ilikepie2000's DC alt

Clark: "Oh good I'm losing my mind." *yanks Bruce in*

Clark, exhausted, rocking a wailing Jon: "Lois had an emergency and I really need your help because no matter what I do he won't stop crying."

Bruce, rubbing his temples: "Uhh."

Clark: "Well?"

Bruce, glaring at him: "Well? Well what?"

Clark: "You've had so many kids!"

Bruce: "None of them were ever babies! Call me back in eight years!"

Both of them flinched as Jon wailed louder.

Clark, in despair: "I'm calling Diana."

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Diana, with lasso clenched in Jon's hand: "Why do you cry, little one?"

Jon: *still shrieking and sobbing*

Diana, looking up at them both: "This usually works."

---------------------------

Barry, hands on his knees as he examined Jon: "Maybe he's in pain?"

Bruce glared at Barry as Clark panicked, hands messing up hair.

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Oliver, cooing: "Uncle Ollie's got this lil' guy, you just need some white noise." *turns on his playlist*

Jon:*screaming now*

Bruce: "You're completely useless."

--------------------------------

Hal: "What's going on in here?" *elbowing his way into the crowded room*

Bruce: "Busy right now, Jordan." *frantically going through scientific articles*

Hal stared in horror at the child, who J'onn and Arthur are negotiating with while vigorously rocking the screaming toddler: "Jeez, what the hell are you two doing?" *conjures a giant green rattled and shakes it*

Jon, utterly transfixed abruptly stops crying. Clark raises his head off the table the second the sound stops, relieved.

Hal: "Want to see something even cooler?" *makes a plane and has it fly around*

Jon, reaching out to it, smiling a little despite the tears. Half the room isn't breathing.

Hal, grinning: "That's right little man, it is cool. So guys, seriously, why are we all in here?"

The League, as the small plane vanishes: "Don't stop!"

Batman’s adoption problem isn’t just genetic, it’s contagious and there are so many time travel/dimension shenanigans to work through here, as well as an unsettling number of secret bio kids, and Jason is one more “wait, where did they come from” away from tearing out his hair so he finally decides the rest of his plan can wait. He needs answers.

He’s not going to go ask Batman for anything, obviously, so someone else will have to do. There are many great potential options here, but my pick? Hal Jordan.

(Green Lantern 2023 #10)

Hal Jordan, underlining something on his clipboard: “Name a weakness.”

Bruce: “All of my questions sound like insults.”

Hal:

Bruce:

Hal: “…can you give an example?”

But why isn't there more of Bruce Wayne having to go 'fuck it' and Go Batman In Civvies?

Like Brucie Wayne is your civilian hostage doing his best big, dumb and useless impression.

Members of the Justice League come in but keep getting incapacitated/captured.

Finally a hero is about to die and Bruce Wayne just sighs heavily because apparently he has to fucking do this himself.

Several members of the Justice League just like-

"Holy shit, Bruce Wayne just bit a guy he's gonna get himself killed. Oh shit, actually he just kicked that guy's kneecap in- oh what the fuck, did he just dislocate his thumb to get out of his zipties?"

"Am I insane or are you guys also seeing Bruce Wayne wipe the floor with armed criminals? Where the fuck did he- did he just pull that batarang out of his sock???"

He rounds on them with Hal's Lantern Ring that he just pulled out of an unconscious guys pocket and brandishes it like an angry mom who just found contraband in their kids room.

Bruce, so pissed he reverts to lingo he's heard his children use: I cannot BELIEVE you barged in here and let these amateurs just...just...YOINK your ring!!

GL, sputtering: Wh- I didn't- they didn't yoink it-

Bruce: they yoinked it, Hal! Straight up yoinked it!!!

GL: How do you know my name?!

Jason, frantically trying to stop the bleeding: Tim I think you have other things to worry about right now

Tim: Yeah, like how poorly this spear was designed. I mean if you're gonna use a spear at least make it a good one. The wood they used is a terrible choice, the spear head is incredibly impractical

Jason: Well considering it's going through your abdomen right I think it's doing it's job. I think it hit some vital organs. Probably your spleen

Tim: Oh that's not possible I don't have one of those

Red Hood : I used to have another name, before... A long time ago. But that person is dead now. I get to choose for myself now, they can't take that from me. I won't let them.

Goon: Huh.

***

Random Goon: Say boss, why do you never take off your shirt in front of us?

Red Hood: Well uh, I actually have that really fucked scar on my chest and I'm not comfortable with...

Random Goon: Don't worry boss, we get it, you don't have to explain yourself to us.

***

Red Hood, high on some toxin: God, I wish my family...

Random Goon (on boss-sitting duty): why not try reaching out to them?

Red Hood: They would never accept me as I am now... They wouldn't agree with my so-called "life choices". Besides, they don't miss me, they miss the person they think I used to be... I wasn't even a man when I last saw them.

Random Goon: Damn boss, that sucks.

***

He's doing pre-med and keeps nagging his siblings to go to college too (Cass, Tim), Duke is the one who spends more time with him bc everyone else is nocturnal and sleep through the day, but Jason likes to drive Duke to his classes and pick him up so they can have lunch together, Damian had a hard time at first, because Jason speaks every language that he speaks and all bat related things have to stay at the cave, his league training didn't prepare him for a civilian brother.

During an attempted kidnapping during one of the Wayne galas, Jason's whole plan almost gets blow up because one of the guys has taken a woman hostage and his Red Hood fried brain just pounced on the dude with all his might, wrestled him for the gun and kept him stuck under his boot with the gun pointed between the guys brows.

He had to pretend to be scared when Batman came to the rescue and act like he didn't know how to handle a gun.

Do the sources claiming Y have a vested interest in doing so?

Are they working on outdate information, while source claiming Y is basing its claim on more recent research?

etc

At some point Bruce kisses him as superman after a rescue and Clark is emotionally going through it coz his boyfriend kissed another guy. Even if that guy is technically him he's still mad and jealous of himself somehow coz even superman can't compete with Superman. He's not even sure whether or not to confronted Bruce about his affair since it keeps happening.

While he's trying to figure all this out Batman,of all people, kisses him. And he does it so casually. Sure, Clark had a crush on him for a while but he's over it now and he's in a committed relationship that he thought batman knew about. Now he's extra scared of confronting Bruce because he doesn't want it to look like he's just starting a fight so he can be with batman. And he's still hoping there's a way to work through this and for them to be together. He's being haunted by his moral code to just talk about this and get it over with but he's still afraid of losing Bruce and living in the shadow of the idolized version of himself again.

*Meanwhile in the batcave*

La la la Bruce, twirling around liking a fairy princess living his best life: my boyfriend's the best and every thing is perfect. Maybe world peace is real. Is this what happiness feels like?

He’s Red Hood, and he has the literal Bat of Gotham standing behind him like a wall of muscle. They’re as close to invincible as humans get, in this town. And that kind of confidence scares off their would-be mugger.