#highdiaries

I want someone that wears work boots, dickies, t-shirts, hoodies. Strong chest, broad shoulders & strong arms. Tattoos, specifically a Mayhem tattoo on their wrist, pirate ship on one forearm & the grim reaper on another, a couple of bucktooth bitches with fedoras on & wizard smoking a blunt on their chest. Soft skin but rough hands. Thick black beard, beautiful full lips. Strong nose & forehead. Blue/green eyes, glasses. Earrings. Long black hair. Wears Dior Sauvage & to top it off a deep (& I’m talking DEEP) voice that makes my body vibrate with the bass. Rides a Harley, plays bass/guitar, makes music, metalhead who’s in a couple of bands. Who doesn’t eat pussy, I guess. Doesn’t do anything mind blowing (in the bedroom, that is). Carpenter & that goes by the name……..

Yeah, someone very specific if you haven’t guessed it. I realized today that it’s hard for me to move on because when I try to picture myself with the ideal person of who I want to be with that description comes up & I think to myself, “Bitch, you literally just described…”

I dunno, I’m not really high anymore. Dab highs really don’t last that long but that’s alright. I feel so fucking stupid & pathetic for being hung up on a relationship that ended fucking 3 YEARS ago. I tried dating someone else. Mostly to try to get over you & it helped a little I guess but not really cause why the fuck am I feeling like this. Even when I see other dudes that could fit that description I can’t picture myself with them because they’re not you. I want the one that goes by the name…..

I know I’m repeating a karmic cycle. Because when I was with you I was still hung up on the one before you (not who you’re thinking). We’ll call him A. I “dated” him 3 months before you. Situationship, really. But I thought about him a lot, tbh. Although that wasn’t what led to our demise, I think I subconsciously self-sabotaged. I was hung up on A while I was with you & now I’m hung up on you still. A came back a couple of months after we broke up tryna see what was up with me; I just wasn’t into it & I don’t want to be with C (the one that came after you), something in my body is telling me this isn’t right for me. I feel so fucking stupid for being hung up on your ass. I’m like 98% sure you’re with someone else. I went lurking, of course, & I saw some shit that just stood out. She’s probably a better option, a better fit for you. Y’all could probably build a future together. It hurts my heart admitting that. But I guess that’s what love is all about, finding the one. The one that’s truly meant for you, two sides of the same coin. Something that should just feel right & natural; something that feels comfortable. While I was with you I tried molding myself into the person I thought you’d like. I always do that. I don’t know how to break these cycles & I’m certain that I will continue to self-sabotage until I’m able to break it.