No Soup For You!

november 2020 kinda holds the same weight as summer 2020. a moment in a year that i will never forget. as a collective, we were all impacted. as an individual, certain days will forever be etched in my mind. i covered the George Floyd funeral. that was my first time at a funeral. i had sleepless nights over Breonna Taylor and cried when the verdict was reached. bawled. that was summer 2020.

november 2020 was bittersweet. i had the best conjunction function. it was the perfect sunday brunch celebrating my graduation and birthday. it was sweet. ten days later...my grandfather died. add the bitter. my world was forever changed. something closed. four days later, I walked across my fireplace as we celebrated my virtual graduation. it was sweet. i made it. a funeral happened. bitter. a bought myself a new gift. sweet.

here we are now. january 2021. i sit thinking how my last two months of an unforgettable year shaped me for today. i learned that through pain greatness is birthed. I learned how to accept a loss and forever remember nothing lasts forever. i chose partners to help me grieve decade ended. i felt the portal closing. 

a phone call tonight made me realize i went into hiding. i shut myself off from the world. in the name of grief of course. i was fighting any and every body. i wasn’t stable nor was i ground. i was dosing and functionally overdosing. this phone call made me realize I shut off my friends. I ghosted my socials. i tweeted. i snapped. i moved low-key because I was in grief. i was in pain at night but bright eyed under the light of social media. i was faking it. i was falling apart. i had to step back. 

november 2020 holds the same weight as summer 2020. a moment in a year that i will never forget. that phone call though. that phone call made me realize that although they both weigh the same I am not obligated to carry either. I am leaving both in the wildest year i've seen so far. i am unloading myself. this is my one year. a start of a new decade. no longer am i bag lady. this pretty little bird is flying high. january is back. january is back with her new and old joints. (read: tings) january’s joints. I am honestly thankful to be here. back in my creative space. back in my creative bag! 

ttyl,

and we’re back ladies and gentlemen. the saga that is jay and b. but how the f*ck did we wind up in this situation? during the beginning of this pandemic i reached out to him. i wanted to check in because he works in a hospital. boom. door was opened. we were great. we are good now. we talk daily and we have walks in the park. sometimes i get a bit crabby when i feel he’s not being attentive. but it passes. at this present moment, we’re good. 

no lies told, i still talk to the fine old man but it’s nothing but flirts. no true action. he keeps me entertained but i don’t take him seriously. my mind always wanders to b. and that’s where my feet want to carry me. and my heart wants to lay. however, i...whew...i honestly don’t fully trust it. i question if i could actively invest in his situation. i question if the man is worth the shit he comes with. i question everything. but at this present moment, we’re good. 

but we’re not but we are. during our walks, we have these intimate conversations. the layers peel away. the energy is raw. and the emotions feel tangible. in nature, we exhale amongst ourselves and the trees. secrets we only share. in those moments, im naked and showing vulnerability. then it’s his turn to share and when he’s reminded of things that pissed him off i can feel his rage. i take his emotions in that present moment, but we’re good.

we’re good because at this moment we are friends. that, being friends, im perfectly fine with because he’s still apart of my life. im fine with it now. now that it’s summer and im focusing on other things. like graduation. our friendship is blooming. there’s no static in between. and this time it’s going well because we’ve established boundaries. sometimes i may fuss and get on his ass for lack of communication but i reel myself back in. boundaries. that fucking b word. 

presently and with plenty of boundaries. we’re good.

xx

the world has been on quarantine for about three weeks now. it’s weird. it’s panic. it’s like a movie that you’re watching play out in your reality. people are panicked. but me...im at an unshakeable peace. im enjoying this journey. can’t complain about what i can’t control. and it’s literally necessary time for me. 

the first week i drank alot. like to maybe wake up and it’s not happening. kinda like when i woke up on my birthday to donald trump as the president. it has to be a weird episode of the simpsons right? but unfortunately it is not. i can’t lie. i was waiting on the spring to be a pop out queen. oh but now. now im a quarantine queen.

ive been chatting with b. and porsche guy recently hit me up. and ive been crushing on an old man. a fine old man. communication while social distancing is pretty cool. it’s like no one is really ding anything so you have time. but all these guys are essential. b is about to die from exhaustion. as well as the other two. God bless the essential workers. they are putting in like triple time. 

