died and came back wrong but only to myself. died and came back and nobody noticed i died. died and people think i came back better. died and came back wrong only in a specific sense of "wrong". died and fought like hell to come back and everyone thinks it was easy. died and came back mentally wrong and physically fine and tearing myself apart from the inside. died and hiding everything that went wrong. died and trying so hard to show what is wrong and nobody notices.
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I think this is something lost on the audience in the show that is explicitly implicit in the books.
Shane thinks Ilya is a sex god bc
1) he is "better at sex" than shane
2) shane up to this point hasn't had a successful and Very Good sexual experience. He literally says once Ilya dick is inside him that he "finally understands why people are sex- obsessed." It has clicked, and his brain says its because of ilya, not bc he is gay
3) ilya is a whore so that translates in shanes brain to very experienced, good at it, therefore sex god
They tease back and forth that ilya has ruined sex for shane bc no one else will do, and while shane is embarrassed by this, he agrees.
In TLG it comes out that ilya has maybe been with like 5-10 guys at most. Personally i think its the lower end of that. He specifically says that men are a "rare treat," implying that 1) its safer to pull women (he really is terrified of being outed and shipped back to russia), and 2) he only pulls men when he is missing shane so much he cant stand it.
Shane has canonically been with 3 men. Two pulls he didnt care for, and ilya. Again, in his mind, ilya is the key, but its not inherently bc of ilya's skill, its because of their crazy deep connection.
I LOVE that Jacob said this, because its not so explicit in the show. You get little tells (ilya's "wow" at Shane's desperation and automatic submission; his quick orgasms in ep1 - he is just as overwhelmed and turned on as shane is; his face the first time he fucks shane, especially when he goes in from behind) but in the end, ilya is so desperate to please shane and make it perfect that he just makes it happen out of sheer willpower. But the second he realizes shane is coming untouched under his he makes way too much noise, bites his lips to squash it (embarrased, wants to be more in control than that), and immediately comes. Its not inherent skill, its attention and the overwhelming desire to please, mixed with a little control freak energy and genuine exhilaration at Shane's automatic submission.
Shane knows he's the best. Especially in the books, Shane is proud of how good he is and knows he's the best and at least in his own private thoughts he's pretty cocky about it.
What he can't do is talk about it - he has to be humble and self-effacing and make everything a team effort because he doesn't get to come across as arrogant or cocky the way white players do.
That's part of why he can let his media persona drop around Ilya - Ilya knows exactly how good he is and he likes Shane being cocky about how good he is - he won't get offended or jealous or put off by it.
I saw a post about Shane and Ilya being sad that they can't thank each other in their acceptance speeches like other can with their spouses and it got me thinking:
Ilya wins his first awards and hes got nobody he really wants to thank after his team and coach cause he he hates his family but he knows his speech is too short so on impulse he goes "And I want to thank Shane Hollander for being slightly worse than me this season". Everyone knows it was going to one of those two, so everyone thinks hes an asshole to say that but whats new so it works for him. But from then on it then becomes a bit for both of them to thank each other in their speeches in a snide way as a reason they won.
Shane winning the Art Ross Trophy (Awarded to the player who leads the league in total points at the end of the regular season). and going "special thanks to Rozanov for missing at least 5 shots this season, he was a huge help"
Ilya winning the Conn Smythe Trophy (Awarded to the most valuable player for his team in the playoffs.) "Just want to give a quick shout out to Hollander for getting knocked out in the second round this season. Must hate to see me up here."
They find a way to mention the other in their speeches every time all the time.
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listen. I’m all for “writers deserving of having their boundaries respected” but this is so funny to me and like the funniest part is that I don’t think it’s even grounded in reality. like, how are you going to require proof that your readers are in your specific age range? why does it matter to you how old your readers are??? they are???? strangers???? why do you care? how does it affect you? 😭
but to be fair, this is some shit I did when I was 12 and thought I was edgy too. so I get it.
the idea that hollander "tamed" rozanov is really funny to shane because like. ilya finds it hot and is always going along with it, yes of course my husband is so sexy why do you think i moved to this boring fucking city. for dick. meanwhile shane knows the truth which is that ilya tamed himself. he herded shane like a sheepdog until he was exactly in the right position for ilya to flop down at his feet and say i love you, i am a one man guy, sleep with other people if you want but you are it for me, so shane is always there like ??? ilya. what are you talking about. i was literally prepared to be a secret slot on your roster for the rest of time without even admitting that i was gay until you decided to have me over make me lunch and say my name while you come like a love confession and ilya goes lyubmiyy. shut up. i was untamable you tamed the untamable and so shane has to be like yes, baby, i worked so hard, i used all my tricks but he's rolling his eyes because ilya wants to be a wolf shane coaxed inside to sleep on the hearth but instead he's a cat who snuck through the window and fell in love with his prey. self domesticated. and this is just one of the many perfect games they play
okay so i just read this post and it hit me like a truck that Ilya's diet in The Long Game is much stranger and more out of character than Shane's.
