I am so fucking tired of fake ass fucking family & fake ass fucking friends. “I WonT Be AblE tO mAkE It To yOuR MoM’S FUnErAl BeCAuSe I WAs TrYiNg To SAve HaViNg To AsK FoR A DaY OfF AgAiN”. I’m sorry my mom dying is such a big inconvenience to you & your fucking job & the thing is there’s this beautiful thing called bereavement, all you have to do is show your boss the picture that I sent you & there you go, it’s excused. & “save having to ask for a day off again” for what? Is attending a funeral not a good enough reason. Friends popping up acting like they wanna be there when they were never fucking there during the literal hardest time of my life. B only actually showing up when my mom started hospice. T showing up after my mom died acting like he wants to hang out & be at my mom’s services when he was never fucking there in the beginning. D showing up like “oh my god, I feel like such a bad friend. How are you & your mom”. Like she’s dead bro, so what now? Were you not expecting that? Did you expect a different outcome although you knew my mom had cancer. I hoped for a different outcome too 😔. “oH, I GoT SiCk.” Okay but you weren’t sick enough to stop drinking, partying, trips to Disneyland & the beach. “Do YoU StiLl LiVe iN MoVaL?” Bitch, you were coming out here to moval to get dicked down by some fool you barely fucking knew but not once came to visit & now you wanna come visit me. Shut the fuck up, fuck you. Don’t come visit me, I don’t want to fucking see you. But you were too sick to check in right? J getting in his stupid fucking feels & disappearing. Oh but now that he’s probably catching on that my mom’s not here you wanna send me a friend request on discord like nothing fucking happened? I am so fucking over it bro, so fucking over it. Fuck all of you, I fucking hate all of you. If I never see y’all again it’ll be too fucking soon.

Welp, I messaged him & I never got a response. I dunno, I guess it could be for a number of reasons. He could be getting his revenge for me not responding to him the last couple of times he messaged me. Or he could've gotten another TextNow number. Or he could be going through it right now. I guess the reasoning doesn't matter. Because the thing is, I really don't want to repeat the same mistakes I made with V. I had zero self-respect & it was so fucking pathetic. Divine blockage is divine protection. God knows why, I don't want to force something that isn't meant to be. I'm not gonna lie there's a bit of anxiety that came with the silence, the feeling of rejection & it bruised my ego a bit. But it is what it is, I don't want to ruminate like how I've always fucking done. I just want to, for the first time in my life, truly have faith & trust in God's plan. I'm not gonna lie, it feels weird saying that sometimes. Because I don't think I'd even know what to do if my blessings would be delivered to me tomorrow. I don't know if I'm mentally mature enough to truly cherish it & protect it. I'm sorry, C. For my behavior, for ignoring you recently. I just didn't know what to say, I was going through a lot & I'm still going through a lot. I genuinely wish you & your family nothing but the best. May God protect you & your family, always. Goodbye, Tick.

My heart is so full of sorrow & despair. I dunno, not only am I missing C & I can't stop thinking about him but I just keep reflecting on myself. I feel so helpless & hopeless. I don't know what to do with my life. I kind of tried making it all cinematic the other day. Like, "Single mother from a small town in Southern California looking to reinvent herself. What will she do now?" And going back to C, I can't stop thinking about him. I've been thinking about messaging him but I when I think about reaching out I start overthinking like a mother fucker. I think about how "no, I can't do that because then he will think that he has be wrapped around his finger" or "what if this isn't just meant to be & I'm supposed to just let things fizzle out" or "genuinely, why are things like this so difficult for me, it doesn't make sense how I always do this. I always want to be in a position of power, I want to be the one that walked away & then when they're gone & after some time passes I start to miss them & I start questioning everything." What is it within me that I'm running from. I mean, I thought to myself that if I really wanted to message him that there's no harm in it, really. He's not like V, well I don't think he is. I don't think he'll tell me to fuck off. But that's where the question pops in my head. Am I doing it because I genuinely miss his friendship? Or is it something else? & say we can be "friends" (for now), is that even a good idea? Why do I want to message him so bad? To see how he's doing? Sure. But what else? Are you scared of being alone? I dunno, maybe but then again maybe not. I've been enjoying my alone time with my son recently. I feel guilty to admit but if I'm being completely honest that wasn't always the case. I had my own insecurities I was dealing with, that combined with the difficulties we ran into during our public outings made it difficult for me. But things have been getting a bit easier, public outings are a bit more chill now so I'm starting to become more comfortable & enjoy our mommy/son dates. What does being his friend even mean? Because sometimes it was hard for me to connect with him on a friendship level. Sometimes he made me feel like how everyone else would make me feel. Like what I was saying is stupid, why can't I just have a normal surface level like everyone else? He never directly said that but sometimes that's how it felt. Friendship with J is different. He never makes me feel stupid & he actually listens to what I'm saying. I know C doesn't mean to infodump as much as he does but it just makes the "friendship" feel so one-sided. I don't like not being heard, I don't like to feel like I'm annoying someone with what I have to say, I don't like feeling stupid. I was hoping to have some sort of clarity by the end of this rant but I have none. After I ask him how he's been doing, what then? What comes after? I know a big thing that holds me back is my pride but even after putting that aside, I question what my true motives are & I question if the decision I want to make is what's best for me or if I'm just dragging out a situation that isn't meant for me.

I feel so dumb. Like, WHY do I always do this. I'm the one that always tells them to "fuck off" & when they do I get sad and butthurt. I fucking miss C, man. It's so fucking weird. I was Like this over V and I never thought I'd feel this way over C. I genuinely never thought I was going to start liking him like this. But then again, a part of me questions if it's actually him that I like & I miss. Because when we were together all I fucking did was complain about shit & find something to be pissed off about. I am in no way trying to gaslight myself because I know I had every right to feel the way that I felt & to just want more for myself. I do regret some of my actions. I can really be a manipulative bitch sometimes. I caught myself. When I feel it in a man-that he's easy to guilt trip or talk to disrespectfully, I take advantage of that... I guilt tripped J a lot. I was so hurt by the betrayal that the anger took over. My eyes were filled with darkness, I wanted him to feel pain & I've carried that darkness with me. Some have tolerated more than others, V saw right through that darkness & had no interest in roaming in it. Which, I can't say I blame him. Now with C, I didn't sense guilt. However, I did sense something else. I knew I could be disrespectful to him & he wouldn't say anything. I don't want to assume that he wouldnt take offense but I guess it may be a good thing that we don't talk anymore. Because if he continued getting that version of me then I'm sure the day would come where he wouldn't be so tolerant of my behavior.... But anyways, I kinda wish we would've stayed as friends. I probably wouldn't have been so bothered by the out-of-pocket shit that he would say. And I know that even now, he'd probably be down to be friends. But for one, I don't know if I've fully detached yet. When I think about it, I think I'd be able to fully detach without it becoming a problem. But then again, I don't know if that's what's best for me. Situations like that are hard, especially if he's always gonna have it in the back of his head that he wants to get back together one day. He's not a bad person, I think I demonized him in my head because of my past trauma. He's not an ideal partner right now because of his emotional baggage but to be fair, neither the fuck am I & I'm fully aware of that. My heart feels like it's going to explode with all the fucking uncertainty that fills it. Please, I need strength & wisdom to choose the right the right path.

I want a sisterhood.