this quarantine life can be and is definitely filled with the unknown. im just here trusting the process and praying to be a better person after this. it’s a healing space. moments to breathe when unclarity sets in. no need to rush or feign business. quarantine life is a quiet life. bless the essential workers. enjoy the journey. 

xx,

silence has been golden. silence has also been a teacher. quietness has allowed me to see. rose-colored glasses removed see. things are bright when the glasses are removed. i had honest conversations with myself. questions came in meditation. like real ass questions and those answers left my cheekbones soaked. tears in the rain.

i became more enlighted. i realized this “love” i thought ran deep for the single letter, was only, if not less than lust from occasional orgasms and lacked attention. wow right? fucking wow. that and many other honest answers left me naked. body pressed against my yoga mat. exiting through exhales.

i took a breath. the coolness surrounded my flesh. no longer temporarily on hold. slowly nurting myself back to myself. her before the lust-filled orgasms. her who danced alone amongst the palo santo. her who’s eyes shone happy through lens. i took another breath. and rested in the golden silence.

xx,

i think i tried too hard. with b. again. in september, he told me he has a baby on the way. can i tell yall about heartbreak? i can vividly remember everything about that day when i read that grey text. i can feel the emotion. how my chest locked and my body froze in time. i remember the weather. it rained all day. and i remember because i cried all day. then i went to the local seat on a monday and used my vices to smother my sorrows. i remember the drive to his house. intoxicated and rainy. i remember sliding in the bed. holding back my tears and kissing him. i remember the sex and the aftermath. tears filled my ears silently. he told me, “jay, you’re supposed to be strong for both of us.” i remember silently crying again. i don’t remember falling asleep. 

i tried to bury it. that shit ate at me everyday. masked under the lol and ‘can we fuck’ texts. i still find myself thinking about it to this day. having some sort of resentment towards him. i tried to fuck it away, i checked out emotionally and found pleasure through my hips atop his. and overworking myself in the gym. i had to shake it out. i thought i could do it. you know, like be okay. be in his presence. but i had questions that he limited the answers to. i was curious. he...he was broudy. i pictured what his kid would look like. his acutal kid. not our imaginary child with the freckles who’s legs bow like his daddy’s. not ours. but his and hers. a girl. riley. i over thought a lot but i thought (see lol) the orgasms would make me forget. it brought more inquisitiveness. i drank 1835, and jameson, and champagne. oh, and whiteclaws. i drank after noon somedays. i wrapped my thoughts in cannabis. i pushed myself too hard at the gym. i slept. 

a taco tuesday. i remember i didn’t want to go. i wanted to calendar. knit. be a creative. but my stomach was empty for the adderrall earlier in the day. so i obliged. happy hour margaritas. and then the cadillac margarita. and a shot of jameson from an admirer at the bar. i sent texts. ‘can i ride tonight?’ busy was the response. my vices began to impair my sober self. somewhere between the ride home. i exploded. with b. we said words that are always below the belt. we paragraph texted. i cried myself to sleep. i had questions and emotions. they all came out on a taco tuesday. we took a day to breathe. he called me and we said apologetic words. he was done. ‘we can’t be friends.’ i sobbed through the phone. he understood. i cried in the HEB parking lot. the space reserved for women with children. how fucking ironic. that was the end. amicable. i cried again that day. these tears weren’t the usual. these were exhalations. a sort of joy. it wasn’t a happy ending but it was the end. i don’t remember that day too much. just peaceful sleeping.

after the mad nice event, we chatted more during the pauses in our daily schedules. he was charming. my face blushed and the corners of my mouth turned up from the grey texts. we made plans to grab lunch. “i don’t eat meat.” i warned him before we decided on a place. he picked a black-owned vegetarian restaurant. sunshine’s. and we locked in for thursday of that week at 1 pm. we texted more in the days leading up to lunch. thursday came, he confirmed, sent me the address and would meet me there. he arrived a bit earlier than me. i struggled to park in the muddy lot and then met him inside. he was sitting at a table in a gray, slim fit suit with a complimenting tie. i grabbed a menu and walked to the table to greet him. “sorry for ordering before you arrived.” it was no big deal. it was counter service so i jumped in line and placed an order from the cashier’s recommendation. i grabbed my table number and my lemonade and joined him at the table.

