Jack Jack

Grace: *Retroactively freaking out about Doing A Misogyny™*

American baking shows will be called something like "Cupcake Knife Fight", there's horror movie lighting everywhere and dramatic stings every 5 seconds. All of the contestants are shit talking each other and fist fighting over the one single deep fryer provided by production. It will show the judges all whispering to each other at their super villain table overlooking the whole kitchen, and one will be like, "Oh my god. Everyone look at Brenda right now. She's straight tanking it." And it will cut to Brenda, who is running around covered in flour and crying and also bleeding for some reason. Then you get a clip from an interview with one of the contestants, and they're like, "I really need to win this. Without this award money, I'm gonna need to close my restaurant, sell my dad, and live out of my car. AGAIN." Then the giant digital doomsday clock overhead lets out a horrid klaxon, the judges tell half of them that their cupcakes taste disgusting, and one of them gets eliminated and sent to walk down the dramatically-lit shame hallway never to be seen again.

I don’t have time to research how to best defend my data outside of the well known and standard options. I don’t have time to figure out a new program, or how to get into the code of my phone. I don’t know how to decide what search engine is better suited for my needs. I shouldn’t have to fortify myself and be suspicious of everything just so that I can safely do research for an essay I need to write for my study.

I followed a computer class a few years ago. I was pretty good at it. Then I don’t pay attention to technology for a few years and suddenly everything is different, worse, and wants to do you harm.

And I also know that I won’t be able to convince my family that they need to protect themselves. I couldn’t even talk my mom out of buying something from TEMU. And if their data gets stolen, my information will be in there too. Even if I do manage to protect myself.

Ilya wins his first awards and hes got nobody he really wants to thank after his team and coach cause he he hates his family but he knows his speech is too short so on impulse he goes "And I want to thank Shane Hollander for being slightly worse than me this season". Everyone knows it was going to one of those two, so everyone thinks hes an asshole to say that but whats new so it works for him. But from then on it then becomes a bit for both of them to thank each other in their speeches in a snide way as a reason they won.

Shane winning the Art Ross Trophy (Awarded to the player who leads the league in total points at the end of the regular season). and going "special thanks to Rozanov for missing at least 5 shots this season, he was a huge help"

Ilya winning the Conn Smythe Trophy (Awarded to the most valuable player for his team in the playoffs.) "Just want to give a quick shout out to Hollander for getting knocked out in the second round this season. Must hate to see me up here."

I think he was so frequently at summer training camps after his mother died that it went unacknowledged. Maybe a cupcake if someone made note of it.

Even when he's an NHL superstar he gets bland texts from teammates, classic PR public birthday wishes, and gets drunk in Russia, usually with Svetlana. She gets him a card and several years in a row she takes him to a friend of a friend who breeds working farm dogs and lets Ilya dissociate with a bunch of puppies.

Then, after the Olympics, Shane actually texts him "happy birthday". With a little balloon emoji.

It makes Ilya's month. Even if he doesn't show it when he sees Shane a couple weeks later in Vegas.

Then, in 2015, Shane texts Ilya "happy birthday" at midnight in Boston, so perfectly timed that he's sure Shane set an alarm for it because he's in Halifax with the Metros and the Cup doing a cross-Canada victory tour. And that makes him so warm and fuzzy.

In 2016 Shane texts him "happy birthday" at midnight, and this time there's a picture. A screenshot of a donation made by Shane to a Russian community centre in Montreal. Ilya looks up the centre and they're the one place that gets a pass on cheering for Boston in the whole city, because so many of the young Russian kids look up to Ilya. In the spot to list a reason for the donation Shane's written "for Lily".

In 2017 Shane texts him a plain happy birthday. But then he has a proper cake (though small) ordered from a small bakery near the cottage. It's set for delivery a couple days after Ilya arrives (the day after they come out to Shane's parents) because it gave him enough time to cancel if it went horribly.

So Ilya wakes up to find Shane not in bed, talking politely to someone at the door, and when he goes to see what it is he finds Shane standing with a plain white box that he gingerly sets on the table and opens to reveal a beautifully decorated cake. It's a soft blue frosting with chocolate ganache covering the top and dripping down the sides, there are chocolate covered strawberries perfectly spaced on the top.

"I wasn't sure what flavour you'd like so the top layer's funfetti, the middle's chocolate, and the bottom is strawberry. And there's cookie dough-flavoured icing in the middle."

It's enough cake that between the two of them and Shane's parents it takes them a week to get through.

It becomes a thing. Shane finds new cake flavours for Ilya's (belated if the awards are after his birthday) birthday cake every year.

When they finish their first season together on the Cens Shane has spent months working with Harris in secret. And Ilya's birthday is turned into a Centaur's community fair. They fill the parking lot with rides and free carnival food and games. There's a massive adult-sized bouncy castle.