Jun 27
(via “Sissy, Don’t Do Nothing Bad.” Her Final Warning, Her Final Love)
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(via “Sissy, Don’t Do Nothing Bad.” Her Final Warning, Her Final Love)
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In memoriam. Missing mom
Just in the other room…
My mom passed away 14 years ago this December. In some ways, it feels like yesterday. There are a few memories of that December I still carry with me. In other ways though, I can feel those 14 years as a distance. And converting those 14 years into distance, it reaches all the way to the moon. Occasionally though, that distance is shortened at night while I sleep. Every now and then, my…
Dreaming of Mom
In the night you visit my dreamsSitting next to your gravestone,Alert and at peace.You gather me into your arms,Just like when I was a child,Holding me gently, comforting me,Telling me I’ll be okay.The tears slip down my cheeksAs I rest my head against your bosom,Feeling safe and shattered at the same time.The ether of the dream evaporates,Leaving me alone in my bed,My face wet, wanting to hold…
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"And there comes a day when you hear yourself talking like her, cooking like her, scolding like her, singing like her, teaching like her, dancing like her, writing like her, crying like her.
And there comes a day when those giant shoes that you tried on so much fit, and you can walk in their footprint.
And with each step you understand everything you ever criticized. And you understand the limits, the challenges, the anger, the worries, the fears.
And you are grateful that she was there, accompanying you closely, caring, watching.
And you appreciate their efforts, their sacrifices, their time. There comes a day when you look in the mirror and see it. Because for a few months we were inside her but she will always be inside us."
Hey mom, I know the one year anniversary of your passing is coming up, and I know your looking down at me and dad and I know you are happy and I know you know we miss you a lot, and honestly there are some times when I am like what would mom do and there is not a day I do not think about you, and honestly I do not know how I’m managing to pull through writing this as it’s hard and I’m crying 😢 writing this but I know your in a better place with auntie and grandma but me and dad, we ain’t fighting as much as we used to, funny how that works it takes someone close to us both for us to realize we better not fight, I only wish I spent more time with you than what i did especially the final couple of years you were with us, I remember finding out when you passed it felt like my heart was being ripped out, because I never thought it would be you because you were the baddest woman I know and you did not let anyone tell you different but anyway I know your listening I had a song made for you, but I know your looking down at me and dad and your proud of how far we’ve come but I’d like to say a quote really quick “Although death has taken you very far away from me Dear mother, you will always be there in my heart, soul & empathy. My heart still pines for you, my eyes are still wet, yearning for you, Oh mother dear...every day, every moment a lot I miss you..... You were my friend, a sturdy support & a guide in disguise” and I also wanna quote the famous Lost poem “When I lost you, I lost myself too, I feel lost and alone and I don't know what to do It's a never ending nightmare of pain, that feels like nails are being driven into my heart and then pulled out again. Night and day the prevailing thought in my head is that you're dead I know I will never get over it, but somehow I have to get through it I take small steps through the darkness guided by my grieving heart, time and distance have disappeared as I've been torn apart The grief road is so long as it stretches lifelong so it's hard to carry on and to be strong I know l'll be lost until I find you, so l look for you everywhere, I know you're there I just can't see you Sometimes I stop and stare because I think I've seen you, but it's just someone who looks like you I look at your photos willing your eyes to give me a clue, It's so hard to accept that l've lost you I would walk endless miles through wind and rain and back again I would climb mountains, walk through deserts and sail on stormy seas, I would walk until I fell to my knees For every mile I would shed a tear and for every year I would endure the pain, If only I could find you again”
I miss you mom.....
Loving daughter,
Keira 🥺
P.S. y’all don’t worry I’m fine, I really am I’m not gonna do nothing stupid just had to get this out there as it was bothering me the past couple of nights like how I was gonna word this and stuff don’t worry, I’ll tell y’all when I’m not I promise and I know it’s not something I’d normally write but I had to get this out there
Dear Mom,
I wish you could be here to see all that we’re becoming and how our family continues to grow. You always wanted a house full of grandchildren and now that you would, you aren’t here. That fact, that harsh reality, it breaks me some days. It sometimes feels like sandpaper on my heart. My hope, our hope, is that you can see it from eternity and that you have the best view possible.
I miss you, Mom. I wake up each day and I miss you. It’s just as strong as the first day I had to wake up knowing you wouldn’t. The ache of missing you doesn’t dissipate like everyone promised it would, it simply shifts in weight and power. It’s always there, this constant missing piece, this constant hole in every piece of my future, this shadow in place of the spot you always occupied– now empty and dark.
Your death changed me– it changed everything. I’m not the same woman I once was– I’ve been shattered by grief and eventually rebuilt by faith. Faith became complicated after you passed, in fact I thought I had none. Eventually I learned it was only being challenged but that road, that confusion, it held onto me for far longer than I’m proud to admit. Grief can be a powerful manipulator if you let it— and sadly, I let it.
Life is so catastrophically different without a mother, especially one who left so soon, so young.
I have a million things I want to say to you, a million questions that remain unasked and stories that you never had the chance to tell, but more than anything, I hope you’re proud of me. That’s the goal and mission I wake up with each and every day– to make you proud. To ensure you’re never forgotten and that people still say your name. To ensure that your legacy and your influence live on through me and everyone who knew you. Some days that responsibility is heavy, some days it’s freeing.
You are the greatest woman I’ve ever known. Every beautiful and meaningful piece of who I am and what I do is because of you. Thank you for being the kind of mother not every daughter is blessed to have.
I love you, Mom— near or far, together or apart, earth or eternity. I love you.
xox, Chels
Happiness, Hope & Harsh Realities