Jam Tart

“And Beard is good, but only book good, not growing up watching it good,” Jeff pipes up. Both of them getting a round of agreeing murmurs.

It’s quiet for a second, then Sam says: “I am also glad he came back. I really did not think he would and I would not have blamed him. As much as I love you all now, that first year was truly awful. No one has ever made me feel as bad about myself as you did.”

Next to him, Jamie winces. He’s proud of who has become, but it never stops the sharpness of the guilt he feels whenever anyone mentions how he used to be. He’s grateful for all the bridges he has re-built, but he knows he cannot erase what burned those bridges in the first place.

“I’m still so sorry ‘bout that, mate,” he says, pulling his head up from where he’s laying upside down on the couch so he can look at Sam, show him that he means it. “You didn’t deserve any of that shit and it were a shit fucking thing to do. Getting bullied is the fucking worst.”

Sam frowns, which is not the reaction Jamie had hoped for and he tenses up at the scathing reply that must be imminent. It’s probably going to be fucking shit. The underlying hurts coming back up and fucking it all up again. However, instead Sam says: “You say that like you got bullied.”

Jamie blinks for a few seconds, before he slumps back down. His neck and abs are starting to burn from keeping the position. Looking back at the screen where Richard is losing to Colin, he shrugs: “I mean, yeah, I did.”

“You? You got bullied?” Now Colin is saying that, sounding skeptical and Jamie senses that more people aren’t believing him either.

It’s not that any of them think it impossible, but Jamie has always been such a presence at Richmond, such a personality. He just exudes confidence and cockiness that make him feel untouchable, which makes it harder to merge those two in their heads. Even if everyone there had seen the masks Jamie is able to put on, especially after Wembley. However, they also feel like they’ve gotten to know Jamie well enough to know the real him. And that confidence is all natural.

So, Jamie surprises them by laughing: “Yeah, mate, me. I got bullied at basically every team up until Richmond. It happens.”

Dani gets very sad at that. He enjoys when people are friends and has not experienced England in such a way, especially since his introduction to English football was through Ted. He repeats: “It happens?”

“Hey, hey, it’s alright, muchacho,” Jamie assures him, reaching out to hold his hand. “Weren’t like I got bullied for no reason. I were just always the youngest and the best and people don’t like you much for it. And at Man City it was practically nothing, you know. Just stupid hazing stuff that blew over when the next round of lads joined. It weren’t so bad.”

“It happened at Man City? They always seemed more professional than that,” Colin says.

“Nah, mate, def not,” Jamie scoffs. “More like hide it better. Though, it was mostly hazing shit. Like having to clean the showers with a toothbrush or coming out the showers and finding your street clothes gone. Or we’re telling you it’s a fancy dress party when it’s not. Or we make you miss the bus, so gotta get home form the away game alone and coach gives ya an ear full, that sort of shit.”

None of that sounds like practically nothing. In fact, Jamie himself had been pretty awful, but he had mostly kept it to embarrassing others with insults and comments, and tossing dirty clothes to Nate. All shit, but not getting someone in active trouble with coaches who had power over their career.

“That was the mild stuff?” Jeff asks, concerned now.

Jamie, oblivious to all of that as he is, goes to kicking his feet a little over the back of the couch and swiping away some on his phone, before he responds: “Yeah. Why?”

“What was the worse stuff then?” Jeff basically demands, though more squeaks too.

“You know, normal things, like shredding my training kit so I had to pick up extra shifts ‘cause mummy couldn’t afford new ones, which cut into either me school or sleeping time. That was the fucking worst. Oh, and Jimmy once pissed in me bag. That was dead nasty. And it fucked up me essay, so I failed that class. And like the tripping you up, flicking you with wet towels, punches, calling you names, all that shit. A lot of kids can be really fucking creative if your last name is Tartt and your mum had you when she were a teen, y’know?” Jamie tells them as if that is not severely fucking fucked.

There is outrage all around and Jamie startles at the sudden noise, nearly falling off the couch and hauling himself upright to give all of them a wide eyed look. “What the fuck are all of you’se yelling for?”

“Bruv, that’s so not cool,” Isaac says. “That’s like proper fucked, you get that right?”

“Yeah, amigo, that is bad,” Dani agrees.

Richard curses something in French. Or at least, they think it’s a curse with the way he says it. It’s probably one of those things that sounds better in French or something.

