#missing dad

Rhoe: Stable duty

Aedion: *15 yr old pain in the ass*

Adarlan Officer: I'm going to break all your fingers, twice

Aedion: *20 yr old pain in the ass*

Aelin: You're no better than a dog

Rowan: Don't be rude to your Queen

Lysandra: Get your act together

Gavriel: I'm so proud of my son and sorry that I missed out on his life.

TOG: ...

Dad’s farewell. Memorial Service. Miss him so.

Watched it with Dad on one of those channels that just shows old shows. I remember wondering why a show that's supposed to be funny has those opening credits. There are upsetting scenes I remember so viscerally, mirrored by amazing comedy in the same episode.

Looking back I think M*A*S*H might be the thing that made me understand the dichotomy of comedy and tragedy and how neither can exist without the other.

Or I just really miss Dad right now. I ususally do while making big decisions. The last thing I have to do for these two doctoral program applications is the personal statement.

Dear Gabe,

  Do I still say dad? I don't even know. Bella still asks about you. Not as often but she does. She misses you still. I show her old pictures and we still talk about you. You really did make a damn good impression on that little girl. Hell, what am I saying. Up until the very end you made one on me too. I think that's what broke my heart the most. The truth is I still wake up sometimes and I want to go find you because I miss you. I miss our talks. I miss watching you with Bella. I miss it all. I remember one night I was sitting up because I couldn't sleep and I was pregnant with Bella. I was staring out the window and I was thanking god for you. I knew that if I wasn't here in New York with you I wouldn't have been happy. I knew that finding you those years ago saved my life.

Do I miss Nancy Scott? Hell no I don't. She put me through hell for fifteen years. You really did save me from her and her husband. You made my life in New York and beyond possible and I can't thank you enough for that. I've been through so much that you don't know about. Yeah I moved to California. You probably know that much. California was definitely good for my career. California sent me to London for a while and London was wonderful but the truth was I missed New York. With that being said I'm home. I'm in the house I had before. It's hard not to miss you here because you're everywhere but this is home. I not only miss you but I miss the menagerie of animals. I miss all the little things too. You've missed a relationship or two in my life.

Da--Gabe.. Bella's so big and she's starting school this year. You've missed so much in her life and in mine and it sucks. When I got here just before my sixteenth birthday I thought it was forever. It felt like forever. I had the family I had dreamed of. You were taken from me so young and then you took yourself from me but from Bella. She's old enough to really understand holidays now and it's the cutest thing. You know every Christmas she still gets you a gift in case she gets to see you again. Or she'll make you a card or something for Father's day because you made such an impact on her small life. I don't stop her because it's something she wants to do. I don't stop her because you still mean so much to her. You still mean so much to both of us.

Oh and.. You missed another milestone. Bella's going to be a big sister. It's still early and she will be finding out soon but yeah another baby is on the way. And because of me and because of your strong willed granddaughter this baby will know about you too. I know you probably won't ever see this but thank you for saving me. Thank you for being here for me while you were. I still miss you. I still love you.. I hope you're doing well for yourself. Maybe one day we'll cross paths again.