he was wrapping up his meal and i still hadn’t received mine. “i think they forgot about me.” i laughed but i was so serious. everyone had their lunch and mine had yet to arrive. i saw some of the staff discussing a misplaced order. my previous restaurant experience helps me notice everything. the gloved food runner dropped off my veggie burger and fries. it was underwhelming but i was more so into the conversation. we discussed halloween, our instagram photos and work. the usual conversation with laughs sprinkled in between. the time quickly passed us by. he had to return to work and i had to head to the radio station in montrose. i boxed up my meal knowing i wouldn’t eat it later. he walked me to my car, we hugged and we drove to our destinations.

everything was seemingly flowing. i headed home to new orleans to celebrate my birthday. when i returned monday, we made plans to netflix and chill later in the week. we agreed on wednesday and i agreed to bring “flowers” to the occasion. i text him on tuesday. “hey. good morning.” no response. that’s odd. i thought. maybe he’s in client meetings. i text him on wednesday to confirm. “hey. good morning.” no response. he’ll probably text back to confirm. i thought. i went on about my day as if everything was confirmed. i wrapped up some flowers and threw them in my bag. i styled myself in some high waist sweat pants and a low back bodysuit. perfect comfort for netflix. i did my daily routine as usual. throughout the day, i checked my phone. no text. wtf? i shook it off. class came and went. no response. i didn’t want to double text. not this time. my gut was letting me know that this was not going to happen.

i texted my cousin and one of my best friends. “I THINK I WAS GHOSTED!” my cousin told me to “take the L.” and my friend told me “FUCK HIM!” my mind was confused. my head began filling itself with excuses. “maybe he’s working a lot. or maybe he lost his phone. maybe someone died. or he died or his mom needs him or blahblahblahblahblah.” i went for a run to shake that shit off. thursday came and went as well as friday. saturday came. still no response.

“did you die?” i texted him saturday evening. between my hangover and no fucks, i had to know. my phone illuminated and his name popped up. 3 new messages stacked. “*crying laughing emojis. im alive and well. we do need to talk.” here we go. i thought. “okay what’s up? are you somebody’s dad, somebody’s bf, somebody’s husband?” i asked needing answers for this bullshit. no response. i hid his alerts, clicked back on my disney+ and laid down. i woke up to a paragraph of grey. he was explaining how he and the girl he told me he was already talking to were getting serious and he asked if we could still be friends. “whew” was the only response i could write in that moment. outwardly, i was literally crying laughing.

i typed and erased three times in the text box. i put my phone face down. i was confused. i sent a screenshot to my cousin. “leave him be.” my cousin replied. okay, but i needed ANSWERS. i curated a less emotional response in my notes and then copied and pasted it to him. i told him that paragraph would’ve been appreciated before i was fucking ghosted and no we cannot be friends if you’re trying to build something with someone else. TF?!? i laughed loudly, shook my head and put my phone down.

i was done. i still am done. that situaton cleared my vision a bit. i mean, yes, he did tell me he was talking to someone, however it was way more serious than he made it out to be to me. he made a statement before this incident, saying he was “a man of his word”, and we see how that went. i guess no word is still a word. this whole thing could have and should have been communicated more clearly for all parties involved. i’m just so thankful i was ghosted sooner than like months into whatever this isn’t now. the scorpio me would have been like daenerys riding through king’s landing. no fucks given.

xx,

i acquired some tickets to this reverse brunch event. by the dozens hosted by mad nice events. two tickets but only me. i hit up like five of my friends but they were all unavailable. it was the prettiest day in houston and i couldn't miss out on this day. i also agreed to babysit the same day so i knew i couldn’t drink too much. i doubled checked the time and the event was at 4pm. perfect. i had enough time to swing by the event, take a few photos, drink and then head to watch someone else’s children.

i was finally dressed by 4:30pm. i would get to the event by 5:07pm. i pulled up to the venue. right next to white oak music hall. i found a spot to parallel park and struggle to fit the tiny civic in there. i saw him while i was struggling to park. he was kinda holding me up until he passed. i finally parked and headed into the event. i checked in and introduced myself to the person who gave me the tickets. i grabbed a jameson and coke and took some photos. i grabbed a seat at this blue picnic table. he walked over and introduced himself. during our conversation, i was hoping he would sit at the table because my neck was hurting from looking up at him. he sat on the bench across from me. he told me he was meeting his friend here. she was five minutes away during our whole conversation. we laughed about cpt. we chatted. and drank. i grabbed us some donuts to share as we continued the questions. it felt like an impromptu date. in that moment, i was thankful none of my friends weren’t available and his friend was late. i grabbed us another round of drinks. two drinks for you. no, i grabbed one for you also. he was shocked i brought him a drink. southern hospitality i smirked. he was from california. the best coast. the clock was ticking for me.