Jamie blinks another couple of times and it’s really starting to get on everyone’s nerves that he’s so confused about all this being horrible. He himself had bullied others – to a lesser extent to boot – and he has worked really hard to come back from it and make up for it. He still feels guilty! Why is he acting like this is no big deal?

“What are you’se on about, lads? Yeah, it weren’t great, but it’s just footie culture. It happens everywhere, except with Ted ‘cause he’s a weird American wanker, who jerks off to everyone being friends or some shit. Nowt to get your panties in a twist ‘bout, yeah,” Jamie says.

They’re all staring at him like he’s stupid, trying to find a way to explain to him that this is not true without calling Jamie stupid to his face, since that feels kind of mean after everything Jamie just said.

Thankfully, there is Sam, who has the eloquence to figure out something to say. “Is that why you bullied me?” he asks, voice level and curious, not judgmental. He has always wondered why Jamie hated him so much when he first got here. What about him made him a target. Today he can find out, as well as hold up a mirror for Jamie.

Much to his surprise, Jamie gives a sheepish looks, hands coming up to fiddle with the hem of his shirt as he apologetically admits: “A little bit, yeah.”

“You bullied me because you thought it was a part of the culture?” Sam says, hurt by the fact that it was so simple. That Jamie just did it because everyone had made him believe that it was just the thing that had to happen. That it didn’t have to be him. That it could have been anyone.

“Uh, yeah, kinda,” Jamie says, shrinking into himself. “I mean, I got ‘ere day one and Roy took one fucking look at me and all he said was ‘fuck, no’ before he turned away again. Figured if bullying the young newbies were a part of it, might as well be just you who were the young newbie instead of both of us, y’know?”

Now it’s Sam’s turn to blink a few times, trying to give this information a place. He can understand that Jamie – after all that – figured that Sam would be a great target to be bullied without Jamie and went to great lengths to make it so. But it feels… dissatisfying in a way too. In a way, there has been such a build up around it in his head that it is strange that it’s nothing more than that. Just a hurt person hurting people. Tale as old as time, but still true. “Oh.”

“Are- are you disappointed?” Jamie asks, seeming unsure.

“I do not know,” Sam tells him honestly. “I always figured there was more to it. That you had a reason for not liking me.”

“Oh, I did,” Jamie assures him… which is a weird thing to be assured about.

“You did?”

“I mean, yeah, mate. I started bullying you ‘cause it were you or me, y’know, but I found plenty reasons to dislike ya after,” Jamie says.

These words cause the rest of the lads, who have been following their conversation in the background thus far, to speak up again, voices overlapping as they exclaim indignantly about that. It makes Sam feels warm that they’re all so outraged at the idea of anyone not liking him.

However, he is also very curious what reasons Jamie might have had. What Sam had done. He has never thought himself responsible for Jamie’s actions, his father has raised him with more self love than that. Still, he cannot deny he wonders what would have needed to happen for their first season together to have played out differently. If it was always meant to be like this, or if there was a universe in which they could have been friends from the start. He remembers how badly he had wanted to be Jamie’s friend when he got here. How much he wanted his approval.

“What reasons?” he asks curiously.

“You don’t have to ask that, bruv,” Isaac says, quickly turning to Jamie and ordering: “Don’t answer that.”

Jamie looks caught between them, but finally agrees: “Alright, skipper.”

“No. I want to know,” Sam frowns. “Why are you stopping him from saying it? I am curious and I have asked. As much as I am younger than all of you, I am still an adult.”

Isaac keeps firm: “You don’t want to torture yourself with knowing. We buried it. It’s in the past. No use dredging this shit back up. Jamie doesn’t dislike you anymore, right, Jamie?”

“Very much right,” Jamie quickly backs up the claim. “It were all stupid shit anyway, like who the fuck can dislike you, mate. It’s practically impossible.”

“Apparently you could,” Sam fires back, feeling slightly guilty at the way Jamie flinches at the words, but he ignores it to turn to Isaac. “I will torture myself more with the what if. You cannot make this decision for me.”

It’s clear that Jamie isn’t going to answer unless Isaac gives permission, no matter how much Sam pushes. He doesn’t know what he feels about that. If there is fondness next to the annoyance or just annoyance.

In the end, Isaac gives a small nod.

