Ironoffline

i love these tags this person is so right

actually, can you imagine if dave was raised by B1 roxy?

i wanna get into this actually

(ok i had to spend a few hours rewriting this because IT DIDNT FUCKING SAVE AFTER FIVE HOURS OF WRITING WHEN MY COMPUTER UPDATED WHILE I WAS AFK so it would mean a lot to show this post some appreciation. i LOVEEE hearing what other people have to say)

even though these things mom does are presented in an extravagant, kitsch, jokey way, her intentions always came from a place of sincerity. she is simply Funnie

but rose reads too far into it and assumes things that aren't there, that her mother is passive-aggressively feigning interest in rose's interests simply because the things she does are so extra. "why do all of this if not to mock me"

im telling you right now if dave lived in this household he wouldn't assume antagonism, he'd go,

don’t forget who LITERALLY patented tangible jpeg artifacts as their post-scratch adult self and scattered shitty scummed up statue of liberties all over the planet. theres no way some of that overboard artful shit wasnt post-ironic / circling back around to genuine funny sincerity

dave's natural state is funny sincerity like roxy. he's had the natural capacity for this type of humor from the start and this is the direction he goes towards when he grows out of his brother's shadow by the end of the comic. dave and roxy share an earnest “so bad its good” type of humor

(lots more under the cut; the length of this meta analysis just got unwieldly with all the pictures and whatnot)

For example, smirk and chuckle hate tend to come from the same origin as the great Said is Dead debacle. In fact, the former tends to be a progression from the later. Someone tells you that you use said too much, so you replace your saids with smirks and chuckles and gasps. And they tell you that you’re using those too much as well. And you’re like, well what the hell do you want, then? Because they haven’t addressed the actual problem or provided real solutions yet! Why is using said too much bad? Why is using adverbs bad? What is the actual problem???

The actual problem is not the word said, or chuckled or whatever. It’s stiff, monotonous dialogue. 

Take this infamous section from My Immortal:

“That’s all right. What’s your name?” I questioned.

“My name’s Harry Potter, although most people call me Vampire these days.” he grumbled.

“Why?” I exclaimed.

“Because I love the taste of human blood.” he giggled.

“Well, I am a vampire.” I confessed.

“Really?” he whimpered.

“Yeah.” I roared.

If you replace every dialogue tag there with said, or with another adverb, it’s not going to fix the actual problem, which is that this dialogue is repetitive and dull.

So how do you actually fix the problem? You break the dialogue up with action and description. You drop tags entirely when they aren’t necessary. You vary sentence structure to create a rhythm that keeps the reader engaged. When sentence have the same length/pattern over and over, the brain starts to skim because it can predict what’s coming next, and you lose reader engagement. Writing is like music that way, and your sentences are notes. Play the same note over and over and people get bored. So here’s the same section, rewritten with more varied structure.

“That’s alright,” I said, leaning closer to the young man. “What’s your name?”

“My name’s Harry Potter.” He pushed his hands into his pockets and looked away, expression sour. “Although most people call me Vampire these days.”

It wasn’t hard to guess why. I’d been called vampire for the way I dressed more than a few times. Being goth in a school full of preps could really suck sometimes. Harry’s eyeliner and mesh look suggested he was familiar with the cruelty of the Hogwart’s Prep-tiarchy.

“Why?” I asked anyway, feigning ignorance. Harry’s bitter expression lightened at my sarcastic tone.

“Because I love the taste of human blood,” he said in an exaggerated Dracula impression, grinning lopsidedly and posing with his hands like claws beside his head. He flexed them at me menacingly and I laughed.

“Well,” I said, an amused glint in my eye. “I am a vampire.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

Is that groundbreaking work? Nah, it’s still My Immortal. But it’s more engaging to read!

