Haru's Slice of Life

Previous post I share my story with my first ever encounter of a toxic friendship. But for this post, I am the toxic person or at least I thought I was. He was my high school boyfriend, we fell for each other when were 15. To I don’t really trust anyone especially when it comes to this kind of relationship. So I rejected him at first. I heard he was a ladies man, but at the same time, some people were telling me that he was just being a gentleman to everyone, regardless of their gender. His friends also express how much this guy liked me.

This guy was also a softie. He always gives in when our friends talk down about him. Jokingly. But whenever I think its too much, ill step in and protect him, sarcastically.

In our 1st year of dating, we liked each other a lot. We have a lot of similarities, interest and we rely on each other a lot. He was also an A-plus student. He always ranked in the top 10 out of 100. And I'm just a regular student. Always ranked above 80 per 100. HAHAHA. He always helps me when it comes to studying. I enjoy studying a lot and with his help, it gets better.

In our 2nd year of dating, Lily cam through (not her real name). Lily was a very close friend to both of us. Lily’s boyfriend was also a close friend of mine. Note that all of us were in the same school. My boyfriend and Lily were in the same class. They were closed w each other, but I never felt jealous, cs Lily was close with me too. Then one day, shits finally hit the fan. Lily’s boyfriend told me that my boyfriend and Lily have been sex-ting (sex texting (?) )with each other a lot. Lily’s boyfriend told me, he’ll smack the shit out of my boyfriend after school. My dumb ass stop him & told him lets settle this nicely. Because of back then I'm dumb. Lily’s boyfriend let my boyfriend off the hook. 

I was disappointed, he apologise and we decided to forget about it. Big mistake.

After that incident, I never trust him. And that was the start of me being a toxic person. I know he basically cheated on me first. I should just have let him go, instead of continuing this toxic relationship. But we still pull it off until the end of high school.

I often curse at him, keep on asking for a breakup, ghosted him and always demanded him not to go out or hang out with any girlfriend.

To make a long story short, we finally fall off after graduating from high school. He cheated on me with a girl he met in his university (ps: that girl also cheated on his bf .. and I oop)

And so I was very depressed for over a month. For a month I cant sleep at night or even the whole day. I sometimes skipped class bcs I really don’t feel like doing anything. I don’t shower, I don’t eat. I just curled up on my bed. On top of that, something was going on back at home too with my family. So I was under a lot of pressure.

After a whole month of crying and hating myself. I feel a little bit better. But not completely. Sometime I would randomly cry in class because it is just so hard.

3 to 4 months of me being not emotionally stable, I decided to distract myself with anything. Meditation, prayers, working out, binge-watching good dramas and movies. I do everything to distract myself from crying or breaking down. It took me a year to get completely better. But the relationship still traumatizes me. so I always turn blind when someone tries to flirt with me.

A few years after that, I met my highschool friends. Tbh, I was kinda shy to met my highschool friends. Because me and my bf were  THE highschool sweetheart and everybody knows about us and how I turn a blind eye when he cheated on me for the 1st time.

To my surprise. They comforted me. they start to rant on how trashy my ex was anyway hahaha. I was honestly surprised. They continue to tell me, they know how my ex love to talk with other girls. Even some of my guy friends curse him for cheating on me after I gave him a 2nd chance.

One of my friends told me that cheating can become a habit. They just don’t have loyalty. With that being said, that is the start of me changing my thought that I'm not the only one to be blamed in this failed relationship.

However, the more I think back about it now, both of us were immature to take love seriously. He hurt me, so I hurt him back. It ends up as a battle of ego.

Not gonna lie, I'm still scared to jump into a new relationship. Because I'm scared of being cheated and I'm scared of being a toxic person to my partner. Idk when I will be able to overcome this fear. Ill worked on that.

I never had any friends whom I feel like they wanted me to fail. But I encounter one during my 1st year of Degree. At first, everything was just fine with this girl. But, the more I spend time with her, the more I will feel sick to my stomach….

The 1st red flag should have been when she told my fav lecturer, Dr. Z about how miserable I am after I broke up with my almost 5 years boyfriend. And that includes when I unconsciously pull and release hairband that was on my wrist (?) It was something I do during that time, only, whenever I wanted to stop myself from crying or whenever I zoned out. I will end up having bruises around my wrist. To make myself clear, I personally don’t think it’s a form of self-harm. I think it is just a bad habit from a bad heartbreak …?

Anyway I decided to feel safe when I told her how bad my heartbreak was. I use the term decided because that’s what I want to believe. That I am safe and I can trust this girl and pour my heart out to her.  I decided to trust her.

