deancas trash

This post is neither on topic nor a light topic. :/

CW: abuse

.

.

.

So last week or so, I saw my abuser at the store. This happens semi-regularly. I never know when It will be there or how I'll react. No warning, etc.

The time BEFORE this recent time, I freaked and was upset in the bathroom and had to muster up a lot of strength to keep going.

This time, I had no reaction. Outwardly, anyway. I kept at my job, but I was so focused on a new fic idea that it really didn't bother me as much.

And then last night, I was scrolling facebook and who the fuck shows up in my People You May Know list?

I was shocked and in denial at first since there was no picture. "Just a common name?" I thought, but the birth year was right.

I blocked It on my current fb, my main-name fb, even searched to see if there were any other accounts (yes, one) and blocked that too. Then I deactivated RealName fb for now.

And then the protective buffer of productivity wore off and I started to cry.

It felt like the internet wasn't safe anymore.

The last I knew, It had almost no tech knowledge. Obviously that's changed.

I'm just glad there was no faces I had to see.

I always think I'm making progress. I have a tendency on good days to think "look how ~over it~ I am!" And then a fucking name on a fucking screen and I'm wanting to SI, to take meds again.

G, 1174 words, winter fluff bc we all need some right now

Dean and Sam and Cas are hanging out in the bunker watching movies and doing a truckload of absolutely Nothing Productive At All as they wait for the blizzard to end. At one point, Sam makes a joking comment about snow angels. Of course, Cas doesn't get it, but Dean doesn't blame him. Humans have a lot of oddball habits and games, after all.

So they explain how kids make angels in the snow, how they did ages ago, and Cas nods, his frown straightening out as he visibly understands.

It would end there, except Dean gets a completely random idea. And no, he's definitely not doing this because it's been ages since he and Sam made them. He's not that self-indulgent, okay? This is for Cas, to show him what they mean.

So they all traipse outside into the evening air, shivering and grinning up, admiring the unearthly way active snowfall has of taking various manmade illumination and scattering it across the sky so it all tinges that weird orangeyellow glow only seen in this season.

They walk until they find a good field, and then as Cas watches in amused confusion, Sam and Dean both find spots to tumble back and start etching out "wings" and... ...Well, hell, now that Dean's thinking of it, are the lower parts supposed to be legs or robes or some shit?

Sam gets to his feet and turns, frowning down at the ungainly oversized angel print behind him, and says something about it not meaning to be offensive, only a fun thing kids do.

But Cas is grinning, so Dean lifts his chin toward a clean patch of snow. "C'mon. Show us whatcha got?"

Cas drops down a little awkwardly, but he looks like he's having the time of his life as he carves out his own snow angel. That adorable smile breaks out across his face like the sun. Watching him, Dean feels young again- it's odd.