The second problem- presenting things as Rules which would be better as exercises. Cutting said or adverbs from your vocabulary forever is stupid and its only going to keep you from writing. But as an exercise it can be helpful! Think you’re using said too much and want to practice finding other ways to append your dialogue? Write something short while trying not to use said at all, trying to push yourself to use as many different creative ways to avoid it as possible. Not just replacing it with adverbs, but trying new things to actively make your dialogue more dynamic.

hopefully this reads well lmao but i drew this for anon 

if you want to draw a bipedal animal that is not usually bipedal, there are 2 routes u can use to make it look balanced and not just like a dog standing up begging for treats like the guy on the left. 

the main thing to understand about digitigrade legs (including hoofed legs) is that the ankle is always under tension - it has to support the entire weight of the animal. the mechanism to support that weight is the achilles tendon (in red) and if the animal is standing up then the tendon is always taut. because of this taut tendon attaching to the heel of the animal, you won’t actually see much visible calf muscle, and the leg will appear deeper than it is wide (from the front anyway) 

for a more upright stance (right) you have to mess with the proportions a bit and straighten out the leg, so it looks a bit like a human on tip-toes. this guy, however, could not possibly revert to all-fours comfortably. 

if u want to keep the sense of tautness in the legs, you have to make sure the angle of the ankle isn’t too extreme, because then it looks like it could fold in on itself at any moment. 

I used to work at McDonalds (I know). Opening usually involved me at the front counter with a headset on so I could do drive-through orders and handle making coffee / putting orders together / taking money at the front from the little old people that came in at the crack of dawn every morning. We would also have a manager who was there to be important and one person in the kitchen. We’re a small rural town so usually this is fine but we were on kind of a major highway so sometimes it would get busy out of nowhere.

Depending on the manager the amount of help we had would vary wildly. One morning we got super busy and I started cracking under the pressure. I’m a fantastic multi-tasker but my drive-through line was backing up since I was trying to juggle them and all the walk-in folks from my front registers and when it gets packed…well, it’s fun. I glance around trying to find my manager for help. I see him on one of our cameras – he’s outside smoking a cigarette around the side of the building. Mind you, this is like his third trip out to smoke this morning. I’m absolutely dying trying to get caught up. Customers are being passive aggressive saying they will come behind the counter and get their own coffee and stuff. I have people yelling at me in my headset from the drive through. I end up having to remove the headset just to try to get the frontline sorted. I start making progress with the front but I basically had to sacrifice the drive-through customers for two minutes.

Apparently the cars outside start yelling at my manager and interrupt his smoke break so he comes in, sees me with my headset off and goes berserk. He’s like “WHOS TAKING THE DRIVE-THRU ORDERS?” I’m in the middle of trying to get a fresh pot of coffee going so I sort of auto-respond “No one. Hang on.” as I continue to dash around behind our counter to grab a fruit & yogurt parfait for an order. He basically gets in my way and starts giving me shit. Loudly, talking to me like I’m a dog. I point to the camera and yell, loudly enough to disrupt the entire inside of the restaurant. “I’m these two registers, first window, second window, and I’m bagging. I’m like FOUR PEOPLE and you’re out behind the building not doing SHIT!”

His eyes go wide. I can tell he knows I’m holding on by my last thread. He’s sighs. And he’s like “You’re in a ton of trouble but we can talk about this later.” No. Fuck him. I’m done. I’m all riled up from random customers yelling at me. I toss him the headset. “You want to give me shit for not being able to run like four stations with no support? Run five. I’ll watch.” I remove my name badge.

He went to say something to me. I turn away, facing the one girl working in the kitchen who is watching this all play out. I remember telling her “I’m so sorry.” and then I dropped my name badge, toss my hat on the counter, grab a water cup, put on (and zip) my jacket so my uniform is covered up. I go to the drink fountain, fill my water cup, and then I go sit on the far side of the seating area and watch him go down in flames. He ends up ALSO taking off the headset and picking up the phone so he can spam call the whole workforce one by one trying to call for help. It’s like 5AM so no one is going to accept a call from their work number. About ten minutes into his struggle he ends up very loudly pleading with me to come back from behind the counter. I can’t even see him on the other side of the sea of people swarming the counter at this point.

I call back “I need a smoke first!” and I go outside.

I don’t smoke. I’ve never smoked. I drive home.

I was working two jobs at the time, one of them at Blockbuster (I know, I’m dating myself here) which I actually enjoyed because I love movies and I got ten free rentals a week.

The problem was, I was also living alone in my first apartment and I didn’t have a car. I had a bicycle. It was a two mile ride from my apartment to work, one way. Work was also on the busiest street in town which meant I was dodging traffic most of the time. My second job was about a quarter mile up the road from Blockbuster.

