DC

"Stress," he tells a gala attendee, "Yeah, watching my dad at one of these things, making sure he doesn't drown in the punch bowl or french kiss a reporter, it's a stressful job."

"I drank Zesti Cola and Mentos at the same time."

"I disrespected my elders and a ghost straight up bitch slapped me." he tells one of Dick's kids when he's babysitting.

"This is what happens when you wash your hair in Gotham without using treated water."

“I let Dick talk me into a ‘fun brother bonding spa day.’ Something in that hair mask that Donna cooked up was radioactive. I swear.”

“I got caught in a flashbang at close range. My hair saw the light before I did.”

“I got hit with a fear toxin variant. Apparently my hair panicked too.”

-

*the JLA holding a super important strategy meeting in the batcave*

Batman: -the main priority is to ensure the safety of the surrounding area even in the case of a fight, so we’ll have people stationed around the perimeter just in case. Hood, can you grab me the signal flares from the store room? you’re closest.

Red Hood, walking over: *grunts*

Batman: *continues to explain his plan as in the background Jason walks into the store room, pauses, and then promptly walks right back out*

Red Hood: *sweetly, from the doorway* Robin?

Robin: mm?

Red Hood: would you like to go into the store room for me? my darling, favourite brother-mine?

Robin:

Robin, eyes half-lidded: is there a spider in there?

Red Hood: maybe.

Robin, sighing in exasperation as he starts walking over: you really need to start trying to deal with these yourself, Hood. you can’t call me every time-

The Flash, watching Damian emerge with a small spider in the palm of his hand while Jason refuses to come out of the corner of the cave: doesn’t that guy chop peoples heads off sometimes…?

-

*Aquaman, on a mission with Nightwing and Batman, on a platform in the middle of the ocean*

Aquaman: if you have your rebreathers then you can follow me down, it’s not too deep a dive to the site.

Nightwing: *staring into the water* mhm.

Batman: *watching Nightwing in amusement*

Aquaman: …Nightwing, are you ok?

Nightwing, still staring: oh- hm? yep. yep, i’m good. i’m- yeah. lets go. lets do this.

Aquaman:

Batman: he has thalassophobia. he doesn’t like deep, empty waters.

Aquaman:

Nightwing: *staring down*

Batman: *faux shoves Dick forward, as if to push him in*

Nightwing, shrieking and jumping back: bRUCE- I TOLD YOU NOT TO DO THAT-

-

Superman: the victim’s in that room, if you need to examine the body.

Red Robin: got it, thanks.

Red Hood: so what actually happened to the guy?

Superman, as Tim leaves: well, it seems like the virus infects the mind and causes intense delusions. we think he was driven crazy and ended his own life. it’s… not pretty in there. he stabbed himself in the eye with a pencil.

Red Hood: *whistles* *pauses* wait. in the eye?

Superman: yeah. why?

Red Hood:

Red Robin: *slams out of the other room, falls to his knees vomiting*

Superman:

Red Hood, watching Tim calmly: yeah he’s got this thing about things in peoples eyes?

Superman:

Superman: really?

-

Green Arrow: shit, that’s a nasty scratch you got there, Bats. right across the eye, too.

Batman: *grunt*

Green Arrow: who’d you fight to get it?

Batman: Robin.

Green Arrow:

Green Arrow: Damian did that?

Batman: hn.

Green Arrow: …why?

Batman: he had a cavity and i had to take him to the dentist.

Green Arrow:

Batman: he’s scared of the dentist.

Green Arrow: wasn’t he raised by the league of assassins?

Batman: he’s scared of the dentist.