what ever obsession i currently have

like shane likes the house colder because he hates getting too warm and would rather just wear some comfy layers and some thick socks, but ilya likes the house warmer because he likes having his tits out for his husband not wearing a shirt.

and i'm cackling about the idea of them fucking with the thermostat like. thirty times a day. trying to put it on the OTHER person's preferred temperature. because no YOU get to be the most comfy in our home. no!! YOU get to be at your most comfy temperature!!!

shit REALLY gets serious when shane has someone install a smart thermostat and now has control over it on his phone via app and refuses to give ilya the password and also changes the code on his phone because take THAT asshole. now he can LOCK the house to your best temperature. checkmate, motherfucker. >:)

they come into the locker room with like. OBVIOUS tension between them. and everyone is like oh?? a fight?? a married quarrel???

*shane* loves being praised and told how good he is, so he decides to flip it around and try it on ilya because that always goes so well with stuff like techniques in bed

but ilya gets hit with "fuck, you're so good to me" and 0.0 and before he can even START to recover from that, shane (who is still in the zone, eyes closed, just fully Lost In It) doubles back with a "god, you take such good care of me"

and ilya fully almost blacks out

@trigonometer

@perlukafarinn

@grabmyboner

@amarriageoftrueminds

My piece for the @dcfanmadezines Local lesbian aunt and her bi nephew hanging out after a hard night day of work.

Shane Hollander routinely uses sunscreen(for safety against skin cancer) and washes his face with a sensitive skin friendly soap in the shower. He uses the same bar for his entire body.

Beyond that his smooth skin is entirely coincidental. Ilya is very jealous of this. Ilya wears hair products, styles himself meticulously and has tried multiple skincare routines. None of which are giving him the supple skin he desires.

The first time Ilya goes to Shane's real apartment and not the sex condo he is outraged by the number of unused samples of skincare products, mostly because these brands are choosing to work with Shane when he knows for a fact that Shane does nothing to properly take care of his skin.

Shane's bathroom sink is barren.

Shane *enters Ilya's bathroom*: why do you have so much clutter in here

Ilya *outraged*: is not clutter Hollander we did not all climb out of womb and become world's prettiest man by accident

Shane *having no filter*: why do you bother with it if it doesn't work?

He becomes a consultant who shitty teams trying to not suck, good teams who want to last further into the playoffs, great teams who want to finally win the cup, call to Fix Them.

He is paid absolutely bonkers amounts of money to watch a team play for five minutes and immediately diagnose what’s wrong with them. He is always right.

Ok 5 minutes is probably an exaggeration. The coaches send him a bunch of tape to review in advance. They probably focus on their best players or the ones they think need the most improvement, but half the time Shane requests more, focusing on players they hadn’t paid much attention to before. Then one day at practice, the players look up into the stands and are filled with awe, terror, and wonder, because Shane Hollander is sitting there staring directly at them with a scarily thoughtful look on his face.

He meets with the coaches and gm and reports his conclusions. Who to trade and for who , how to get better results from certain players, how to run power plays and penalty kills, changes in line makeups.

Some lucky players get to meet with him. He takes about five minutes to list off or demonstrate everything they need to do to stop sucking. He has no time for chit chat or hero worship. Focus, listen, learn, and do exactly what he says and you will be good. Fail to do what he says and you will shame your entire bloodline.