Stop breaking my fucking heart, thank u

I don’t want a soulmate, I want a soul nemesis give me one of those

I see you and am immediatly filled with anger. Not even righteous anger, just pure rage at the sight of your face. We take it slow, flipping each other off from across the room at parties and sending threats written in blood to each others homes before we finally act on our feelings by duelling in the parking lot of Costco at midnight. We both were so blinded by rage that we forget to bring weapons, and end up hurling insults at each other before a night watchmen calls the police. We end up in a shared holding cell.

this is so romantic

how on earth did it take me so long to realize i’m aro

Pollution is way down. Pandas are finally screwing. Extinct animals revealing they aren’t extinct. Our greatest minds have spent countless years trying to save the Earth, and all we had to do was get out of the way.

Only acceptable use of the phrase

This is what Ben Franklin really did.

I’m screaming! Lol

✨Magical ⚡️

Just boil the hell out of it

That’s how they make holy water in the first place, isn’t it?

Nah, a priest can bless any old water and suddenly its holy. Glad they've stopped with the 'blessing water prevents bacteria' tho. Thats progress.

This is better than any romantic comedy Hollywood could ever put out.

Se me está yendo el cariño que le tenía a ciertas personas. Se me están yendo las ganas de remar una conversación que no tiene sentido. Se me están yendo las ganas de insistir, de buscar, de intentar. Se me está yendo el interés y creo que está bien, porque merezco más que eso