Exploring Creativity

May is Mental Health Awareness Month. Like so many people, I have struggled with depression and anxiety for most of my life. Although I had been in counseling since I was in my late teens, it was only after my second bout of postpartum depression that I received the medications that would not only stabilize my mood but also allow me to use the tools that I had learned in therapy more effectively.…

Spring has always been a hard time of year for me. I live in the desert, where the sun is always shining, the birds perform a daily symphony, and there is year-round growth of beautiful, unique plants. Despite these facts, a heaviness takes over my life, leaving me wondering what is wrong. This leads to a negative thought loop that makes it easy to feel downhearted. Since January, I’ve also been…

The one thing I’ve learned over the last 14 years, since Mike died on March 13, 2012, is that I can not predict how I will feel or what the time leading up to the date will look like. The only sure thing is that I will feel sad and miss Mike with all my heart. The first few years were especially hard, when the anticipatory grief could last the whole month. I didn’t realize until after the 1st…

Time is a strange construct, especially when it comes to the death of a loved one. It’s hard to believe that it has been four years since my mom died. Sometimes she comes to me in my dreams, but they always end up reminding me that she is dead. My brain is still trying to come to terms with the reality of her absence in my life. Lately, though, I’ve felt more connected to her, seeing how her…

Oh, bittersweet season,leaving me twisting and turning,as I ride the holiday emotional roller coaster.The 4 AM awakenings, wrapped in darkness,with the tears ready to spill.Longing to drift back to sleep,but not wanting to dream of those I miss.Waking with a heavy heart as Christmascreeps ever closer, filled with memoriesof family traditions and celebrations,gone, not to be repeated.Yet, there…

Holiday Grief Amnesia-forgetting every year how your body and mind are overtaken by the underlying grief that roars to life as the holidays, Christmas for me, draw near. The first Christmas after Mike died was overwhelming as I could not escape the expectation of happiness that the holidays are supposed to bring. Every time I went to the store, Christmas carols would play, and it would be decked…

I see you in the shadows cast by the sun through the leaves,in the ethereal clouds gliding along the blue sky.I feel you in the soft breeze of the butterfly’s wings,in that wisps of air that envelopes me.You speak to me in the soft summer rainand the birdsong that greets me in the morning.Your spirit, no longer confined by skin and bones,or the weight of physical and psychic pain,is finally free…

The Brain and Grief Buried deep within the Mariana Trench of my mindstirs the deep grief that only dislodges itselfduring the darkness of nightin the dreams that haunt my sleep,leaving me worn and broken in the morning light.In the recesses and crevices, you are alive again,healthy and strong,only to be swept away by the realitythat you are still dead.And so, the waves flow back and forth,alive…

I thought life was a play,with the script composedfor the role I was to inhabit.Designated stage directionswere set for me to followfor my life to work out seamlessly.All that was required was for me tohit my assigned marks:education, career, marriage, children,for the production to be a success.But others refused toperform their parts,changing the scene,or departing before the play was…

Grief is a lonely place to live. Each death that touches our lives changes us and our place in the world. Parents, spouses, children, partners, and friends each hold a special place in our hearts that is ripped open with their passing. We always wish for one more moment, conversation, or touch, knowing it will never be enough. Our heart is stitched back together, but the thread is never strong…

Inspired by Mary Catherine McDonald, PhD The trials of this worldand the grief that it leaves in its wakeoften blots out the beauty that still exists.But joy can still be found in the simple moments of the day.A bunny hopping across the backyard in search of food.The hummingbird as it flutters from flower to flower.Cumulus clouds painted pink at the close of the day.The voice of a friend who…

“Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.” Depression is an unwelcome visitor that comes unbidden when you least expect it. This past February through June, my depression, which had been under control for years, came back with a vengeance. It took me time to recognize it, thinking it was related to other chronic conditions that I suffer from. I finally contacted my psychiatric nurse…

July 24th marks three years since my dad died, but the wound still feels fresh. It is compounded by the fact that my mom died six months and a day before my dad. Losing both parents in such a short period was devastating because they were the only people who knew me from the beginning of my life. They were my foundation, teaching me by the way they lived their lives, how to be a caring and…

When the days seem dark, sweetheart,and you feel like you are barely holding on,remember, you’ve been here before.The seaweed twisting around your ankles,trying their best to pull you under.Your mighty struggle brought youto the point of exhaustion,with your arms flailing, barely holding your head above water.It was only when you stopped resistingthat you let the sea carry you, finally able to…

“Perfect is the enemy of good,” attributed to Voltaire How did that sneaky voice slip into my head,telling me that perfection was attainable?Was it years of hearing, “practice makes perfect”that stopped me in my tracks when I longed tobreak out of the expected,keeping me caged in conformity?Could it have been apprehensionof what other people might think or say?It was a slow journey,fighting…

When I look in the mirror, and uncap the lipstick,carefully applying the bright red to my lips,I picture my mother looking back at me.She was not one to fuss with makeup,but always applied her lipstick with care.Even as she faded with age, her lips blazed.And I, who always wore muted colored gloss if anything,now boldly wear true red in honor of my mother,shining my light for the world to see.

Walking along the garden path,wrapped in the warm spring breezeand anointed by the sweet nectarof flowers that are on displaywith their dazzling colorsbegging me to draw neareras the bees, butterflies, and hummingbirdsfeast on the seasonal harvest.The birds, often hidden from view,rejoice in song from bushes, trees, and cacti,calling out to each other,as they embrace the warmth of the sunand the…