#pgy1

attending : YOU ARE THE DOCTOR!! All residents burst out laughing as I face palm myself

well, that’s why I went . really anyone I expected to be there was not there anyone I was hoping to be there was not there so it was just his family and one other person from our team.

I am NOT going anywhere with his wife cause she was eager to go farmers market trips.

4 weeks before I finish my pharmacy residency program, I find out that because my dad stopped paying the mortgage for nearly a year and refuses to take a loan from his 401 to pay off the owed amount, we’re going to lose the house.

His response when my mom asked where we are going to go was that he’s okay living in his truck. When asked where my mom and I would stay, he responded “you’re on your own.” Now my mom wants a divorce and he suddenly changes his mind. She’s not giving in this time. He has the audacity to ask for them to give it another try. He’s been given hundreds of chances to change over the course of ≈36 years of marriage. Anyways, we’re racing against the clock to sell the house before it officially goes into foreclosure. At least now the mortgage company sounds okay with it, which makes sense because if the house sells, they get the mortgage paid + interest.

We have until July to have the house ready to post pictures and the market listing. Which means we can keep some things, some pieces on furniture. The realtor literally said to just clear out the clutter.

Fast forward to a week before I finish residency, and I’m getting real tired of the shit both my dad and my mom are putting me through.

I told my mom I wanted to start packing my room because it will take a while. She said it won’t and that I should start with my clothes containers (stuff is already packed so I don’t understand why that’s top priority over everything else that is in disarray). I do it without argument.

Then she wanted me to pack the clothes in my closet. Again, this is an easy task, versus the rest of my room being more difficult and time consuming. I tell her I really need to work on my room. At this point she was already planning that we’d clear out my dresser and toss it out since I’m not using it. But this also means removing various collectibles and unplugging electronics and the tv that rests on top of it. I know for a fact it would take a long time so I didn’t understand why the closet was higher priority than this.

We try to pack one of my book shelves. It’s quite literally plastic containers I bought online and assembled individually. They’re more like display cases with a door. They have two tiny little nubs at the bottom to stack them on top each other. My mom comes in my room saying we need to pack it. Her idea was to wrap it together (with all the books inside), despite me telling her it’s going to come apart because they are separate and the books are too heavy that the frame can’t support the weight in any other direction. Stubborn-ass lady goes ahead with it anyway and of course I’m forced to help. And the very thing I said was going to happen, happened and so we had to undo the wrapping and rewrap each case individually. Would have saved time had she listened to me the first time. I know my shit, I know what I bought, and I’m familiar enough with different materials and physics.

Also, this whole time, I’m reminding her I need to work on the messier parts of my room first because 1) my room hasn’t been cleaned since January because residency has been intense af, and 2) because I’m forced to store things in my room that I shouldn’t have to, it will take me a long time. But no she wants to move the “easier” already-packed bulky items first. I go along with it because I obviously don’t have a say.

On a couple previous rant posts from around 2020 and later around 2024, I mentioned the hand gun my dad went looking for in the middle of an argument with my mom. He didn’t find it then. Not too long after, my mom and I found it and kept it hidden in the same spot we found it. Sometime in 2024, it was no longer there which could only mean he found it since neither my mom nor I moved it. Last week he was packing his gun collection to have his brother hold them for now. He then said he never found that handgun so he’ll have to “report it missing to the police”. Alarm bells rang in my head soon after hearing it. If he reports it missing, he can do what he wants with it and avoid getting caught if he’s careful. I spoke up and said he had to have been the one to move it because mom and I found it. He tried to blame it on the people who came to repair/remodel the kitchen and the bathroom. The handgun was there years after the construction was done, so I know he’s lying.

This weekend past, he sprayed tko nonselective weed killer by the external AC unit and outside the bedroom windows. He knows damn well from the previous times he sprayed pesticides and herbicides, that the fumes get into the AC and comes through the windows. I could barely breathe. My throat was irritated, I couldn’t stop coughing. I ran outside to see what was going on and saw him spraying the stuff across the weeds in the front yard (btw this product is not supposed to be sprayed in a blanket motion. It literally says “spot” on the can. I think he was also trying to kill my mom’s flowers). I asked him if he sprayed it by the AC unit and he said no. Not the first time he lied to my face about something so I decided to check. To no one’s surprise, he did in fact spray it by the AC unit. Not only could I smell it to the point my nose and throat burned, the weeds and grass there was already browning and looked a little wet.

