don't even talk to me until my death is avenged

the scene when she's talking to Cat on the balcony and says that she knows it wasn't exactly her fault and her brain was altered, but that it brought something inside of her out that was horrible and scared people and now she's afraid she's never going to win people back was just...so real? also, the scene when she woke up and felt horrified at what she'd done and described it as terrifying. when you deal with mood-altering mental illness, sometimes you find yourself doing things that don't feel like you, whether that's a deep-down part of you in the moment, or how you feel once you're more yourself, but that you know have hurt people or changed their perspective of you, and that's so scary. to know that that can happen to you. and to know that it might not be entirely your fault, but you're still the one who's going to have to fix it once you're you again. that you're still responsible even if you're not completely to blame.

and i loved Cat's response about it not being easy, but also not being impossible, and how she personally doesn't believe in failure, "as long as you get back up and face the music."

just. what a wonderful message to those of us who struggle with any mental illness that causes bouts of depression, mania, delusion, paranoia, anything. how real and complicated it is, and how hopeful.

and to have Kara, the epitome of what is good and wholesome and optimistic, struggle with this. the message that sends to me, personally, about how your struggles do not make you a bad person, but facing the music, taking responsibility and building back that trust — that means more. just. ugh. it's good.