Ugh. Grad school is such an emotional rollercoaster. Last week I was drowning in self doubt about botched experiments and today a Prof that I admire to a probably unhealthy amount told me that she admires my passion and she thinks that I have what it takes to be a successful researcher and now I oscillate between confidence and peak levels of imposter syndrome within minutes - gosh, how do I handle this?
yall iâm still trying to figure that out and iâve been trapped here for 203985720937 millennia. The mental fortitude necessary to survive in grad school is just.. unreal.Â
I think? what has been working for me are 2 things:
I make sure Grad Student Julia is not all who I am
I try to change my way of thinking by letting the negative moments slide off like teflon, and the positive moments stick like velcro (which is the opposite of how so many of us have been conditioned to want to do)
So first, I make sure I have a life outside of grad school, and that I get my self-worth also from other aspects of my life such as: my friends, family, pets, hobbies, self-care, etc. So being all those thingsâa friend, a daughter, a sister, a wife, a pet mama, an avid reader of books, a blogger, etcâhelps ground me. Like I can have the Worst Day Ever in lab but then I come home to all the other aspects of my life and I can experience firsthand that yeah, being a grad student isnât all there is to my life. My dog donât care Iâm graduating a semester later than I planned; she just loves that I have two hands for belly rubs. My husband doesnât love me less because I screwed up a calculation. That negative reviewer comment doesnât take away my entire bookshelf of books Iâve read in my life. Stuff like that, ya know? Just having a work-life-balance so I am more than a few failed experiments. I am more than a rejection letter. I am more than a missed deadline, or a disappointing review, or an angry PI yelling at me. I am more than just a grad student, and nothing can take that away from me. If I ever had a mantra I repeat every moment of the day, thatâs probably it.Â
And suddenly the constant failures in lab and the comments of disappointment from my PI donât feel as painful. Sure, they still smack me like a raw egg, but the goop slides off faster ya know? Because my self worth comes from multiple pipes; blocking one isnât going to dry this bathtub baby!
Secondly, I try really hard not to dwell too much on negative comments or experiences. I try to think about them only for long enough so I can assess whether I can make any meaningful and realistic changes to my work or myself. So if I mess up an experiment, I try to figure out what went wrong and what I can do better next time so this doesnât happen. Same with negative comments and the like. And I know itâs hard not to replay our mistakes and shortcomings over and over in our minds, especially when times get dark and lonely. I totally get that. I still have bad memories from decades ago pop up every now and then. It happens. But when those moments hit, I find that staying busy (with work or by hanging out with friends, etc) can keep my brain distracted from spiraling into negativity.Â
The other half of this is to latch onto positive comments and experiences and keep them close. Because many of us have been conditioned throughout our life to do just the opposite, I like to have physical reminders to help me, like screenshots or print-outs (like I literally have a print-out of a really encouraging anon message thanking me for helping them pinned to my cubicle at work). My brain canât put me down when I have literal physical proof that I have done good things. And when physical evidence isnât possible (eg. verbal convo), I replay that in my mind over and over. Not to.. obsess over it, but to commit it to memory, to truth, to become a part of who truly am.Â
Other things that may help:
Journaling (or blogging) about your day/inner thoughts
Having a venting-buddy (such as another grad student) where you two meet up regularly for vent sessions
Staying mentally healthy via therapy and/or medication
Staying physically healthy too!Â
Other posts about how to deal with imposter syndrome: 1 | 2 | 3Â
Maintaining a healthy mental fortitude is a learned skill, and just like any other skill, it takes time and practice, but it will happen. You will be ok anon :) You got this! I believe in you, and I think youâre a cool cat even with your botched experiments <3
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