Despite the two jobs, I was struggling. My power kept getting turned off and I couldnt keep food in the house, in part because of my transportation issues. I had reached a point of just ordering a large pizza every friday and just making that stretch all week. Just to let you know what kind of headspace I was in.

So on the day in question, i bike out at an unholy hour of the morning to my first job, sorting paper files in an uninsulated, unfurnished trailer out back of a place that sold power wheelchairs. I work a full shift with a lunch break, and then head to the Blockbuster for the evening shift, where I work until eleven at night.

While I worked, my bike was parked in the locked back room because they didnt have a bike rack out front or anywhere else to chain it where it wouldn’t get stolen.

So at eleven, im burnt as hell, all ive eaten today is one of those red baron microwave personal pizzas. I just want to go home, eat my cold week old pizza and sleep. I get my bike out of the back and head home, leaving the shift manager and another employee as they finish closing up for the night.

Its raining, of course. So i bike two miles home in the rain, at eleven at night, after working since at least eight that morning.

I get home, and as i get inside and drop onto the couch, i get a call from work. Turns out I accidentally brought the backroom keys home. I apologize cause thats my own stupid fault. But then the shift manager says i have to bring them back, immediately. She knows i bike to work. Its almost midnight and its pouring rain. I tell her i cant do that.

She and the other employee both have cars. It would take her all of five minutes to come and get the keys from me. Versus waiting a half hour or more for me to bike my exhausted ass back up there in the rain. But shes set on this.

And this manager has this particular quirk of using resignation forms to threaten people. Like waving the physical forms at people to make them do what she wanted. And she’d been escalating with this where it was like her go to thing anytime anyone did anything she didnt like.

I dont know if she decided she needed to teach me a lesson or she just didnt feel like driving over. But she wont come get the keys and pulls out her usual shit. She says if i dont do it, she’ll have my resignation form filled out when i show up tomorrow morning (you know, when i was going to be there for opening and could have given her the keys anyway).

If I’d had an ounce of sense I might have just done it for the sake of $7 an hour. But I was too tired to give a shit anymore. So i call her stupid bluff. I say “alright, see you then” and i hang up and ignore all subsequent calls.

The next day she was sheepish and it was obvious she’d been bluffing. But she wouldnt back down either, so I signed the papers and peaced the fuck out.

Turn it into an exercise! Write down all the little bits you want to do something with, and then find a way to frankenstein them together.

What’s the world you want to visit? Candyland motherfucker.

Idea you want to explore? I’ve been wanting to write something that tackles the concepts of personhood and how we define intelligence for a while, let’s do that.

A person you want to meet? I like noir detective types put in absurd situations that clash with their aesthetic.

Conversation you want to hear? I’ve got about 70% of an argument floating around in my head about how most forms of government break down at any scale larger than a city state vs the greater efficiency and freedom allowed by large scale government.

Emotions you want to express? I am so got dam scared and angry all the time and I’d really like to write about someone as scared and pissed off as I am getting to just really wreck some shit and go full godzilla.

Impossibilities you want to make real? Everyone is gay and no one cares and we can make babies out of dirt like the amazons if we want 

Now we just mash that shit together.

MC is a noir detective type wizard in candyland whose magic is based on absorbing the properties of things he eats but he’s got an eating disorder which hampers his powers and more importantly is ruining his life and health, but he focuses on the first part because he has a self destructive streak and bases all his self worth on how good he is as magic. Central conflict is between the human-centric candy government and the population of candy-based life forms whom the government is reluctant to extend full personhood too. This is reflected in the interactions between Wizard Detective and the candy-person Magic Scientist he ends up working alongside. Eventually the Wizard Detective and Candy Magic Scientist discover that all candy is basically alive. A giant candy golem channeling all the fear and anger of all the candy people and candyland itself rampages through the city as Wizard Detective and Candy Magic Scientist try to stop it without killing it and also figure out how to make people understand that the candy they eat, and build their homes with, and in some cases are literally made of, is alive and intelligent, albeit in a way that is almost unrecognizable to us.

Boom, there’s your story. 

Now take your Frankenstein of ideas and go write it. Even if it’s weird or goofy or full of self inserts giving impassioned speeches about the shit you care about. All that matters is that you get that shit on the page. 

The rest of the class action lawsuit is hereby…

(SLAM) (SLAM)

THROWNITY OUT!