Now, I personally believe that there is something not-quite-mentally healthy going on in Shane's mind wrt food in TLG. I don't know if I would call it an ED but it doesn't seem altogether healthy either. It has to do with the way he thinks about food and the reasons he's not eating or drinking certain things. It feels a lot like anxiety and perfectionism and control issues being tranferred onto something completely unrelated and relatively minor as a kind of mental scapegoat. A way to compartmentalize and sublimate the mental torture he's going through. But I don't think he's physically unhealthy and I don't feel like his issues are like, directly related to food and body issues in a linear manner, per se? Like I think it's about performance and always improving and being The Best and chasing perfection but I don't think it's about size or weight or appearance. So I guess what I'm saying is that Shane's diet in TLG is probably actually very healthy. But that doesn't mean that Shane is well.
ILYA, HOWEVER. I saw a reblog on the post I linked above that said in the tags that Ilya eats McDonalds almost every day in TLG. And like, nobody who eats McDonalds with any kind of frequency is healthy. Physically OR mentally (I am an expert on this because I eat McDonalds probably 4-8 times a month and I am VERY physically AND mentally unhealthy). And that set off the alarms bells in my head because holy shit that's ANOTHER symptom of Ilya's depression and that's probably part of why Shane was so alarmed.
Maybe Ilya is too depressed to prepare his own food, or even like reheat and plate the meals his nutritionist prepares (because that's still prep. and dishes. and it requires executive function. it's so much easier to go through a drive thru when you're already on the way somewhere). Or maybe he's deliberately ignoring his nutritionist out of apathy and lowkey self-destructive, passively suicidal tendencies (if he could verbalize it, he might say something like, "why does my health matter? my life doesn't matter. besides, I'm probably not going to be around long enough for it to make a difference." but, crucially, I do not believe that he could verbalize it like that. if this is the reason he's eating so unhealthily, he's probably lying to himself about the reason). OR it's a comfort thing. Lots of depressed people overeat or choose comfort foods as a coping mechanism because it's easy dopamine. Maybe, for Ilya in TLG, it's all of the above.
But that also made me realize something else that is devastating me. BOTH Shane and Ilya were trying to express their concern for each other in their conversations about food.
Shane is depicted as being almost judgmental about Ilya's diet choices. This is consistent with their dynamic in HR. E.g. "Smoking's bad for you."; "I can smell the cigarettes from here."; "You shouldn't be smoking." Shane chastising Ilya for smoking, even from the very first hookup, is literally because he cares about Ilya. And Ilya starts off sarcastic ("oh, is it?") but look at episode 2 - "ugh, I had ONE!" - or episode 4 when we can infer that he had tried to quit smoking because of Shane. Shane being judgmental about Ilya's unhealthy habits is normal for them and it had worked! ...up til now.
Shane being judgmental about Ilya's diet is Shane saying, "I know this is alarming behavior for you. I know this is not healthy. I am worried about you. Please take care of yourself. Please live a long, healthy life, for me. Please love yourself and value yourself, physical health included, the way I do."
(It's exactly the same logic as Shane wanting him to quit smoking. Shane not wanting him to drive a motorcycle. Shane not wanting him to get a pilot's license. Shane NEEDS Ilya to be safe and healthy. TLG is all about mortality and the conflict between humans' desire to control/influence their own lifespan through deliberate choices and their utter helplessness in the face of things like illness (both mental and physical), injury and freak accidents.)
Ilya's always teasing Shane about his diet choices. That's 10000% in character for Ilya. All throughout HR, he was constantly teasing Shane, joking around, poking fun, ragebaiting him. That's kind of their schtick. Take, for example, episode 6: "I am always thinking of this slow fucking hockey player with beautiful freckles and a weak backhand. And he's so boring and he drives this terrible car." That was a super vulnerable and emotional moment for the two of them and Ilya was joking and ragebaiting Shane the same way he always does. And Shane liked it! Because that's their deal! When Shane was freaking out about his dad seeing them, Ilya joked, "maybe he didn't even notice." and Shane smiled and laughed a little. Ilya is irreverent. He is always bringing levity to serious situations. But that doesn't make him any less empathetic or sincere. Ilya teasing Shane about his diet in TLG is him doing what he's doing every time he teases Shane: making a bid for connection. Trying to open the lines of communication.