You guess it right, I trust the wrong person. And Dr. Z seems disappointed at me. Why? Because Im one of her fav student. She even told me that if she has a son, she wanted me to be her son’s girlfriend. (my fav lecturer were very childish hence the immature conversation) . I guess Dr. Z change her mind when something clicks as to why I sometimes skipped some lecturer when I'm not the type to skipped any school activity.

This girl, however, was in some sort of way, a good friend too. She was that friend that has the same level of humor as me. So laugh come out easily whenever we were together. And… she always cheers on me for whatever I do. However, she lowkey able to make me feel bad when I'm happy. She always gives me this crappy lecture on how lucky I am to be “perfect” (at least in her eyes ..) and how miserable she is. I know it sounds like nothing, but the tone she used while “beautifully” explaining how good my life is, was draining. Almost mocking me. And in the end, I feel bad about being happy around her.

My life is far from perfect. This blog was even created because of my crappy side of life that I can't really rant on my “real-life people” just because I'm not comfortable with the idea of telling other people my problem when they already have their own problem too.

Its good to note that, she was always the grumpiest during my birthday. Tell me which close friend will wish you a plain “happy birthday!” or “oh today is syaza’s bday” instead of properly wish my birthday. AGAIN, this might sound like a small matter, but I just can't understand how straight forward she is to not wanting me to be happy :’)!!

During one of my birthday where she refuses to wish me a happy birthday was when I live with her for a few weeks, she rants on how so many people are wishing me (because I was smiling the whole day. Some of my high school friends make a video to wish me a happy birthday and that I feel so happy ) and she will never be that happy cause no one loves her. She ends her rant with a big sigh. I end up feeling like throwing up. I end up feeling guilty about being happy for my own birthday.

Also, SHE DROVE ME CRAZY when she always gives other people from our school who live in the school dormitory SIDE EYES just because they were looking at us. OF COURSE, THEY WILL LOOK AT US, CAUSE WE NEVER LIVE HERE, WE ONLY HERE FOR A FEW WEEKS CAUSE THIS DORM IS CLOSER TO OUR TRAINING PLACE. Sometime i think she really want to have beef with everyone....

She also loves to criticize how hardworking I am whenever we have exams. Let me be honest with yall, I study hard for any type of exam, bcs im a slow learner. Whether it be an only mid-term exam or final exam. I will always do my very best. For eg, I have 3 different notes (i. simplified notes where I just cut, copy & paste an important section from our lecturer PPT for each subject. ii. Handwritten notes of mind map about the topic plus extra notes I get from other sources. iii. A very simple note with key points to help me memorize everything).

 It's just how I study! And who decided its good to criticize me for how I'm so “worked up” when it's just a midterm exam?? This girl did. She said it loudly & annoyingly too and of course, she will rant to everyone how smart I am when I got the best result honeyyyyyyyyyyy--------

and so I decided to stop spending too much time with her.

All this time, I try very hard to accept that it was just me. And I just can't vibe with this girl’s bad side. Because I believe everyone has their bad side, even I do. That’s why not everyone can vibe with us. Cause we have our own preference, who to like or not to like.

But recently, she fought with her best friend too. If I'm gonna be honest, part of me was relieved that I was not the only one who thinks she’s kinda wrong and had a negative impact on one life. Mind you, I can blow up if I reached my limit, but most of the time I'm a pretty reserved person. And that other best friend of her was nothing like me. But it was not for me to tell. 

So if you have a toxic ‘friend’. Here’s my advice:

o   If you don’t want to have bad blood with anyone (aka me, because I'm more peaceful that way) try to avoid being around that ‘friend’. Spend as little time as possible with that person. OR

o   Just cut them off lol. And have a beef thang. Lol jk, but

o   Do what's best for yourself. No one should make you feel bad about yourself. It's not worth it, if it cost your mental health.

Hi! Its Haru! I'm a 20 something old gal who just graduated from my ratchet university. I decided to create this blog so I can have a platform to be able to relate and discuss my slice of life with the people on the internet.So far my 20s look pretty bad, not gonna lie. But of course I'm grateful for all the little happy and beautiful things too. I'm pretty bad at expressing what I feel directly to a human beings. So, it causes me to build this huge mountain of dissatisfaction, anger and all the sad feeling in my head. and telling other people my problem was hard. But I guess I want people to read my story too. So I can be your motivation when you feel your life sucks HAHAHA. (or I can be motivated when you share your more sucks day(s)-story). IDK if anyone would read this, but if you do, and possibly able to relate or encounter the same thing with me. HIT ME UP (IDK how Tumblr really work, I used to go here only to download cool picture for phone lock screen etc, but whatever it is u do to “hit me up” im down.) Also, English is not my mother tongue, so shout out to any grammar nazi out there, again, HIT ME UP if my grammar/spelling/anything along that line is wrong cause I lowkey wanted to improve my English.