Violet Beauregarde deliberately chose to chew a piece of gum that Wonka specifically told her not to- which he told her was experimental and not yet fit for human consumption. She ignored his protests and warnings, and instead chose to chew the gum. Furthermore, despite her deliberately defying Wonka’s orders and coming to harm due to her own actions, Wonka still chose to help mitigate the ill effects of the experimental gum; although it wouldn’t have passed in a medical context, Wonka did not have a full medical staff on hand necessary for such a procedure, and instead made do with what he had, ultimately saving her life.

Veruca Salt deliberately chose to interfere with the animals Wonka had trained for use in his factory despite him telling her to not get close. Furthermore, Veruca Salt attempted to steal one of Wonka’s trained animals, and unlike many of the other children, was only covered in garbage for her trouble, due to the squirrels throwing her in the garbage bin where they put all the nuts they deem “bad”. She was subjected to no harm, other than needing a bath afterwards.

Mike Teavee, much like Violet Beauregarde, played around with experimental technology despite being told not to. And as a result, he was shrunk to a miniature size, roughly the size of a mouse. And much like Violet Beauregarde, Wonka used what he had on hand to fix Mike’s body back to working order, in this case enlarging him, albeit to a much larger size than he was prior to the incident.

Furthermore, the tourists did all sign waivers upon entering. And while contracts signed by a minor may not be valid, these were signed with and by their legal guardians as well, which im fairly certain makes them binding.

Additionally, i would be surprised if there wasnt a non disclosure agreement included in that paperwork, considering wonkas secrecy and the slugworth issue. Wonka could then reasonably sue them for any public discussion of what they saw inside the factory.

The rest of the class action lawsuit is hereby…

(SLAM) (SLAM)

THROWNITY OUT!

Violet Beauregarde deliberately chose to chew a piece of gum that Wonka specifically told her not to- which he told her was experimental and not yet fit for human consumption. She ignored his protests and warnings, and instead chose to chew the gum. Furthermore, despite her deliberately defying Wonka’s orders and coming to harm due to her own actions, Wonka still chose to help mitigate the ill effects of the experimental gum; although it wouldn’t have passed in a medical context, Wonka did not have a full medical staff on hand necessary for such a procedure, and instead made do with what he had, ultimately saving her life.

Veruca Salt deliberately chose to interfere with the animals Wonka had trained for use in his factory despite him telling her to not get close. Furthermore, Veruca Salt attempted to steal one of Wonka’s trained animals, and unlike many of the other children, was only covered in garbage for her trouble, due to the squirrels throwing her in the garbage bin where they put all the nuts they deem “bad”. She was subjected to no harm, other than needing a bath afterwards.

Mike Teavee, much like Violet Beauregarde, played around with experimental technology despite being told not to. And as a result, he was shrunk to a miniature size, roughly the size of a mouse. And much like Violet Beauregarde, Wonka used what he had on hand to fix Mike’s body back to working order, in this case enlarging him, albeit to a much larger size than he was prior to the incident.

Furthermore, the tourists did all sign waivers upon entering. And while contracts signed by a minor may not be valid, these were signed with and by their legal guardians as well, which im fairly certain makes them binding.

Additionally, i would be surprised if there wasnt a non disclosure agreement included in that paperwork, considering wonkas secrecy and the slugworth issue. Wonka could then reasonably sue them for any public discussion of what they saw inside the factory.

for starters, there’s Twine, which is fucking great for making all kinds of interactive experiences (it’s what Crystal Warrior Ke$ha was made in so you KNOW it’s good) at all skill levels (i picked it up and made a game in two minutes a few nights ago)

if you want a bit more involved experience there’s Inform 7 which is a simple language for text-based adventure games that reads like slightly-weird English and also relatively easy to learn

you can do some pretty fucking cool stuff with Unity (my personal engine of choice) but you may need to dig a bit farther to get at the good stuff. there’s lots of really good presets though (i made an entire game just mixing and matching pre-existing templates and adding in my own art, won an award at a game jam for that one) and if you want help the community’s pretty dang friendly from what i’ve seen!

2D Editors:

GameMaker : Potential for pure drag-and-drop “programming”. It is recommended to read-up on the program’s functions to make good use of it. Good for prototyping. Uses its own language called Game Maker Language (GML) that is similar to a C language (e.g. C++ or C#). For both Mac and PC; free version available.