Ilya teasing Shane abiut his diet is Ilya saying, "I know this is alarming behavior, even for you. I know this is not mentally healthy. Please talk to me. Please let me shoulder some of this burden with you. Please don't destroy yourself in pursuit of perfection. Please realize that you are already enough. Please accept that you deserve rest and pleasure and softness."
BUT! This is what hurts the most! Their methods of communication, which had previously worked great for them, aren't working anymore!!
Shane is wound too tight, too anxious, too obsessed. Like that sculpture that's kept upright just by tension. He cannot loosen his grip even a little bit. He can't afford to. So he can't see Ilya's teasing for what it is. Because he misinterprets it, he gets defensive. And he's so fucking stressed that he doesn't have the emotional bandwidth to laugh it off.
Ilya is so fucking tired. Everything is so much more difficult than it used to be. He's drowning. And he hates himself for it. Whatever the reason he's eating unhealthily, he might feel ashamed and weak because of it. So he can't see Shane's "judgment" for what it is. He gets defensive. But he's in the pit of depression. He probably can't (or refuses to) articulate why he eats so much McDonalds (not in a second language way, in an emotions way). Which means he can't tell Shane that he's more sensitive about this topic than, say, smoking or motorcycles.
And they're both trying so hard! But they're both so unwell! And they're both hanging on by a fucking thread in their own lives, fucking clawing their way through every single day, that neither of them can process that their previously-reliable method of communicating isn't working anymore, let alone why, let alone how to fix it (cause as I'm sure we all know, being a good partner is fucking hard when you're fighting your own brain).
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with how deeply physical their bond is, i don't think that hollanov ever bothered to develop a safeword. i do think, though, that they developed-- by accident!-- a physical system to tell each other how they are feeling. and it definitely bleeds into their life outside the bedroom, and it's definitely subconscious at this point, and it definitely makes it into the locker room and onto the ice by the time they're both in ottawa.
which means maybe the centaurs have picked up on the fact that hey, sometimes when shane wants ilya to stop doing something, he taps his arm twice. or if ilya wants shane to move one way, he taps him three times. or if he just wants his attention, its a squeeze. which is all relatively normal, and they probably think its cute that they have an unspoken language for communicating with one another.
and then maybe-- by accident!-- it starts taking root as a thing, and then mindlessly troy or wyatt or bood accidentally double pats shane's arm to get him to stop talking to ilya for a moment, and shane thinks for a moment, that was a weird coincidence, and moves on. but then it happens again, and then maybe luca squeezes his arm to get his attention and then bood taps him three times to get him to move aside so he can walk past and shane feels himself flush to the ears and catches ilya's eyes across the room and ilya definitely noticed that too. so now what? they can't full well ask them to stop without saying, hey, so this was a sex thing. but it'd be weird to let it continue... right?
"The sex tells the story, so it never felt gratuitous to me. The sex is character development. The sex is what is moving this relationship forward, and watching it change over time."
i think …. there is a misconception that shane is a goody two shoes rule follower because he likes the actual rules …. but my take is not that really or at least not just that, it’s more that he likes to follow rules because he’s afraid of what happens if he’s caught not following them. it’s less ‘we must follow the speed limit because safety is important’ and more ‘if i get caught speeding it will be in the news and people will think differently of me and label me as a trouble maker then no team will want me and i will be shuffled off to the farm team or worse so i must follow the speed limit exactly at all times’. he likes rules because they give him guidelines on how to act, not necessarily because he thinks they’re Just and Right. just maybe something to think about when writing shane as a tight ass rules follower who does nothing wrong ever !
toddler shane refusing to talk after his hockey team lose a game. yuna & david are trying to be encouraging like “bud!! you played so good!!” and shane is ignoring them while climbing into his car seat where he’s going to angrily drink his juice box and then chew on the straw.
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If y'all thought Ilya reacting to Shane folding his clothes before was bad, just wait till you see him reacting to Shane pulling out the fucking tape measurer, to measure Ilya's dick, then sitting down on the bed to see roughly how deep it would go in him, while asking Ilya to take a picture of said action, so Shane can gauge how much he needs to mentally prepare for that. Ilya is dead and on the floor from so much love and lust overwhelming his heart and brain.
At a particularly low point during the Rose era, Ilya was up until 4am stalking the location of Shane’s cottage and then whoops! he paid a fortune to buy the adjoining plot of land.
Once they’re back together, Ilya has to decide whether to admit to the most insane thing he’s ever done or try to sell property in a country he doesn’t live in without Shane noticing.
shane starts thinking out loud during a trip up there together about whether he should go ahead and try to buy the adjoining lot in case they want to add a guest house one day or just want more privacy and ilya just
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