"What on earth"? Nothing.

If I was invited to the Met Gala I'd spend the morning before in Brooklyn thrifting together an outfit

And I'd arrive with more cunt than half the people there

This is better than any snl sketch

I can tell that she was NOT expecting that last part.

help i just heard the worst most heterosexual hallmark movie retail playlist ass song ever and i was thinking this is like if tswift was worse and right at that moment my 60 year old bostonian coworker turns to me beaming and goes This is the best taylor swift song its for the new toy story movie

if you have to rely on specific scripts or turns of phrase to socialise that's totally fine, but you must NOT reveal them to your friends while slightly drunk. it's like showing how the magic trick works, you can't do it in front of them afterwards

i like dogs a lot but i can never remember the differences between breeds (apart from the few types i've actually owned/interacted with). but i know people looove their dogs and love talking about their dogs, so whenever im talking to a dog owner i'll ask what breed it is, and no matter what breed they say i'll say "oh! i've heard they have a really nice nature :D" and they always go YESSS THEY'RE GREAT and start gushing about their dog and we have a nice conversation and i build social credit with this person. anyway i told my friends about this script a few weeks ago when slightly drunk and now every time we're in public together and a dog goes past they turn to me and ask "does that one have a nice nature?" im in a hell of my own making

500 years from now there’s gonna be some film historian who’s entire career is built off of searching for a copy of goncharov

and they're never gonna find it cuz they fucking took it off poob

as a child i assumed that martha’s vineyard was a fancy private vineyard owned by martha stewart and the reason rich people vacationed there was because they were friends with martha

do you think the pieces from chess are all actually mad at each other or are they just like actors

#they're like commedia dell'arte players. they play the same trope/type role every game but with different improvisations. (via @chicago-geniza)