Construct2 : Drag and drop level editor that uses an “If-Then” event sheet structure for programming. Good for prototyping and for beginners. For PC; free version available.

GameSalad : Drag and drop with no code requirement. Good for programming. For both Mac and PC; free version available.

Solpeo : HTML5 based game engine for 2D and isometric game development. Some programming knowledge needed. Platforms supported: Chrome, Firefox, Internet Explorer 9+. Free version available.

Stencyl : Drag and Drop “programming,” templates you can edit the variables/values for.

Scratch : Lego-block-style coding platform by MIT; totally free and a great intro to thinking in code. Very kid-friendly and comes with a community site. Browser version available.

3D Editors:

Unity : 3D editor that creates 3D games. Can build games for browser, as an app, or for mobile devices (iOS and Android). For both Mac and PC; free version available.

UDK (Unreal Development Kit) : Full-fledged, highly advanced editor. Features a complete set of tools that go from level design to visual scripting to cut-scene creation. Uses it’s own programming language called Unreal Script that can be arranged with Kismet, a visual code editor. For Mac and PC; free.

2D Art/Animation Software:

GIMP : Free photo editing and digital painting software.

Easy Paint Tool SAI : Free digital painting software with a UI similar to Photoshop.

Mischief : Free digital painting software with an endless canvas.

3D Art/Animation Software:

Sculptris : From the company that created Zbrush, this free software is ideal for beginning 3D sculptors.

Maya : Animation, VFX, lighting, and rendering software.

Magical Voxel : Voxel Art (3D Pixel Art). Very intuitive and quick to pick up.

SketchUp :  Architectural modeling software, great for creating 3D environments and buildings. Free version available.

Text-Based Games:

Twine : Create interactive text stories using Twine’s visual map system that links your game together. Easy to learn and use. End result is browser-based. For Mac and PC; free.

Quest : Interactive text stories that you can build in-browser.

Ren’Py : Create visual novels using a modified version of Python that reads like a combination of stage directions and a CYOA novel. For PC, Mac, and Linux; free.

Audio Resources/Editors:

Indie Game Music : This site offers free indie music with no need to worry about royalties or licenses.

Audacity : A free, open-source, cross-platform sound editor that allows you to record and arrange sound.

Super Flash Bros. : This site allows you to record theremin-like (8bit) sounds and export them as .wav files for your games.

FL Studio : Free music composition software.

Miscellaneous Tools:

Donjon RPG Tools : Randomly generates maps, items, XP, etc.

W3Schools : Web-code tutorial database: HTML, CSS, Javascript+.

Debut Video Capture : Video screen capture to record Let’s Play videos, showcase your game on Youtube, etc.

Korsakow : Free tool for creating interactive and database films.

Processing : Flexible programming language used for visual and interactive artworks and simulations.

From Student to Designer, Part 2 : Tips for making a well-rounded, solid portfolio

Places to Publish/Share:

Itch.io : Platform for self-publishing games

Having an extended conversation in Mime with the Doctor through a window while the Doctor is also on the other side of a window, while the villain who is in the room they are both looking into watches, flabbergasted.

“You just want to mate?!”

The doctor, on a segway, stonefaced. Donna, also on a segway, in a wedding dress, cracking the fuck up.

“I am Sparticus.” “And I am also Sparticus.”

The Doctor and Donna nervously approaching a stack of books which they are concerned may be alive, reaching out very slowly and carefully to poke them, and collectively shitting their pants as a loud voice goes off behind them.

this is the purest video you will see all day, it includes not only practical advice on how to make cats feel comfortable but also:

the most patient and long suffering clawdia

bob ross, but a vet 

squish the cat

squish the cat, but with a towel

absolute unit mr. pirate

a little chubby but quite beautiful

I had to help him up on my shoulders because he’s never done it himself before. But once I got him up there I squished him, he started purring like nobody’s business. I carried him around our entire apartment, up and down staircases, and he was so happy. He didn’t try to leave once! When I put him down he head butted me and meowed and was super affectionate. And of course I gave him a treat.

“ All women are beautiful”

but what you probably mean is:

“All women have value.”

Join prof.Peach in the greenhouse this week as we talk about bulbasaur, their common issues and how to remedy them.