I quickly fetched the garden hose to dilute it. My mom came out with this bathtub-cleaner soap with bleach in it to use to wash the herbicide away. I tell her it’s not going to work, we need something more soapy that can remove the herbicide like dishwashing soap or laundry detergent. She argued with me trying to tell me that this tub soap is soapy enough and that it has bleach in it so the bleach smell will remove the herbicide smell. I told her that’s not how this works. She refused to listen to me, refused to believe me, which stressed me out even more. Not to mention that the tub soap stayed clumpy and never got soapy no matter how much water I spray over it (unlike with the dishwashing soap). Then she yelled at me saying I’m diluting the soap too much. We go back inside and the herbicide smell is still strong (of course, because we couldn’t open the freaking windows. The smell did also start to get worse) and she blamed it on me diluting the soap too much. She gets upset because she thinks now she has to put more soap, but this time she actually gets laundry detergent. I go outside because I get nauseous to the point I start gagging and feel like throwing up. My mom wasn’t as affected because she had less exposure to it. I come back inside after an hour. Guess what…the laundry detergent freaking worked. She says so herself as well, but not a single apology for how she treated me nor a “you were right.”

She also wanted me to help her pack away my books from the living room bookshelf. I didn’t understand why she wanted to do this first and I reminded her that my room is messy, I should work on that first. Plus, we need only to get the house presentable enough to post pictures for the market listing by July. The books on the bookshelf can literally serve as a prop in the meantime while I get my room packed.

Then today she needed me to help her get her computer working and then help her clear her computer desk so she can put it outside for bulk trash pickup. After she finally lets me start my room. She wants me to get my dresser cleared out (I have an big old tv on top of it, xbox360, dvd/vhs player, and a bunch of collectibles, electronics, and disks all around it) so it can go in the bulk as well. Then she gets upset 1 hour later that I did t make significant progress. Of course I wouldn’t; I had to clear out a bunch of trash and other stuff out of the way off the floor just so I can get to my dresser. She comes in to help and is pissed the whole time. She realized this wasn’t getting done tonight which ruined her plan. I couldn’t help but say I told you so but even that turned into an argument where she yells at me. We both have to get up really early in the morning and it was already 10pm. She finally called it quits and said it’ll have to go out next week. She just can’t admit she was wrong. It also sounded like she was trying to say I did it on purpose but I kept saying that I warned her that it was going to take a while. She was like “we don’t have a while” and I said “exactly, which is why you should have let me start in my room when I told you.”

I’m tired of not being believed.

It has been stress upon stress, especially with work stress in the mix, and my mom has gotten lowkey abusive. I feel weird calling it abuse but I’m 30 now, I think I can recognize it after going through verbal and physical abuse my whole childhood (and only now I’m able to remember my childhood. My brother literally told me he’s surprised I didn’t grow up to become a serial killer). It’s like she still sees me as a child, or like she’s afraid of losing control over me. She never accepts my “no” on most things she wants me to do, and keeps pushing me to do things I don’t want to do because of her delusion that those things would help me. When I’m sick, with a throat too sore to speak, she takes advantage of that to talk at me and lecture without me being able to talk back and defend myself verbally. I brought it up one day and she acted like it was a joke but I was being serious and I’m starting to think she doesn’t take me seriously. She’s doesn’t take any of my boundaries seriously apparently. And now it makes sense as to why I keep letting people step all over me. I grew up with parents who always crossed my boundaries.

i've been contemplating getting out of the apple ecosystem but might not be able to during residency. people with samsung switched to iphone cause everyone at hospital had apple.

i've looked into the following phones : Samsung a57, iphone 15 or 16, Google pixle 9 (something), Nothing phone, not sure if chinese brand i can get in the states.

It was Bondarev I think, lmaooo (but as a real person). It was brief, or at least my recollection of it is. We were just hanging out somewhere. Just chilling casually and I had gotten this weird vodka shot that came in this small paper carton like those milk cartons. I opened it and we just shared it in complete silence. Just enjoying each other’s company apparently.

I should be getting my MPJE result sometime this week and at this point I feel anxious about it but also a little fed up with residency.

While I do like residency in the sense that I feel like I'm becoming more confident as a new pharmacist as I keep gaining more experience and knowledge. And I love working with the pharmacists and other healthcare staff at this hospital. However, it's starting to feel like the rules that apply to me don't apply to my co-resident.

I don't know if it's just that he doesn't care about the work as much as I do and they realize it... like it's quietly being counted against him, and they're being harder on me because they want me there. Although, my RPD has stated she wants to keep me, but sometimes I think it's just wishful thinking on my part. She may want to keep me, but does the rest of the pharmacy staff feel that way?

We have quite a bit of responsibilities besides our rotations. Maybe not as many as other residency programs, but perhaps more time consuming. Most of the time, I feel like there are not enough hours in the day to complete these tasks. I've had at least one preceptor so far who has given me at least one day away from rotation to catch up on responsibilities that I've fallen behind on (because during September, the responsibilities that my co-resident and I share, all fell to me and even during October, I still did more of it, and only this weekend is he finally helping).

During my current rotation, I had a couple of tasks to complete by the end of October. I asked my current preceptor if I can go a little early to get a jump on it (It was literally only 1.5 hours left for my shift. That's all I was asking for). He told me no and followed with a passive aggressive statement "I got that done outside of rotation (when he was a resident)" and then said "rotation always come first. Everything else is done outside of rotation." Which is what I've been doing this whole ass time since June.

