Barbie Tumblrina

I spent almost an entire work shift drawing this tooth-rotting fluff

Shane would definitely have a hard time connecting with Troy at the beginning but then Ilya says something about Shane's food habits when they are ordering food for the team and Troy not only gets offended, but comes to Shane's defense full tilt. "ILYA!!! What the fuck!!Why are you making fun of your man's order. Salmon and brown rice is delicious!!! That's my favorite meal!!!" Then Shane and Troy spend the lunch discussing the benefits of their performance diets and comparing notes on food prepping for optimal fuel value per caloric intake.

Ilya stands by Harris, stunded by Troy's betrayal and wondering if he should be jealous. But he quickly forgets about it when Harris says, "Those two can't possibly have functioning taste buds. Who doesn't like cookies and cream ice cream?" As he hands Ilya a loaded bowl of ice cream.

Then they become couple besties because:

Exhibit A: Harris and Ilya

Loud as fuck, in everyone's business, love yummy food, music and being with friends, and super proud of their queerness.

Exhibit B: Shane and Troy

Obsessed about being at peak performance, not really aware of how hot they are, trauma bonded over stupid shit they've done because of fear of being outted and most importantly, quiet bitches that can tear anyone up in a heart beat.

Exhibit C: Harris and Shane

Media training (They each could have a TedTalk or a podcast), Ottawa because "what do you mean they closed the place that made the good smoothies?" and family because these boys love their families.

Exhibit D: Ilya and Troy

they met at some sort of fundraiser or event and she strikes up a conversation with him, and at the end of the night she oh so subtly asks if he wants to grab dinner (food at tthe event sucked) to finish their conversation about the technical differences between mens and womens professional hockey, an offer shane takes very literally because he's very invested now and actually enjoying this conversation, and at the time has very firmly drawn the line in his head that there is absolutely nothing possibly romantic about hockey.

when her teammates ask her how the night went the victorie player is like "he was really nice, listened intently to everything i had to say, laughed at my jokes, paid for dinner, didn't tell me about how much more difficult mens hockey is. he treated me like the best conversation partner he's had in a while. he's gay. he just doesn't know it yet."

it becomes a thing that anytime the montreal mens and womens teams are at an event together, all the women love talking to shane, and his teammates (who don't know about the not-date because he's never mentioned it) tease him about how he's such a ladies man and he should ask one of them out, they'd definitely say yes. meanwhile the victories all like him because he's actively not hitting on them or talking over them and he really just wants to talk about hockey.

like they're so used to every conversation with an nhl player ending his him disrespecting the pwhl in some way and acting like they should be impressed he's a professional athlete (like they aren't professional athletes too!!) meanwhile shane starts conversations with "so i watched the documentary you recommended on the first womens olympic hockey team and-"

Raiders: 👀

Ilya: My Jane said she will send me glasses pic if we win tonight!

Raiders who have experienced this before: Fuck yeah brother 😫🙏

Ilya: So I am not loosing to New fucking Jersey and missing a picture of my pretty Jane in her glasses!

It’s an overnight trip to the cottage. Svetlana, Cliff, Jackie (but not Hayden) Pike, most of the centaurs, and for some reason David Hollander are all there. Everyone’s expecting some Death of a Bachelor style extravaganza, a dramatic send-off of Boston’s Finest Eater, a glittery funeral for the man who once did a line of coke off a model in a moving car.

But then they all get there and Ilya just wants to…hang out? Kinda? There are video games and jet skis and funny stories told around a campfire. There’s an impromptu game of charades that ends with Jackie Pike throwing a shoe at Cliff Marleau and splitting his lip open.

But it’s still Ilya Rozanov. His 2014 club-rat soul is as strong as ever. He’s going to make it a good time.

By 10:00 PM they’ve been playing never have I ever for over an hour trying to find something he hasn’t done. It’s David Hollander flabbergasted and impressed. It’s Wyatt Hayes shouting “what do you mean you’ve been kidnapped before?” And Zane Boodram yelling “I didn’t even know that was a position!”

It’s Cliff wearing a comically large pair of sunglasses to disguise the fact he’s sobbing while drunkenly telling everyone story after story about Ilya’s Boston days. He’s slurring “and no homo, man, but I’m not even mad those girls made us kiss during that threesome! It was an honor!” Before collapsing. Luca Haas passed out after the first round of Twister.

David Hollander is white girl wasted congratulating his future son in law, he’s shit talking Montreal for hurting his sweet boy so loud that they have to cover their ears. Him and Ilya are bonding over their shared experience with a stubborn spouse that they can’t say no to. Eventually Ilya switches completely to Russian without realizing and gets pissed when no one laughs at his clearly hilarious jokes.

Halfway through the night Sveta has to call Shane (who is at home completely sober) so Ilya will stop attempting to ride a peloton bike to their house. Ilya starts weeping the second he hears Shane’s voice. It’s “baby stop crying I’ll see you tomorrow okay?” and “holy shit did you get my dad wasted?” But David isn’t around to hear because he’s actually on a similar sounding FaceTime with Yuna. Ilya falls asleep on the floor cradling a framed photo of Shane as a little kid.

It’s one of the best nights of his entire life. Practice is cancelled for three days.

we already are married as far as they’re concerned

we already are married as far as they’re concerned

we already are married as far as they’re concerned

we already are married as far as they’re concerned

(little brooottthhheerrr)