jake puckerman

Not to get all complain-y up in here, but the hoppy dope-fiend that sleeps on a bench outside the dorms friend requested me on Instagram from five different accounts. You drunkenly agree to make hobo stoves with someone - once, and they think it’s okay to go all Joe Goldberg on your ass. No me gusta.

Well that’s good to know for when I move in, I’ll definitely learn from your mistake on that one. At least if you suddenly go missing then we’ll know who to send the police to. 

Is is just me, or has anyone else suddenly found themselves becoming slightly obsessed with the band Måneskin? I just- I can’t get their songs out of my head?! Anyone else?

I don’t know about obsessed but I dig their vibe. Plus they’re all hot as fuck. Any band who wears harnesses on stage is doing something right.

Yeah, my dad’s ex-husband’s parents are the type to give socks and baked goods as gifts - which is always welcome, especially considering that their involvement in my life is causing real strife for him - but my dad’s mom? I appreciate the lengths she’s going to to try and, y’know, show that she’s supportive and wants to help me on my journey, but …I don’t know… there is such a thing as an inappropriate gift and even though her heart was in the right place, this was an inappropriate gift.

Not gonna lie “my dad’s ex-husband’s parents” took me a hot second to get my ahead around. Have you told her that it was an inappropriate gift? Sometimes people just don’t get hints so you have to straight up tell them before they start buying you the same shit for every birthday or Hanukkah. 

There’s nothing like a good hangover cure on a Sunday morning.

I’ve finally found some parties worth drinking at and while my head is currently swirling, I have no regrets. A good time is a good time, no matter what you’re feeling the next day. Did anybody else have a night with details worth sharing or was it just me and the hot blonde from the party?

Any cures that you’d like to share with the rest of us? 

I mean, I’ve yet to see the street cred so it’s all just taking your word for it at this point.

Sweetheart, I am always as good as they say I am.

Well maybe you just need to look a little harder, or get yourself some glasses.

Your lack of faith is disturbing.

I’m disappointed you didn’t say “crying over spilt man milk.”  A missed opportunity for a very graphic euphemism. I prefer other forms of food play. Only when they have an unlimited breadstick policy. Honestly, BreadstiX is lucky I’m not allowed in with a wheelbarrow.

I’ll make sure never to doubt you again.

The mental image is entertaining to say the least. Not gonna lie, I would have definitely thrown slushies at you.

My advice, if I may, find someone hotter to have even better sex with. As popular contemporary philosopher Ariana Grande once mused, “thank u, next.” What can I say, I have a way with words. I didn’t eat it right away, I hid it in my purse like I do when I smuggle breadsticks outta restaurants. Probably a little bit of both.

I can’t believe you would have hate-crimed me like that.

Okay, so I love and appreciate that my grandma is trying so hard to be supportive of me, and while I get the idea behind buying me things she thinks I might need… There are some things you’d have to consult with me first on… And some things you just shouldn’t buy for someone period…

Anyone else got grandparents that buy you presents to try and be helpful but it just… isn’t?

No, can’t say I relate. I’m pretty sure my dad’s parents don’t know I exist and my mom’s parents just buy me socks and send me home-baked goods so those are definitely helpful gifts. As long as her heart is in the right place, I’m sure your grandma will get there. 

Oh yeah? You’ll have to tell me some of those sometime.

You could just come with me this weekend, y’know. Regardless of whether or not they’ll let a guy in, I’m pretty good at finding a way to get what I want.

And why would I do that? If I share then it’ll destroy all this carefully crafted street cred I’ve built up.

I have the most exciting news! Fondue for Two hit a million subscribers this weekend, which is super crazy and way more people than I ever expected to watch my videos. So I spent my weekend eating tonnes of cake and candy, and waiting for Kris Kardashian to DM me asking if she can adopt me and be my momager. How was everyone else’s weekend?

Holy shit that’s a lot of followers. What are your videos of? My weekend was definitely more boring than yours. I just watched Netflix and slept a lot. 

Sounds like you side-stepped becoming the next Guy Fieri, which might just be a synonym of social suicide anyway.

Well, that’s cold. This is why you shouldn’t call for a second round. If they give you a fake number, at least you’ll never know. Sequels usually suck anyway. I’ve indulged in an afternoon delight here and there. My last energy exchange was with a girl named Louise that I met in the Sci Lab. At first, I thought she was staring because I stole her churro, but she was totally vibing with me. We hooked up after I convinced her that it wasn’t cheating if we let her boyfriend watch.

Can you imagine? A fifteen year old half-black, half-Jewish Guy Fieri lookalike running around. I definitely wouldn’t have made it out of high school alive.

I did, was debatably worth it. Free drinks can make almost any situation tolerable. You looking for one to join? Or intel on the enemies?

Free drinks are both the best and worst thing. I think nearly all of my most embarrassing night out stories start with those two little words. Potentially looking to join, I haven’t decided whether I want to get in on the whole frat boy scene yet. 

Rude! I think I’d be a great representative of the human race to send to space. I mean, I’m in ideal shape, for one. All the aliens would wanna fuck me! I’d be like the dude Barbarella! 

Great point, bro. Y’know, I’m mulling over that NASA idea, and I’m beginning to think “Puckermans in Space” would be a great idea for a screenplay. You and me were, like, born to be leading men. 

You wanna be fucked by aliens? What if their dicks were like, the size of your arm? I’d love to see you with that 70s hair though.

At least you were in junior high or else it could have been frosted tips and a goatee to match. There’s no coming back from that.

How’s that going for you, Jakey? Anyone catch your eye yet?

That’s very true. I’m glad I managed to side-step social suicide.