he asked what i was doing after this event. i regrettably stated i had to babysit. side conversations distracted our conversation. i rushed them. giggled and turned back to him. the 80s sweater was intriguing and the conversation kept me at ease. the sun was setting and i removed my ray bans from my face. you’ve been hiding those eyelashes the whole night. he asked. i blushed. the clocking was fucking ticking. fuck i thought. the best night to have to end. the prettiest day in houston was paying off. people sat and ate at the blue picnic table. we were wrapped in our own little bubble. one guy who sat was from new york. ten months in. we talked about the different cultures and him getting acclimated to houston. he stepped away to find the restroom and i engaged in conversation with new york. he appreciated the little things about the south. i shared my drink tickets with him. he grabbed me a mimosa also. he sat back at the blue picnic table. i poured my mimosa in my jameson cup and sipped. he asked if it was a good combination and i affirmed. time was ticking. 

your friend is never coming. i laughed. internally it was a good thing. the night continued. the dj was spinning good vibe after good vibe. we discussed music preferences and our appreciation for summer walker. he invited me to church but i let him know i had a nail appointment at that time so we planned for brunch. he asked for my number and texted me his name and instagram. i laughed. i didn’t save his number right away. i scrolled through his ig as he headed to the bathroom again. 24 posts and it was just enough to curate his image. athletic. greek. church. family guy. with each sip, i was regretting saying yes to this babysitting gig. i mapped the eta. thirty-two mintues. the clock read 7pm. i gave myself a bit of extra time. we chatted a bit more. 715pm. i made another pit stop then sat back down at the blue picnic table. i pulled my denim jacket across my shoulders. im gonna head out. i said. he said he would leave in a few. we hugged and i walked to my car. i thanked the event organizers for a wonderful event. cinderella was headed to work.

we talked during my hours as a guardian. an hour and a half of phone conversation. i was a bit tipsy from the liquor settling in. i also had a cinnamon toast crunch shot before i headed out. we wrapped up the conversation as i drove home. i could’ve talked all night. i hit the shower and fell into bed.

the summer was not for this hot girl. i spent it all teary eyed and sad as shit. I felt like I dealt with A L O T of endings. like every other fucking week someone was not there. that shit felt like death after death. i mean it had some cools as moments but tis all. summer was humbling. it helped be remove some ego. unmask. take off my cool. 

summer’s over though. so fuck that sad ass bitch persona. i was drained and draining. annoyed and annoying. but done. i’m still processing but i’m appreciating the process this time. all in throughout those humbling experiences i was able to grow. painfully but a girl grew. i still had some draining and annoying days but less than before. progress.

these past few months have been humbling. to say the least. whew. i broke. i felt low. the adult timeout. i didn’t know you needed or deserved. but i’ve definitely learned alot. im still learning alot at this point but it’s getting easier. i feel the breakthrough coming. could i have just gotten to the breakthrough though cause the low part was some serious shit. 

i no longer work at the restaurant. which im slightly grateful for because i’ve been wanting to focus on school and my businesses. but the way that shit happened to have me pissed for a few weeks. like shit happens awfully when i try not to be a bitch. so it’s like i have to keep my guard up to not get my feelings hurt, right? so that was some shit but i adulted and played it cool. took it as life happens moment and i definitely learned how to keep cool in that type of experience. growth. 

it’s no gym june and it’s been twenty-two days since my ass burned from morning jogs on the stairmaster. sheesh. my body feels weird. my emotions are raw. i’ve been anxious and irritable and slightly angry when things fell apart. which seemed to happen often this month. and let’s add sober j to that list. no daily tokes of herbs to cool me off. fighting through it. i needed this time away from the gym to examine myself. to just sit and let life happen. the gym is my space to relieve those pent up aggressions. to cry and mask it under the guise of heavily sweating. to sit in a 100+ degree sauna and mediate. breathing and listening to my intuition. fuck. i miss the gym.