Now everyone is looking at Jamie, all of them curious to hear about why he would dislike Sam after they have all established that Sam is pretty likable overall. Under their gazes Jamie hesitates, but then he locks eyes with Sam and he answers anyway. “I were jealous of you,” he admits, embarrassment clearly burning his ears.

“Jealous of me? But you were such a better player,” Sam frowns, not sure what to think of that answer. It feels a bit like a lie. Like Jamie forgot what that period had been like and is making something up to makes it less bad than it was. “I was under performing.” He’s not sure why he feels the need to remind Jamie of that, but he does.

Jamie laughs as if that’s funny and says: “Mate, I weren’t jealous ‘bout that. You were just so fucking nice and naive, but everyone liked you anyway. It didn’t matter that I were mean to you about the things everyone was mean to me for, ‘cause it weren’t a problem when it were you doing it. You were just so- so-” Jamie’s searching for the words, before finally saying “-so soft.”

And just like that, he’s standing around a barrel in a haunted treatment room again, Jamie’s words echoing through his mind ‘…calling me soft if I didn’t dominate. And I hated that. I actually fucking hated that.’

Sam hates how cliché it is, in a sense. That Jamie had been pushing him around, because he’d been pushed around. The bullied that has become the bully. The boy who was never allowed to be anything other than tough, lashing out at a person who didn’t need to be. It almost makes Sam angry, how it had been just that. But it also makes him sad.

With Sam’s lack of response, Jamie finishes lamely: “Like I said, mate, it were all stupid shit. You didn’t do anything. It were never about what you did, just about me and me own shit, y’know. And I’m sorry about that, you know that, right?”

“I do,” Sam says, managing to snap himself out of it. “Thank you, for telling me.”

Jamie looks unsure, like he doesn’t trust Sam when he says that and thinks he’s going to get angry any moment now. “Are you sure?”

“Yes. I do not appreciate that you made me your punching bag and I do not forgive your actions because you had your reasons. I forgave you, because you worked hard to be better,” Sam tells him. “I consider you my friend. And I do so, because you became a better man. But it is nice to know that it was not something I did.”

“Yeah, no, of course. Of course it weren’t owt you did,” Jamie quickly says. “And I consider us friends too. You’re a great mate, Sam. Glad I got a second chance.”

“Me too,” Sam smiles, finding that he means it.

He had been so angry when Jamie returned, not just with Jamie but with Ted too. That someone like Jamie was allowed back, made his blood boil and he had decided not to like Jamie whatever he might do to try and trick people into letting him back in their good graces.

But then Jamie had grown, had opened up and Sam found that he quite liked Jamie when he was not trying to be the worst person alive. That he liked Jamie when he stood with him without needing to, when he checked in with him, when he celebrated Sam’s goals too, when he passed, when he went out of his way to tell Sam he had been fucked, when he wore his number on his England kit.

It did not erase how Sam had felt, but he is not a hateful person and he too would want to be allowed to grow from who he used to be. He isn’t a shy recent transfer anymore either. They had all just been people, figuring out how to live.

“Geez, boyo, every time I think we figured out all your shit, you reveal more,” Colin huffs, breaking the atmosphere that had been between them.

“Oi, what is that supposed to mean?” Jamie demands, also dropping his own intense eye contact he’d been holding with Sam, a million things passing between them.

“I don’t know, you just keep saying sad shit whenever we talk about anything,” Colin shrugs.

“I do not! You’re just being an arsehole,” Jamie pouts lunging for Colin. “An arsehole who’s been hogging the controls. Give me a turn.”

“Hey, I nearly got him,” Colin complains, trying to get away from Jamie, while Richard tries his best to sneak in a win now that Colin is distracted.

Colin isn’t entirely wrong. There are many layers of hurt to Jamie’s existence that have shaped him into the person he is now and they do continuously find out more, starting all the way back in that locker room at Wembley, or maybe even already in that haunted treatment room.

However, Colin also isn’t entirely right, because those layers of hurt, there is also so much care. Sam likes the rare moments when Jamie talks about his mom, the way he speaks of her gives Sam comfort that his friend hadn’t been alone. That there has been enough good to make Jamie more than just a prick, who lashed out. That Richmond had allowed him to shed all those defenses in the end.

That Richmond had been a place to grow. Not just for Jamie, but for all of them. That none of them were judged by their worst moments, but how they grew from them. Sam prefers that.

~~

A/N: