i’m the greatest star. ⭐️

-

>maybe i’d feel differently if i actually saw a broadway show and didn’t have to hear watered down covers from you nerds at glee club. Oh this will be quick then. I’m a double major…I don’t have to energy to kill or eat anyone, let alone get away with it. And I usually have to be woken up when a plane lands…so no applause here. When should I buy my tickets? Or are you treating me?

I’ve got to say, you’re far less charming when you’re calling me and my teammates nerds. I’m not sure that it’s the best way to try earn yourself a trip to New York. You’re a double major? That’s very impressive. But with such a stacked schedule, how are you going to find the time to go on a trip?

Never tried them but I saw a documentary about how those are made a few days ago. I’m kind of curious to know what it tastes like. What does the vegan alternative offer?

I’m sure that it was a satisfying watch. Personally, I’m a fan of those ASMR slime and sand cutting vidoes. It’s simple though really, candy canes are already vegan so it’s just a case of ensuring that the chocolate is vegan. This one uses oat milk instead of dairy, and it’s delicious. 

Bark? Like from a tree? A peppermint tree?

Have you really never had peppermint bark? It’s a kind of candy... There’s layers of white and dark chocolate, sprinkled with crushed up candy canes. It’s absolutely delicious, and I hate to say it, but you’ve been missing out. If you tell me what dorm you’re in, I’ll be sure to drop some by on my way to hockey practice.

🎭

Oh, it is! I’m not sure how I feel about the idea of experiencing that on a regular basis, but we’ll see how it goes. Thank you so much, Rachel! I’m really excited! And I can assure you that my loyalty of course remains with the New Directions, and I promise I’ll be careful. I have a good feeling about this, though.

Name a time and place and I’ll be there! I can’t wait to hear all of your new ideas and I’m sure the holidays were a great source of inspiration for you. 

Well I for one can’t wait for your first performance. I promise you that I’ll be there in the stands, cheering you on with all of my might. Which I realise feels ironic, cheering on a cheerleading team.

How’s Lima Bean tomorrow, 3.30? My treat, to congratulate you on your new position.

You could have shared a little of it with them, right? I have no idea how you’re going to eat all of that, but I guess it probably keeps well for a while. How come? If you have so many, why would you care if Santana had some of them? 

Oh, this is after they helped themselves to two slabs each. If I left the rest out in the open, they’d have eaten them all before I’d even landed back in Ohio. The same logic applies to Santana. If you give her an inch, she’ll take a mile, or in better words, if you give her a little bit of peppermint bark, she’ll think she’s entitled to all of it.

INTRODUCING... RACHEL BERRY’S FAMILY

Hiram Berry nee Goldstein, 56 - Abba/daddy (David Schwimmer)

Leroy Berry, 59 - Papa (Lenny Henry)

Shelby Corcoran, 40 - Biological mother (Alison Brie)

Boq, 8 - Dog/Bestie (Name inspired by the Wicked character)

Rachel was born via surrogate to Hiram and Leroy Berry, and up until the age of fourteen, knew absolutely nothing about her birth mother. Her fathers gave her everything she ever asked for, be it singing lessons, dancing lessons, acting lessons... or just a whole shelf of Lelli Kelly shoes. Her fathers absolutely spoiled her rotten, which is definitely a contributor to Rachel’s egotistical tendencies. Hiram and Leroy have always been the perfect example of a loving, happy and healthy relationship, and their love for each other has given Rachel pretty high expectations for romance.

Whilst Rachel might seem uptight, her upbringing was anything but strict. Neither Hiram nor Leroy set out with intentions of their little girl being a star, and were the furthest thing from those pushy stage parents they met at every audition and competition. They have always been Rachel’s biggest cheerleaders in everything she does, and they have a total honesty policy in the house, so Rachel knows she can talk to her fathers about absolutely anything that’s on her mind. 

But just before her fourteenth birthday, Rachel’s interest in finding out about her birth mother began to grow - something about changing hormones, and being in a house of two men who didn’t know their tampons from their menstrual cups. After digging around in memory boxes and trawling deep through the internet, Rachel discovered that her biological mother was Shelby Corcoran, then a performing arts teacher at OSUCA. Rachel contacted Shelby, and they arranged to meet. At first her fathers were hesitant, as Shelby had previously opted to have no contact with Rachel when she was born, but the two got along perfectly. 

Shelby introduced Rachel to new musicals she’d never even heard of (her fathers have always been into the classics), and she took her for her first mani pedi, and bought her her first proper bra. Though whilst Rachel was instantly enamoured by Shelby, she never really saw her as her mom. She was more like a big sister, or a fun aunt, or even just an older, more mature friend. Before Rachel started at OSUCA, she made the trip to see Shelby at least twice a year, and Shelby would do the same to Philadelphia. Then when Rachel flopped at her big NYADA audition, Shelby (who was now the head of the school of the performing arts) pulled some strings to get her into OSUCA, despite her not applying to any backup colleges. 

Rachel strives to keep a professional relationship with Shelby during termtime, and most students are completely oblivious to their family connection, but the two make the effort to see each other regularly, despite both their busy schedules. 

OTHER CHARACTERS, NOT PICTURED

Mayim Goldstein, nee Benowitz, 78 - Bubbe/Hiram’s mother (Miriam Margolyes)

Benjamin Goldstein, 81 - Zadie/Hiram’s father (Elliott Gould)

Lucille Berry, nee Simpson, 80 - Grandma/Leroy’s mother (Lillian Dube)

Where on earth are you going to store fifty slabs of bark? Please tell me you didn’t bring all of that to campus, did you? As much as I enjoy it, I already overdid it more during the holidays than Coach would have liked. 

I brought about half back to campus with me, and the rest is stashed away back home, well out of the way of my sweet toothed fathers. And of course, my campus stack is hidden somewhere well out of the sight of one Santana Lopez, though we know it’s only a matter of time before she finds it. You don’t have to tell me about overdoing it - I’ve had to double my daily exercise regime to make sure I fit back in my costume.

Imagine having a personality that sucked so much you had to resort to 90s stranger danger PSA tactics of bribing kids with candy. 

Imagine being so insolent that you take a kind gesture and create an allusion of perversion out of it. I would’ve hoped that now we’re both in glee club together that we could forgo the cruelness and call a truce. For the sake of the club.

Unless we're considering the greats such as Barbra, Patti, Bernadette, even Celine, Beyonce, Adele just to name a few... then no, I don't believe that there's anyone who outshines me. Whilst the glee club has some undeniably talented members who certainly show promise, and possess a certain pizazz that the club has been in dire need of, I know my worth and my talent. There is only one Rachel Barbra Berry, and I refuse to be outshined by anyone.

Mad wouldn't be the correct word, no. I admit I was disappointed for a short while but Liesl is a respectable part, and one that I'm thrilled to be playing. Besides, I know that one day the role of Maria will be mine, I can feel it in my bones. And with any luck, it won't be in some community theatre production - it'll be in on a Broadway stage for the long awaited revival.

Both Jake and Noah are undoubtedly handsome and surprisingly charming, and I'm sure they're not short on people to... copulate with, but I do not plan on being either one of the Puckerman brothers conquests. Besides, I don't make a habit of sleeping with just anyone.

Applaud me, huh. High praise from the queen of standing ovations. I’ll never get you guys and that whole Broadway thing. Snoozefest. I’d kill for a trip to New York, though. You taking holiday bf applications for next year?

Broadway is anything but boring. There is absolutely nothing, and I mean nothing more thrilling than sitting in the stalls with the lights dimmed, playbill clutched in your hands, waiting for that very first note of a Broadway show. I get chills every single time. My hectic schedule leaves me with very little time for dating, but I can stretch to a friendship once I’ve vetted you to check you’re not a murderer, cannibal, or someone who claps when the plane lands. Maybe then we can discuss the possibility of your first ever trip to the city that never sleeps.

😈

I have a hankering for you to start economizing words, Berry. 

Chocolate’s mostly made up of cocoa beans. Isn’t that pretty much vegan already? 

I appreciate your feedback, but I will not be changing myself to adapt to your preferences.

               ❝     i’m   sorry   ,   i   can’t   say   i’m   a   fan   of    peppermint   bark   .    but   fifty   slabs   ?    i   think   that’s   a   bit   of   an   overkill   .

You’re absolutely right, but if there’s one thing my grandma is excellent at, besides making the most delicious cobblers and giving the warmest hugs, it’s overkill. I’m her only grandchild, so she’s been spoiling me rotten ever since I was a baby. When I graduated high school, she planned an entire Tony’s themed graduation party for all of my high school friends, so I’m now eagerly awaiting what she’s got up her sleeves for when I graduate from OSUCA.