it’s the last week of june. i cannot wait to get back to the gym. outside workouts have been nice and all but i’m an a/c and workout kinda gal. june has been kicking my ass. in both postive and life lessons kinda ways. i learned alot about myself. i learned how to let people go. that has been my hardest lesson. but truly to let people go especially after they’ve been honest. boundaries. b o u n d a r i e s. i learned that i can’t hide myself from my friends when my life is falling apart. the real ones are always there checking on me. no matter how much i try to force myself into non-existence. june has given me clarity. my life’s work. i’ve been moving and shaking. the goals have been set. 

i thought it would be easy. on top of no gym june i also gave up meat. whoo. it’s not like this was the first time. but this has been the toughest time. i couldn’t just emotional eat my feelings and then go spend two hours sweating out those same feelings. the balance came from other places. i learned how to depend on me. and ask for help from others in and outside of my circle. i had to put ego aside. a part of me is still battling letting one specfic person go but i think it’s done this time. most likely from our last exchange. june oh june. thank you for kicking my ass. for the fast. for learning how to live with myself on a serious level and preparing me for these next levels. there’s a week left and i can honestly say i am so ready for july. my creative rut/writer’s block is broken. so this last week is a celebration for the trials i’ve endured and passed. for the growth of my life in career and emotional and mental spaces. for allowing myself to trust myself. cheers to june. cheers to the fast. 

xx,

The Shit I Don’t Tell My Therapist

he texted me before he arrived into town for the holiday weekend. i mean he always texts me when he’s in the city. we’ve known each other five years. he approached me when i was working at the bar. he was a real ass New Orleans guy. dreads, thick accent and baby’d me every other word. something about a guy from NO melts my heart. maybe because sometimes i miss my hometown. but i digress...

he’s a smart ass dude. a degree in some type of biotech engineering and a teacher.  but he still had that vibe of protection. may be that’s what drew me to him. the mixture of both. he texted me when the plane landed. his weekend was hella busy because he’s friends with the hottest guy in football these days. we carved out time to meet. my schedule was totally opposite his. i was in bed by 11pm every night during this four-day weekend and he was just getting in when i woke up to start my day. our schedules weren’t aligning but I tried my best to make it work. on top of having a mental/emotional breakdown over the weekend. 

sunday came and so did the alignment of our schedules. i headed over to his rented airbnb downtown and we chatted about our time since we last saw each other. in the middle of his story about his students losing parents, his superstar friend walked down the stairs to inform us he was heading to shake shack. we all just in the car and made our way down Elgin. we ordered our food and sat and ate. his friend was a real jokester. we wrapped up dinner and all headed back to the airbnb.

we continued our conversation. he pulled out his iPhone and began to play some loud ass mumble rapper. it sounded like the song was on repeat. time was starting speed by and I had an early wake up. he scooted closer to me. my body language changed, it’s been five years. he repeated. i laughed. has it really? yes, because that was my first year teaching when we met. he retorted. oh. i smirked. he scooted closer. i crossed my legs. he leaned in for a kiss. my head jerked back. no. i stated emphatically. i told you what was up before i drove over here. but it’s been five years! he whined. i was immediately disinterested. i made up some excuse and he walked me out the garage to the gate. i gave him a church hug and hopped in my honda. 

i lit up the doobie and made a right to hit the freeway that would send me home. i chuckled at the fact of a guy being a guy. maybe he thought he could change my mind. i laughed to myself. i threw the doobie out of the window and turned up the volume on the radio. i texted him i made it home. no response. he was living his best life at the address with his bottles of bellaire and superstar friend. boys will be boys. i thought as i swiped through the IG stories.

xx,

i wasn’t looking for him nor did i truly notice him. i noticed his plaid pants. something about a guy in plaid gives me all the feels. he walked towards the stage when the mc called his name. my sister and her friend were telling me he was a good singer. i sat back against the bench and gave him my undivided attention. s-e-fuckin-x. the crowd sang along with him. my body relaxed into the beat. my ears open and eyes closed as his voice washed through me. for a minute or so i faded in. my head unconsciously nodded along. my soul danced as each breath sung into the microphone. i was awakened by applause from the audience. 

