jackalteeths

That’s the thing, a genuine narc isn’t ever going to magically stop enjoying the perks of a grandiose/entitled attitude, he’s just going to keep cycling through naive enablers til he dies. It’s the unwise hope of the (at times intentionally) naive enabler - that the narc might change if the flying monkey is special enough - that keeps this myth of the “changeable narc” alive. The narc knows this, and feeds that hope as a means of baiting the enabler into staying longer.

It’s actually really healthy in this context to acknowledge that you’re not that special and to move on. Nothing you can do will make this person change because ultimately they don’t want to.

The same is true of genuine borderlines and genuine anti-socials. If you know that throwing you a fit will get you sympathy that then allows you to guilt your partner into staying with you even though you’re an emotional wreck who never takes responsibility for their actions, you’re going to keep doing it. If you know that feeding someone vulnerable a bit of false praise at the beginning of a relationship is enough to keep them under your control for a few years, and that whittling down their self-esteem might buy you a few more years with them, you’re going to keep doing it. 

It blows my mind that people who don’t have these thought processes have chosen to make cluster B disorders a part of their identity. The self-diagnosis trend has romanticized these disorders to the point where you actually see people who want to be viewed as a trainwreck girlfriend or a predatory boyfriend. (Aside: look at the reception of movies like Requiem for a Dream. Dysfunction is very chic). 

Since this phenomenon doesn’t exist in a vacuum (and these roles are coded with gender expectations) you often see trans people LARPing these roles. Fujoshis want to be the sadist psychopath, and trancels want to be the helpless yandere. 

If people with personality disorders truly “gained something” from their behavior, everyone would behave in the manner of those with personality disorders.  As unpleasant as it can be to have someone in your life with a personality disorder, it is infinitely more unpleasant for those diagnosed.  If not at first, then certainly as their life progresses.  | It is true that people with personality disorders have gained certain life skills that can be beneficial to them in the most crude sense.  However, one could compare these behaviors to running one’s car with a fuel test that’s lower than required for their model: in the short term the car will indeed drive, but it won’t be long before it starts breaking down. No one with Borderline Personality Disorder thinks there’s absolutely nothing wrong with or abnormal about their dramatic attention seeking antics or their complete implosion when faced with the possibility of abandonment.  They hurt deeply, and they are desperate not to feel the way they do.  That’s why they act out in the first place.  The problem is that they don’t know any other way.  They’ve been taught that the only way anyone will ever listen to them is if they’re screaming at the top of their lungs and pulling every possible stop to make their point heard.   No one with Narcissistic Personality Disorder doesn’t feel the crushing weight of emptiness inside them, no matter how well they hide it.  Their unhappiness with themselves bleeds into their view of their entire world and turns it all to shit.  Nothing and no one is ever enough to distract them from that emptiness.  No amount of praise and admiration can cure the deeply rooted fear inside them that they are worthless and unlovable.  They keep trying on different masks, different pursuits, different partners, and all of it turns to dust in their mouth because their true problem lies in the belief that their worth lies in what they do and what they have instead of who they are.  

Neither of these things are fun or rewarding for the diagnosed in any way.  Having a personality disorder is completely miserable.  The problem isn’t that we don’t want to get better, it’s that treatment programs designed to actually help us instead of hide us away in cells somewhere are only just starting to become widely practiced.  DBT programs designed to treat Borderline have been largely successful, and as more people start viewing those diagnosed with personality disorders as something other than uncurable, inhuman monsters, more resources are becoming available to those who are suffering.