InternallyPediatric

And you get to take off the bra that you’ve been wearing for 29 hours

.... and get to schedule a twofer well child check for a baby and a diabetes follow up for her mom

... and you have a patient with a lot of different consultants

... and you slowly realize that their all using your one-liner in their notes instead of the primary teams because it’s objectively better

... and they try to give hydroxizine (atarax) for a delirious patient to “help calm them down”

... and you have to explain to your attending that, no you did not in fact order an anticholinergic medication with the intention of sedating an elderly patient

Attending: [stares blankly] She’s 3 weeks old. How in the hell did she elope?

InternallyPediatric: I mean, I’m pretty sure she had an accomplice (because the mom was gone too). Either that, or she’s REALLY motor advanced.

... and after you talk to the parents, they’re really confused because he’s never actually complained of chest pain

... and then you read the notes and realize the other ER felt like he was clutching his chest a lot but wouldn’t tell them what was wrong

... and then you examine him and realize that he’s “clutching” his chest because the breast pocket of his shirt is LITERALLY FULL OF BALLOONS and he’s protecting them because he doesn’t want anyone to take them

... and a congenital heart patient in their 30s rolls in

... and is hemodynamically unstable due to AFib w RVR

... and no one (including attendings) has any idea what to do

Meanwhile, you’re just like:

... and while reading about poisonous plants, a paper mentions that monkshood and wolfsbane are the same plant

... and you feel like such a nerd because your reaction is literally:

Thanks, obsessive Harry Potter knowledge!

Number of Uncrustables eaten: 2

Amount of shame: 0

... and the respiratory therapist looks at you (a female resident, clearly wearing your doctor color-coded scrubs and your fleece that says Dr. InternallyPediatric) and asks you to go get some equipment for them

... and you’re a little taken aback, because a) you’re helping do a procedure and otherwise occupied b) you have no idea what he’s asking for and c) no idea how to get it in the ED

... so you mumble out, “Uhhh sorry, I don’t work down here, I don’t know where that is.”

... and the fellow catches on and says, “Uhhh... she’s the resident, he’s the nurse” and gestures to the male nurse (who’s clearly wearing the nurse color-coded scrubs, and is clearly in the helping-provide-stuff role, not the helping-with-procedure role)

... and the RT goes, “Oops, sorry, I thought she was the nurse”

... and you say, “It’s fine, no worries”, because if you got upset about this kind of thing anymore, you’d lose your mind at least 2-3 times a week (and probably also get a reputation for being a stuck up bitch who’s “difficult to work with”)

... and then, while everyone else is busy and the suction is loud, just loud enough that only you can hear, the fellow says:

“It’s not fine. That shouldn’t happen and I’m sorry it does.”

... and you expect to have gained weight, because you haven’t worked out ONCE the whole block

... and you find out that instead, you somehow lost 10 lbs in 2 weeks

... and you realize that, when you think about it, you’ve been eating one meal a day most days

... and suddenly, your occasional (regrettable) snippy tone for the 5 AM calls to replete K of 3.8 start to make a little more sense

... and starts to groan

... and asks you how your trip to Italy was

... and you’re confused, because you only had 2 days off, and you’ve never been to Italy

... and he responds:

“You should really consider going. Your black cloud is so bad, it needs a full blown exorcism to get rid of it... and I think it’s gonna require some pope-level skills”

... and you suck at ICU

... and all of your patients are mad unstable

... and you have to call in multiple attendings overnight to do procedures on your patients

... and meanwhile you’re just watching them, hoping they don’t code before someone gets a line in them

... but then you realize that you’re going to start having to do q4 30 hour call for A LOT of your upper level rotations

...and you’re REALLY concerned that he could have a PE

...but you’re on peds, so getting a chest CTA and starting him on a heparin drip would be A BIG DEAL

...and your attending turns to you and asks, “Would a chest X-ray show a PE?”