he gave his social media handles. i followed him and slid a dm asking if his music was available on any platforms. thank you babygirl and no im about to let it out tonight. was the response. hmm babygirl. i have this affinity for being called babygirl. i feel its more genuine than being called “queen” but i digress. we exchanged messages through dm and he sent me his number. 601 area. a mississippi nigga. i smirked to myself. a couple days later, during the text exchange we made plans to smoke, talk and listen to music. a whole ass vibe. he sent me his address and i let him know when i was on the way. *cue khalid*

my sense of direction sucks even with maps. i called him to let him know i had arrived. i thought i was llost so i drove to a gas station and he met me there. i followed him back to the place i was. we laughed. i parked my car and slid in the passenger side of his white chrysler. we drove through the hella broken gate and he parked. he broke down the gar and filled it with the flower. amongst the starred sky, we passed the peace pipe and listened to poetry over melodies. i snuck glances as he answered my journalistic questions. my mind was intrigued. my body was warming up. the smoke was encompassing us. 

he’s a genius. inner dialogue. his skin illuminated against the darkness. he was smooth in demeanor and language. the vibes he emitted danced along with mine. his mind seemed to go forever. but it never was reckless chatter. every word that crept out his throat, through his full lips was intended. intention was in everything. his sun augmented my moon. he became inspiration. a muse. i lost myself in my thoughts about him. he passed me the blunt and the aux cord. it was my time to shine. the first song i played was easy by anna wise and xavier omar. we chilled a bit into my playlist. he drove me back to my car. khalid’s talk came through as he pulled up to the civic. we said our goodbyes. i draped my denim jacket over my shoulders and leaned in for a hug. i kissed him on the cheek. baby steps. inner dialogue. i really wanted...i digress. i dropped into the driver side and clicked my safety belt. i drove down OST in awe with a mind full of unanswered questions. 

xx,

i spent a few days in la. k’s thirtieth birthday and i couldn’t miss it. coincidentally, 22 was celebrating his birthday the same weekend. my pisces friends. i chose k. a new fucking decade. i had been chatting with j a few weeks before my arrival. actually, like a few months. it had been years. the bitch in me wanted to flake on him so fucking hard. i mean like what could we possibly have to discuss? would he throw sexual advances? what are we gonna do? my anxious mind wandered and wandered. i inhaled some rolled flowers and drifted.

i booked my car and struggled to decide between a hotel or an airbnb. i chose the airbnb after a lot of indecision. a nice, never been rented one bed/one bath in long beach. i rented a cute off white fiat and cruised down the 405 and a lot of other highways to my destination. no lie, the fiat was kinda hanky. the airbnb and its host made up for my steve urkel vehicle. the host showed me around and told me to ring him if i had any questions. 

i sunk into the couch contemplating on my meal. as always, i was starving. from lax to lbc there was no food or water in my sight, another fault of my indecision. i texted j and 22 to let them both know i was on the pacific coast. j hit me back first. i told him of my hunger pangs and yelped for food. i found a mcdonalds. i mean of course, it’s not the best decision but a bitch was starving. 

i hopped in my fiat and made my way 3 blocks. i grabbed a kids meal and a soda. nothing healthy. j told me he was on his way. cool. i ate and watched reruns of martin on bet. he texted me he was near and looking for parking. i mean it was a tiny non permitted street. i walked outside to assist him. i looked for his car. i saw the break lights turning back up the street. 

he rolled down the passenger side of his white porsche cayenne. i double blinked and blinked again. hmm. inner dialogue. he told me we were going to a bar. i protested because i was literally dressed in lululemon align ii tights and an oversized shirt. plane clothes. i was not feeling the out vibe. but i exhaled and moved with flow. i ran back in my airbnb to grab my purse and locked the double gate. i slid in the passenger side of the cayenne and buckled my seatbelt. here we fucking go...

after driving around for a spot we found one. it happened to be college night. i was definitely underdressed but he urged me inside. breathe jay. i went with the flow. i ordered the first round. my favorite shot of jameson with a coke back. he drank a jack and coke. we stood outside talking and he smoked. i relaxed. the jameson was starting to warm me up under California’s cool air. he ordered another round and while he was away these two guys started chatting with me. i wasn’t interested and i was dressed like a cute homeless woman. he came back and they backed off a bit. he told me the delay was due to his conversation with a bouncer. we left and headed to an irish bar. 2chainz was the background noise. rap or go to the league had just dropped. we pulled up and he switched off the white horse. another bar some more rounds. i drank way more than i anticipated.