But because I've had to also study to retake the MPJE, I fell behind on a couple responsibilities, including my research. I guess he forgot that part. I still have yet to finish filling out my IRB forms for my research, of which our research mentor told me to prioritize. That has been impossible with the deadlines on the other things.

Funny enough, I caught my co-resident working on things during this rotation when he had it last month. I guess the "rotation comes first" rule doesn't apply to him. He used all of September to get ahead on his research project, while I fell behind on mine, because someone had to pick up his slack on our monthly duties. And we also have the shared duty of taking notes during daily huddle meetings. He missed a couple days during his week and so I had to cover those days on top of my week. His excuse was that he was working on a couple of patients, which I know is bs because huddle takes priority and there is always time to work around it.

At the end of September, when we attended a monthly meeting to revise one our monthly project, I was the one who made the changes that were suggested. At like 9pm (2100) he still didn't add anything they told us to add yet, and the presentation was literally the next morning. So instead of working on other things I could have worked on, I added them in myself. Then on top of that, I was the one who had to complete the quarterly report our RPD was asking for, because it was two days before the deadline and my co-resident didn't even start it yet.

It's bad enough that the two people we have to meet with monthly for this project was hard on me just because of my co-resident's laid-back don't-care attitude about this project. I'm paying for his fuck-ups apparently. Could also be why my current rotation preceptor is being hard on me because at the beginning he mentioned a couple things my co-resident did wrong that I shouldn't do.

Not to mention another shared responsibility that he said he would do, that I ended up having to do myself... however, he said he would finish the rest of it and send it to the person we have to send it to. The following week, that person sent us both an email asking for it and it seems he never sent her the thing. So I don't even know if I should send it to her myself. I'm trying so hard to catch up, and spending more unnecessary time on this thing would push me further behind.

All of this on top of being a co-preceptor for the students. I was directly tasked with precepting my RPD's student (assign projects, assignments, review and schedule their project presentations, advise them, etc.), and I was also helping the other three students. Being a co-preceptor for the previous students also mostly fell to me (We have new students every 6 weeks).

I'm tired and burnt out especially after doing all of that in September to the first half of October, and then trying to crack down on my studying just so that I can be licensed by the deadline. By the way, my co-resident has already been licensed because he had a whole rotation to study for the same exam early on. When it was my turn to take that same rotation, my first exam attempt was already scheduled for the the beginning of the rotation. So I didn't get the same opportunity he did for studying.

I wanted to push that exam date out one more week, but against my instincts, I went ahead and took it considering everyone's advice not to push it out too far. No surprise I failed it. I should have listened to my gut feeling, otherwise I wouldn't be in this predicament now. My studying for the retake has been so scattered and inconsistent due to my responsibilities, that I really don't know how much I have retained. I perform best on exams when I study for consecutive days. Two weeks of consistent study time on consecutive days would have been enough for me to pass it. My co-resident on the other hand, had the 4 weeks when he was on that rotation before me.

The fucking audacity of my co-resident to ask me to spend money for an event that he planned without my knowledge.

Next week is pharmacy week. I was told that one of the techs was planning everything. Found out on Friday that my co-resident was tasked with planning the activities/games and making the flyer to advertise those activities. I’m surprised no one told me anything.

Right after the announcement was made, I asked him if there’s anything I can help with. He told me no and that “next week” he’ll let me know and send me the flyer.

It’s Saturday. I’m thinking I’ll have the whole weekend to study and relax after a stressful week of working and trying to contact the Board of Pharmacy who apparently does not want to allow me to take the MPJE licensing exam.

Keep in mind that my co-resident does not reply to texts over the weekend. He finished the exams already and is licensed, so he doesn’t have to worry about studying. A week ago when I texted him on Friday literally 10 minutes after our shift ended, he replied the following Monday. He uses his time off to relax and hardly ever takes the hospital laptop home with him to do any work. Me on the other hand has to, and he knows this.

Fast forward to today, a Saturday, my co-resident texted me asking if I have board games for Wednesday’s event and finally sent me the flyer he made. I told him I don’t, but there may be some at [affordable specific store that has multiple locations].

He replied and wants me to go buy a couple board games tomorrow. I’m supposed to use my time to run this errand for him, and spend my money for an activity he planned? It’s not expensive but I’m in a lot of debt already especially after spending the money to apply for the licensing exams, the exams themselves and the study programs to study for said exams.

Not to mention I have to retake one of those exams so more credit card debt for me. And I’m not even sure I’ll be able to stay in this residency program because the licensure deadline is approaching, and the BOP has delayed my eligibility to retake the MPJE by 2 weeks so far.

Nah he got me mixed up. Should have said something when I asked about it yesterday at work so that I could make time this weekend for it. It’s gonna have to be a Monday problem I already have plans.