And I Love You Random Citizen!

“scientists don’t want you know” is a phrase that always cracks me up because if you actually meet a scientist they will be shaking and crying like an overstimulated chihuahua with the need to let you know

well look who it is. my old friend. the conses of my quences.

do not 10k me stop that

*touching his extremely defined six pack* who did this to you.....

I guarantee that Monica at the front desk has not been able to live this review down and her coworkers absolutely bring it up regularly.

If I were Monica I'd print this review out and frame it

I thought it was like a modern take on the book but no yall are just collectively reading actual Dracula and liveblogging it like Jonathan Harker is an influencer or some shit. Never change

TFW your boyfriend is a 17th Century Catholic vampire who is NOT OVER™ the Glorious Revolution of 1688.

Ok i was expecting red flags and shit but I’m not sure what color this flag is but there’s a flag and I’m confused.

ITS TIME TO STOP

City girls buy vibrators. Stone age girls make yabba-dabba do.

I wanna fucking yabba-dabba die

Now when I see a person with blue eyes, I’ll know they’re a descendant of Ocean-Eyed Slut Man.

You leave great grandpa ocean-eyed slut man alone, he was just living his life

Actually, since this was determined using mitochondrial DNA, the ocean-eyed slut would be a woman, not a man. Mitochondrial DNA is passed down by mothers.

Gram-gram knew how to party

dear ocean eyed party gram-gram thank u for spreading your weird eye mutation and giving every fanfic writer a reason to know an unholy amount of synonyms for the word ‘blue’.

All Hail Grandmother Cerulean Orbs

I appreciate John’s story but the fact that OP blurred out Amy Schumer is the funniest think I’ll see all week and it’s only tuesday.