun?

Why hasn't happiness begun?

Constantly reminded of the abuse,

From every selfish use,

Looking for an excuse,

Dying to find my inner muse.

Some day soon,

I'll be rid of the goon,

And dancing to a different tune,

Underneath the bright full moon.

Free from this internal hell,

Able to finally ring my bell,

Fresh air I will finally smell,

It's them who have finally fell.

No more will their evil desire,

Burn me with their fire,

I have begun to fight dire,

To be able to rise even higher.

I will finally see the light,

With each new height,

I will continue to fight,

Until my soul shines bright!

She is hurting,

Trusted too much,

Let down time and again,

Broken promises,

Lack of action.

She tried too hard,

Even with every red flag,

Tried harder and harder,

Opened her heart,

Let down her walls.

She lost respect,

With each let down,

Growing further apart,

Learning to love herself,

Slowly distancing.

She loves you yes.

Not the love you want,

A friendship type of love,

But most of all,

A love for herself,

For her family.

She will miss you,

The good times cherished,

Focusing on her children,

Spending needed time with family,

Rediscovering who she actually is,

Because even with the good,

Who she truly is was lost.

She needs to find herself,

Love her kids first,

Herself second,

Family neglected,

Calm the anger within,

Of how she sacrificed so much,

For you with nothing in return.

She wishes you the best,

Find who you truly are,

Focus on your family,

Build your strength,

Learn to live alone,

And be truly happy.

She says goodbye,

Take care in this world,

Wishes you the best,

God willing,

May you find the happiness,

That compliments you,

Making you feel whole again.

Some days are dark

A black hole sucking me in.

I struggle to break free

But my feet are tied.

A captive of my own mind

My never ending sentence.

Will I ever be sane?

Will this darkness ever end?

I hear growls all around me

The smell of sulfur fills the air.

Still I'm being pulled

Into this hole deeper and deeper.

I scream for help

A cry so loud.

Yet it falls on deaf ears

No one can hear me.

I pray silently

Sobbing uncontrollably.

When will this end?

My eternal prison within.

I don't know what to do.

I loved you more than myself.

I focused solely on you.

I was trying to help you.

Find yourself.

Find what makes you happy.

Find the fight within.

Find happiness with your kids and us.

You were distant.

You were selfish.

You were egotistical.

You were my everything.

Staying with you hurts more.

Staying alone seems peaceful.

Staying focused on my kids.

Staying focused on finding ME.

I loved your soul.

I loved your strength.

I loved your personality.

I loved your mind.

Your past haunts you.

Your past does not define you.

Your past is behind you.

Your past needs to go.

Focus on yourself.

Focus on contact with your kids.

Focus on friendship.

Focus on God most of all.

All that's needed is space.

All should be respected.

All words should be followed by actions.

All real love will never fade and return to each other.

The timing is all wrong.

The heart is empty.

The mind is a shamble.

The love will return eventually.

The time will come when we reunite hopefully.

I will always love you.

I will cherish the time we shared.

I will respect the lesson you have taught me.

I will above all else love myself first.