between the car and drive home i was out of there. i fell in the dirt as i made my way back to my rented apartment for the weekend. some where along the way i vomited, on myself and a little in the porsche. i laughed at myself. i overdrank to relax and now i’m a fucking hot mess. we got inside and i passed out. i woke up to my alarm and the sun poking through the blinds. he was still asleep. i woke him up and ask for the night’s details. he shook his head. i looked at my underdressed body. did sex happen? i asked laughing. no. he stated and dozed back off. murmuring something about my drunk ass. i was hung the fuck over. 

he left and headed back to his side of the coast. i painstakingly moved from the bed to the couch. i searched yelp for a greasy meal. i showered and hopped in my fiat to the location. it was a super cute outside place with eateries. i ordered a waffle, nashville chicken and OJ. i headed back and devoured the food. i texted him apologies for throwing up in the car and not being my best self. i slept the day away until it was time for K’s party. next time, please don’t take me out in plane clothes. i texted. he agreed. until my next visit.

xx,

santa and i have been communicating more lately and what a relief i was feeling from being put on ice. i cannot lie. i missed this man. i kicked myself since that day for choosing the toxicity of b over him. in hindsight, the bad was so familiar i stuck with the comfortableness. joni mitchell did say “you don’t know what you got til it’s gone.” i think when he literally cut me off is when i finally found the space to heal. it was a reminder of what i really wanted and it wasn’t toxic. 

anyway, we were back to texting. babysteps. inner dialogue. it was the night before my trip to la. i had finished an aka hosted event and wanted to see him. but i couldn’t ask him because last time we texted i told him i’ll stop asking. that was more so my emotional response from him always saying no. i texted him some shit about whether or not my grams would go bad. it was like an around the way statement to ask him. you have to ask me bc i can’t ask you anymore. a text i sent to him. to smoke? he questioned. yes. he told me to come through but he had to wake up early. cool. my response. a smile grew across my high cheekbones. i was chester the cat grinning but a lot less creepy. then i checked myself because i remembered last time. he told me yes and five minutes away he rescheduled because he was tired. chill j. accept this and go with the flow. inner dialogue. i was already dressed from the event so i threw on my sneakers and headed out. 

my heart was beating double time. i kept him updated on my every move to make sure he wouldn’t fall asleep. i pulled up and exhaled. it had been awhile since i was in that suburban cul de sac. i parked my car and did a few more inhales and exhales.  here. i texted him. i nervously waiting on the cobblestone walkway in front of his double glassed doors. i heard the door unlock and he pulled it open. hi santa. hi j. we embraced. i exhaled. we walked to the living room couch and sat down. i looked around and smiled. he was watching the end of an nba game. we talked about whether harden or giannis is a better mvp choice and other sports things. **when i tell y’all this is even giving me like happy chills while writing about this man** he broke down the gar and twisted up the swisher. ready? he asked. i shook my head. he grabbed his mac and we went outside to smoke. 

i love his backyard. since the first time i stepped foot back there. it’s the perfect place to sit, chill and enjoy the night. i remember him telling me he didn’t really sit on the benches the first time. he lit the fire pit and set up his mac. we talked about our shows. OUR shows. game of thrones. westworld (which i finished alone). you. this was the moment. this is what i had been waiting for. sun salutations. meditations and prayers. this was it. i snuck glances as we conversed and blew smoke. the dimple in the left side of his cheek as he smiled. his 6ft something-ness in a hoodie to keep warm. i was high school crushing and living in the moment. he told life stories from our time apart. he made me laugh. he was comfortable. he was highly missed. 

i couldn’t keep still. partly because it was cold partly because i needed the bathroom. do you mind if i use your bathroom? i asked. he laughed. yes. do you think i was gonna say no? i laughed and went to relieve this liquid. i smiled and laughed in the bathroom. fuck j. this happened. this was it. i wanted to happy cry but i saved my tears for my nightly prayers. i washed my hands and made my exit. we wrapped up the night. i thanked him for the time. it was greatly appreciated as always. he walked me to the door and we hugged. i inhaled. i walked through those double glassed doors and down the cobblestone walkway to my car. my heart was full. thank you santa. thank you God. 

xx,